How mastering small talk can lead to happiness

What is the secret to a happy and fulfilling life? Studies show the key is maximizing the number of relationships we have with other people. And how do you do that? It’s simple: You make friends with as many people as possible.

But “simple” isn’t the same as “easy,” especially if you’re shy or introverted. When you go to parties or other events, you might feel lost or even invisible. It’s not just awkward but also intimidating, especially if you notice that everyone else seems to be having a good time.

I speak from experience. As a young man, I was introverted. If you know me nowadays, that may be hard to believe, but I remember that gut-wrenching awkwardness at school dances when it seemed like everyone else knew exactly what to do and what to say.

As I got older, an early job as a bartender helped me break out of my shell. In that role, your ability to start and hold a conversation is just as important as knowing how to mix drinks. This experience taught me the value of small talk.

Breaking the ice

It may be called “small” talk, but it has a big impact on relationships. Those light introductory chats serve as the initial bridge that connects people and paves the way for deeper conversations. Whether it’s the start of a new friendship, a budding romance, or a professional connection, small talk is the social lubricant. It helps people get to know each other on a surface level, establishing common ground, and building rapport.

I’ve found the easiest way to get started is to simply introduce yourself and ask a question: "Where are you from?" or "How did you end up at this event?" or "Have you watched anything interesting on TV lately?" The aim is to get the other person talking and ease any initial tension. They may not be chatting with anyone for the same reason you aren’t.

Prepare yourself with potential follow-up questions based on the conversation's direction. For instance, if you start with a question related to location, you could inquire about their experiences living there or their travel history.

Most importantly, don't let the fear of rejection hold you back. Taking the initiative to say hello often leads to positive interactions and a sense of inclusion in social gatherings.

The art of small talk

As the founder and CEO of a nationwide company, I meet new people from all walks of life regularly and after 48 years in this position, I like to think I’m finally close to overcoming my shyness. I’ve come to understand that every relationship is a potential asset, and every conversation is an investment.

I also enjoy sharing what I’ve learned with other people. It’s one of the reasons I started Celebrations Chatter , a podcast that celebrated its 100th episode this past week. As regular listeners know, small talk is always a part of the conversation – and sometimes the main topic.

For instance, I spoke with New York Times columnist David Brooks. His recent book, How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply?Seen, offers insights into how different people express themselves and the impact of that communication on relationships.

He’s identified two types of people. “Diminishers” are those who are not curious about you. They don’t ask questions and make you feel small and unseen. “Illuminators,” on the other hand, ask questions, understand your point of view, and make you feel respected.

If you’ve mastered the art of small talk, then you’ve become an illuminator. You’re asking questions and showing empathy for the other person. You’ve set the stage for a deeper relationship. I’ll never forget David’s description:

“Most of the book is about how great it feels when somebody sees you. I have spent four years asking people to tell me about a time when they felt seen and understood. And people’s eyes started to glow when they began to tell me about episodes in their lives when somebody took the time to really get to know them.”

Playing the host

I admit that I still feel shy at times, especially at large gatherings. I’ve found it helpful to give myself a job at such events: Even when I’m a guest, I play the role of host, ensuring that everyone feels welcome.

At a recent Worth Media climate conference, for instance, we had 250 people at a speakers event. I took it upon myself to find people who weren’t talking to other people, spark up a conversation, and connect them with other people in the room.

I’ve come to love playing the role of host even if it makes me look like a whirling dervish. My wife, Marylou, jokes that as soon as I enter a room, I make a B-line to?someone standing alone, or against the wall.

I’ve counseled my children and teams to do the same. I remind them that when you're at an event and busy trying to make sure everyone else has a good time, you’ll forget about being shy.

All the best

Jim