How To Master The Fear Of Rejection (2/2)

The training was over. As with all my workshops and trainings, I asked the participants what they had taken away with them and wanted to try out in their everyday lives.

The first 12 of the 14 participants gave me very positive feedback. Then it was the turn of the department head. He starts by saying "The training was ok, but not what I expected...." and then there was a long list of what he would have liked instead.

The tone: not exactly aggressive but quite demanding. I felt like I was in a cold shower, but had the presence of mind to take some notes.

Probably encouraged by the reaction of her supervisor, the last of the participants then heaped her impressions on my ears, this time sounding a bit harsher and also a bit more arrogant. She didn’t like the training at all.

Picking up a slap in the face after training

To preserve my dignity, I remembered how to behave professionally in such a situation, did not defend myself and thanked her for this "open feedback" (I’d rather felt like shouting back).

Of course, in the first moment this criticism felt like a slap in the face, expressed in front of a group, embarrassment also came into play and of course I felt strongly offended in my trainer honor in the first moment.

I had prepared very intensively and carefully for this training, and was now conducting it for the second time. 30 more trainings with the same content were still in the queue. The very first time, the feedback had been extremely positive, and now this fiasco.

What now?

First of all, I was in a state of emotional chaos. From "arrogant idiots" to "crap, I've been humiliated", all kinds of thoughts raced through my head. It was the first time in years that something like this had happened to me, and spoiled for success, this criticism admittedly hit me like a hammer.

The frustration lasted for a few hours, too. More precisely, I allowed myself to sleep on it for a night first.?

Could the critics possibly be right?

The next day, I looked at the notes I had jotted down.

Point 1: much too general

Point 2: we have known this for years

Point 3: more practical examples

Point 4: more reflections in the teams

Point 5: more concrete feedback from the trainer (that means from me!!!)

...

Even though it wasn't easy at first, I had to deal with the question: "Aren't the critics possibly right? Wasn't there something to this that I never took into account in the run-up to the training planning, whereupon my concept actually came across as too banal?

A new feeling suddenly arose in me: OK, then they are right and I will come up with something new. And the new thing will make every complainer run out of breath to complain about anything. I'll show them what I'm still capable of!

Standing ovations with the new concept

No sooner said than done. Within two days I had changed the entire training and optimized it from a "basic level" to a "high professional level". Another three days later, I tested the new training with the next group and received “standing ovations” as feedback. This incredibly encouraging feedback then came in fact standard at the end of the remaining 29 trainings.

Bottom line: even though it's sometimes very uncomfortable (very uncomfortable), negative feedback helps immensely when you want to improve. In fact, if I hadn't received criticism (or put it aside as unimportant), my first training draft would have remained what the two colleagues had signaled to me: a basic banality.

The effective approach: find advantages

When you've experienced rejection, hitting and yelling (see blog) won't help, as it won't resolve the feelings of frustration and stress. In fact, there are better solutions that often take only minutes.

One of them has also been proven to help people who had lost their belongings in a fire, had to cope with a bereavement, or had suffered a heart attack. It's called "Finding Benefits."

You may think that finding benefits seems like wishful thinking at this point. However, there are studies that show this methodology works. SO, research shows that certain positive traits such as gratitude, hopefulness, kindness, leadership and the ability to work in teams increased among Americans after the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001.

In an experiment at the University of Miami, 300 undergraduates were asked to visualize an event in which someone hurt, rejected, betrayed, abandoned or insulted them.?

A psychological experiment proves the effect

One-third of the participants were then asked to describe the event in detail and then focus on their anger about it and the negative impact it had on their lives. A second group was asked to do the same, but to focus on the benefits and the resulting experiences (for example, increase in inner strength or wisdom about life). A third group was to simply make a plan for the coming day.

Then, each of the participants was to complete a questionnaire designed to measure their thoughts and inner attitudes toward the person who was responsible for the anger or hurt.

The results showed that just a few minutes of focused reflection on the benefits of the original hurtful experience best helped the participants deal with the negative feelings that had arisen from the situation. They felt more clearly reconciled, sought retribution less, and avoided it less.

The versatile possibilities of personal growth

If you have ever experienced something that has annoyed you, for example a customer has dropped out or you have tried unsuccessfully for the umpteenth time to reach an important client over the phone, then try the following exercise:

Think for a few minutes about the positive aspects of the experience that hurt you (there are always two sides to the coin).

Maybe it helped you to

• become stronger, or recognize strengths you didn't know you had before?
• value certain things about your life so far more than you have?
• become smarter?
• strengthen a relationship?
• end a negative relationship?
• develop more resilience?
• develop better communication?
• recognize opportunities you were not aware of?

Spend a few minutes writing down the benefits you gained from this experience and how it benefited you. Do some soul-searching, be as honest as you can, and stay open about it.

New opportunity for leaders and teams in times of crisis

If you are a leader and manage a team, make it a routine to address anger and stress every now and then. Then focus together on the lessons learned and their positive impact. As already described in Blog 2, a weekly team meeting could be used for this purpose, for example.

Especially in crisis situations, you will create an open communication culture with this approach and thus establish a teambuilding measure that has a much stronger effect than typical teambuildings (together in the high ropes course or similar) can create.

The more regularly you deal with your feelings about rejection, the stronger you will become over time, and this in turn will lead to less and less fear of possible rejection in the future. You are aware that rejection happens, but you have gradually continued to build and consolidate the inner strength that you know, "In principle, I am invulnerable."

I wish you much success in your new self-awareness!

I am very curious to hear what your experience is like as you approach this format. I welcome feedback here and if you have any further questions about it, feel free to contact me.