How to Master The Art of Asking Questions

The art of asking questions is a crucial mastery of every effective communicator. Simply, to communicate better and to ensure understanding no matter whether you are speaking or listening you have to master asking questions. This means that you have to know when and how to ask the right questions. For example, by asking the right questions while you are speaking you can see if the others are listening and if they understand what you are saying. By asking while you are listening you will ensure that you understood well and you will show the speaker that you pay attention to what they are saying. Without further explaining and putting it simply, the questions are an integral part of any conversation and must not be neglected. Omission of questions, not asking the right way or not asking the right questions can lead to misunderstanding and misinterpretation.

Now let’s be honest. How many times have we really given it a thought? How many times have we thought of the importance of questions and how many times have we tried to learn and practice asking questions? I will be honest. Not many times before I really started researching and studying communication. It is something that most of us don’t really think about. And the usual opinion is “of course I know how to ask questions” and “what’s there to know about it”.

However, there is a lot to know about it…

Open-ended Questions vs. Closed Question

There are two types of questions: closed (convergent) and open-ended (divergent) questions. Closed questions require short and simple answers, such as “yes” or “no” answers. On the other side open-ended questions require broad answers. Here are some examples:

Closed Questions

Q: “Did you attend the yesterday meeting?” A: “Yes, I did”

Q: “Who should be in our negotiation team?” A: “John”

Open-ended Questions

Q: “What did you do at the yesterday meeting?”

Q: “Which skills does John have that will help us in the negotiation process?”

Effective conversation will have both types with well balanced and carefully selected usage. Which kind of questions you should ask depends on the type of answer you need. If you seek clarification or better understanding you should ask open-ended questions. If you need an information or confirmation you should ask a closed question. What I would suggest is to ask more open-ended questions and to follow the answer to a closed question with an open-ended question, e.g. Q: “Who should be in our negotiation team?” A: “John” Q: “Which skills does John have that will help us in the negotiation process?” That will ensure better understanding and will help you see the reasoning behind the short answer. Also, open-ended questions are very useful for opening the conversation.

Don’t Interrupt

Interrupting is rude and shows lack of respect and patience to hear out the speaker. It says “I do not have the time to listen to you just tell me what I want to know” or “I know what needs to be done, just give me the information I need”. So no matter how bad you want to ask a question let the speaker finish what he is saying.

By letting them finish you also create a more patient and relaxed conversation where the speaker feels comfortable enough to express feelings and emotions.

Don’t Ask Just for the Purpose of Asking

Asking questions shows that you are involved. But don’t ask questions just to show that you are listening. The questions you ask should be for more information, better understanding and clarification. No one wants to be disrupted by useless and stupid questions.

Use the Silence

Also don’t ask questions just to break the silence. Learn to be comfortable with the periods of silence. Although it might feel uncomfortable silent periods can be very powerful at letting the speaker reflect at what he is saying. Sometimes after a period of silence, the speaker can completely change his opinion on certain aspects.

Ask With Confidence

Don’t sound as if you are scared to ask or as if you already regret that you are asking. Ask any question with confidence so that you receive a respectful answer with the information that you need. Hesitating and whispering such as “Amm... Peter… will it be too much trouble to explain… ” might result in receiving disrespectful answers, answers not connected to the question or not receiving an answer at all.

Asking with confidence also shows that you were actively listening and that you are involved in the conversation. Also it shows that you a well grounded on the subject and that you understand the subject.

Use Correct Grammar and Wording

This is important both for speaking and asking questions. Use correct grammar without using unnecessary and uncommon jargon and slang. Also be polite, show respect and pay attention to the wording you are using. Don’t use “big” words and words that they don’t understand. Creating a picture how clever, smart and educated you are can make it difficult for them to speak to you.

Explain Why You Are Asking and Make Sure You Are Asking the Right Person

In some situations it is useful to explain why you are asking a certain question before you ask it. This will create better understanding so that the speaker can give you a proper answer. Furthermore it can prevent from falling into difficult situations and misunderstandings.

Also make sure that you are asking the right person. Sometimes it might not be clear who the right person is, but you have to make sure that you receive the answer from the right person, i.e. the one responsible for the task, project, information, decision making etc.

Ask Politely and Don’t Put Them in Uncomfortable Position

Don’t be aggressive and don’t ask questions that will make them uncomfortable. You are not a police investigator and your job is not to pile up pressure on them. If you want correct, well thought of answers make sure that you make them feel comfortable and relaxed when talking to you.

Ask for the Reasoning behind the Answer

For example if the answer to the question “Who should be in or negotiation team” is simply “John” without any further explanation, you should ask for the explanation. There are two ways to do it. The wrong way would be to ask why: “Why do you think that John should be part of our negotiation team?” If you ask why they will tell you all the reasons they can think of to justify their answer. The right way would be to ask: “Which skills does John have that will help us in the negotiation process?” or “How do you think he can help us in the process?” followed by “Do you think that there are some weak points that might endanger the process?” By asking these kind of questions you will make the other person logically go through the reasons behind the decision. They will not feel being under attack and will carefully justify their decision. Another positive side of these kinds of questions is that the speaker gets to double check the reasoning by himself and sees if that makes sense.

Ask for Clarification – Fact or Opinion?

It is important to make sure that you make difference between facts and opinions and speculations. Differentiating facts from speculations will help you make correct decisions and find the right solutions. Also it will help you correctly understand the situation. Ask questions such as “Did the Finance Department confirm that information?”, “Did John make sure that the leader of the project team is ok with that?” or “Is that the final document or a draft version?”

Ask Neutral Questions and Don’t Impose Answers

Instead of asking “Don’t you think that will be hard for John to achieve it?” you can ask “How easy or hard do you think it will be for John to achieve it?” or “How do you think John will manage it?”

By asking neutral questions you are releasing them of the pressure that you might expect them to answer in one way or another.

By imposing answers you will only hear what you want to hear while the truth or the real situation might be much different. So instead of leading them such as “Don’t you think that it would be good to accept the offer?” ask “Will it be better to accept or turn down the offer?”

Ask Specific and Simple Questions

If you want to receive a specific answer ask a specific question. These are questions such as “Which skills does John have that will help us in the negotiation process?”, “Did the Finance Department confirm that information?”, “What’s the amount of our annual budget?”etc.

Asking answers that will give you specific answers is very important especially when talking to people that tend to give general answers and that speak more about opinions than about facts.

Keep the question simple and explain only what you need so that they can understand your question correctly. Don’t burden the question with further explanations, justifications or examples.

Body Language and Questions about the Meaning, Feelings and Emotions

It is good to know all the facts and have all the needed information but in order to bring the right decisions you need to know what certain things mean to the speaker and how they feel about it. These are questions such as “What does it mean to you that you will have John on your team?”, “How do you feel about it?”

Also, there are situations where the body language is sending different messages then the words. Make sure you ask questions to understand the real situation.

Ask for Action, Suggestions and Opinions

In order not to have an information only conversation you need to drive it in a way that you come to certain conclusions, suggestions and plans for action. Asking questions such as “What do you suggest that we do?” or “What do you plan to do next?” after you have heard the necessary information can lead to bringing decisions and planning action steps that will operationalise the conversation.

Repeat, Reflect and Summarize

Instead of just asking for further information or clarification you can repeat what the other person said and see if you have understood well “If I understood well you are saying that…?”

You can also reflect on what is being said by addressing the feelings that you have sensed “If I understood well you feel that …”

At the end or after a longer part of the conversation you can summarize and ask if you have understood well.

If you have understood and repeated well you will get a simple and short answers to all three questions, but you will also get further explanation and clarification on the parts that the speaker thinks you need more understanding.

Be Prepared for Negative Answers and Reactions

Certain questions can provoke negative reactions and people can get defensive. Still sometimes you have to ask them. A suggestion would be to be careful how you ask the question and carefully select the proper words.

Feel free to share, comment, agree or disagree!

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