How Mark Zuck, Mike Tyson, and Mozart Destroyed "Being Young"

It's my birthday in a bit!

"Happy birthday, Oliver!" 

Why thank you, random Internet stranger! How nice of you. Appreciate that.

Because of how kind you are to me, you want to win a million dollars? ...Kinda like the game show “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?”..?

You do? Neat! You know the drill: question, possible answers, pick the right one, bish bash bosh!, money.

QUESTION: How is Oliver - and presumably many other young people are - feeling (every year) on his birthday?

1. Super-duper happy -- getting old is awesome!
2. Anxious, borderline depressed -- why does it feel like I have a dumpling in my throat?
3. Arbitrary nonsensical option #3. 

*Your answer has been locked in.*

So? Are you nervous? Palms are sweaty? Knees weak? Arms are heavy?

(PS: Shoutout to all my Eminem stans in the building.)

If you are (nervous, I mean), then you are feeling just like me. ‘cause yes, B is the right answer!

Okay. You caught me out: “depressed” is defo a bit far-fetched, for that would undermine ACTUAL depression and other mental disorders, and that dumpling in my throat is just a piece of my mom’s delish cheesecake. (Yo, this cake slaps, mom! Seriously.)

But at the same time, I feel like I should be feeling much more jolly than I actually do. And all it took for me to feel this way was a quick look at what other people around my age have accomplished.

At 21, Kylie made her net worth cross the billion mark.

Blaise Pascal was 19 and invented the friggin’ calculator.

Mark Zuckerberg? Millionaire by 22 and billionaire a year later.

Mike Tyson was a world heavyweight champ at 20 after smacking the head off of Trevor Berbick.

Mr. Beast is 22 or 23, running a 100-man operation, churning out viral hits weekly with a massive fanbase of nearly 60 mil’.

Not feeling like a disappointment just yet? Well, Alexander the Great Conquered literal countries at 18 (whilst also being pretty good at untying knots).

Let’s also not forget that kid on Instagram -- that 17 year old with a Lamborghini who dropped out of high school after making $100k a month off selling gizmos over the internet.

Oh, and don't even get me started on that cheeky bugger Mozart who wrote his lil’ symphony by age 8.

How inspiring! All these young people doing incredible things, making impact in the world (and also - let’s be real - making bank in the process...).

And me… Well... I’m sitting here. In my room. In my boxers. Ranting on LinkedIn. Eating cheesecake. (Seriously?! Mom?! I know you can cook amazingly, but no way: you bought this from a pastry chef, right?!)

Now, I’ll say something that will make me appear as very VERY seemingly arrogant, obnoxious and conceited arse; something I’ll feel very VERY sh*tty about saying.

But - comparatively - I’m really not doing bad in life myself.

Eww, that gave me goosebumps because of how bad it felt.

Not only that I was so incredibly lucky to be born into a region and social circumstances where I don’t wake up every morning cold to the bone and afraid of non-survival due to violence or lack of nutrients. (BTW: It’s crazy our little social bubble doesn’t allow us to realize we still live in a world when this isn’t the case for nearly 700 million people, but that’s a whole another blog post.) But even when comparing just on a local scale, I have the incredible privilege of getting educated at a world-class institution, and - what’s more - I myself have also been in that position of that ‘poster boy for ambition and achievement’ who... became one of the youngest researchers at CAS and CERN before turning 18... launched 2 non-profits... won international awards… media coverage... yada yada yada.

Okay, this produced an even worse reaction, sheesh. If the last one was *just* goosebumps, this one literally caused a gag reflex. I’m so sorry you had to read that list. I’ve never been the one to enjoy “flexing”.

Basically, the purpose of my weird egotistical detour was just to show that it’s not like I’ve been “Fortniting” or “Netflixing” away for the past 20 years, letting opportunities pass by. (Frankly, that would maybe warrant a bit of regret and some “Damn, should have been more active.” feelings.)

But even despite this and the fact that I, myself, might be even the source of another peer's anxiety - surrounded by Forbes lists of the top 0.01% of lucky high-achievers and social media filled with people’s (often fake) “young, successful, happy, rich” identities - I simply feel like I ‘should’ have achieved more by now.

I’m not sure what that more is, but… it’s simply more...

Is it rational? Are young people getting more talented? Has “what it means to be young” changed due to an incredible influx of new, 21st century opportunities?

I don’t think so. If my history books haven’t been lying to me, nor Pascal, nor Mozart, nor Alex the Great are from the 21st century.

Talented youngsters always existed, but obviously, in today’s attention-as-a-currency world the media (be it “traditional” or social media) loves a good “hotshot story” because THAT’S. WHAT. ATTRACTS. EYEBALLS.

You seldom hear about what “the average” X-teen or twenty-Y year old is doing and has achieved. And the fact that these narratives of success can be artificially fabricated through a smartly crafted online personal brand makes it incredibly hard to discern what the hell can be rationally expected from a young person nowadays.

Summa summarum: the expectations for “being young in the 21st century” have been raised crazy high.

Not by the incredible achievements of the aforementioned and many others like them. (Kudos to all! They deserve all the success and recognition! Please, talented young people, let’s not stop and keep doing amazing stuff!) But rather by media shaping our perceptions of reality through careful selection of stories/narratives (most of which are facades anyways).

“Okay, dude, I get you -- but for the love of God, enough of the rant! We want to hear solutions, not you just crying over LinkedIn. What are the answers?”

You may call me Sway, cause I ain’t got the answers.

Can we take our pitchforks and torches and march to the Forbes HQ to demand they start covering all the aspects and realities of the human condition?

While we’re at it, should we then also take on a side-quest to disconnect the Instagram servers to stop the clout-chasers from filling our feeds with envy- and guilt-inducing photos?

Oh, you're saying we technically could try to do that? Cool. But maybe let’s not, K?

I don’t want to go all “Master Oogway from Kung Fu Panda” on y’all (or Yoda, if you’re more of a Star Wars girl/guy), but realistically, this will be an internal, hard-fought battle each one of us will have to face and thoroughly attempt to conquer.

Will it be a quick and simple “Cool. I’ve stopped comparing myself to people.” process?

Uhh.. no. (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻

But then again: who said life was easy?

Okay... Maybe trust fund babies, but other than that, no one, hopefully.

Maybe just a quick tip/recommendation for one fairly easy thing that you can do: sit down in your boxers (If you wear pants, it won’t work!), take a slice of cake with you (Again, only the one my mom makes, it won’t work otherwise! #LeadGen), and write one long-ass blog post about how you feel.

It’s really therapeutic. 10/10 can attest.