How many people live rent free in your head?

There is one observation that always makes me wonder why. Whenever I see a group of people in and around offices (meeting room, elevator, water cooler, lunch room, smoke break, drink in the evening etc), they are talking about people. Other people. Bosses. Colleagues. Other department personnel. Business partners. And the conversation invariably seems to be about the problems they are having with another person. For the purpose of this article, it is not important what the problems maybe. It is just that it is always a problem. And, there are always those providing free advice, which always seems to be to 'go aggressive'.

Imagine the consequences. If every office employee has a problem with some other office employee/ business partner and the solution is to 'go aggressive' won't we have a giant human relations problem on our hands? In fact, we already have one. I am sure every corporate manager would agree with me.

So why does this happen? It is because we let other people start living in our heads. We spend more time thinking about these people, good or bad, and start scheming ways of getting even with them. This takes precious mind space away from things that should truly matter. Work (I am focussing this piece entirely on professional environments as personal relations maybe far more complex). Deep seated insecurities, developed because of a dog eat dog education and work system, makes most educated people in India fall prey to this malaise.

And it seems to be a serious Indian 'worker' problem. I have dealt with people from multiple nationalities. No one else was as interested in talking about other people as Indians. Indians working in companies around the world don't seem to be afflicted with this malaise.

So what is the solution? I am not a motivation guru or a behavioural expert. Therefore cannot claim to have a magical solution. But I believe if we just follow some of the advice below, we could free up a lot of space in our heads for the good things in life.

First, become aware of who are the people living in your head.

Next, figure out if they really need to be there.

Ask, why do they need to be there?

Identify all the squatters.

And forcefully evict them.

This is easier said than done. It is hard at times to ignore another person if they have been very unkind. Most often though, people have not been as unkind as we believe them to be. Even if someone has been very unkind, there are always options. Options may be tough. But unless you take the necessary steps, you will loose your mind to that person.

Let us take an example. A problem a lot of people seem to have is a mean boss. Enough has been written about how people leave a boss not a job... Now, is that boss really mean or only because they have different work standards or ethics from yours. They may just be a different personality. Or worse. They could have a meaner boss living in their head. Stop to think. If you just evicted the constant nagging thought of your boss from your head, wont it give peace of mind? With no scientific data to back me I willing to wager that it would solve the problem 7 out 10 times. And if not, change the boss. Go work in a different department, different company, different city. But before you do that, be sure, that the problem is really the boss and not your own generosity in letting others occupy your mind space free of charge. Else the next boss will immediately occupy the vacant spot.

At times, people have a really tough situation. It is not just a boss scenario. We all go through really trying circumstances from time to time. But as long as the problem is with other people, the choice is in your hands. It maybe a tough and unpleasant one, that may cause hardship in the short run. But you will be better off in the long run if you have peace of mind.

I am particularly reminded of an instance. I had joined a new company a few years ago. A few days into my job I felt the staff, specially senior staff a little aloof and reserved, as I went around learning the ropes of the company. In one particular interaction, one manager asked me, "so when will you be bringing in your people". He meant my loyalists. Then it dawned on me. These people were insecure that a new boss will bring in 'his people' and leave them out to dry. They were not only giving me free space in their heads but a number of my imaginary loyalists as well. Imagine the pressure they would undergo. My response to the gentleman was simple. "My people have been people I met at my work. I admired some for their work and others not. As I work with you people, you will also be my people. I do not need to bring in people from outside." As the word spread, I found people opening up. I slowly started vacating the spaces in their heads. And I feel proud to have many of them as 'my people' today.

To conclude. The human mind is the most expensive and exotic real estate in the world. We all have the same amount of space in it and we are all capable of amazing things. All we have to do is to be mindful of who we are letting live there. Go for the minimalist approach. Only allow people who really really matter to live in your head. Life would be a lot happier.