How Many Hours Does it Actually Take to Make a New Friend

Friendship expert Jeffrey Hall tells us it's a lot! I explore how we can balance the time needed to make new friends with our busy routines.

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Read time: 6 minutes

Today at a glance:

• Topic: How many hours does it take to make a friend
• My Experience: Investing time in my long distance relationship
• Tactic: Leveraging routines to form bonds
• Quote on earning connection
• Today's Finds: ??, ??, ??
• Commitments: ??

How Many Hours Does it Take to Make a Friend?

I'll be the first to preach quality over quantity when it relates to relationships.

However, when it comes to creating that relationship in the first place, quantity matters...quantity of time that is. Obviously, the higher quality that time, the quicker you deepen that connection. But seeing someone once or twice and having a really good conversation just doesn't cut it.

In fact, Jeffrey Hall Ph.D., an international expert on friendships, relationships, and social interaction breaks down how many hours it takes to cultivate friendships at the different levels of the friendship pyramid:

What he found was shocking (source):

• It takes 40-60 hours to move from a mere acquaintance to casual friendship (lowest on pyramid)
• It takes 80-100 hours to transition to being a friend (second lowest on pyramid)
• It takes ~200 hours to transition to becoming a close friend (second on pyramid) and even more to maintain them!

Although the amount of time becomes lower if you talk about things that matter to you, it's still so much time!

If it takes this long, how can we possibly create new connections that stick when balancing work, hobbies, sleep, and seeing Dune: Part Two as many times as possible before it leaves IMAX?

First, let's start with an extreme example.

Committing to Hours of Quality Time: Meeting My Fiancé

We met briefly in our senior year of college through one of my friends, texted here and there, then moved to different cities—Melissa to NYC and me to Charlotte, NC.

My job at the time was very demanding, and it was common for me to work 100+ hour weeks. It didn't feel like I had much time to do anything but work, play my one soccer game each Sunday, and sacrifice sleep for going out with friends on the weekends. Making time for relationships, new friends, or really fitting anything else into my schedule felt impossible.

So it wasn't a surprise Melissa and I didn't talk for about a year after we moved…until one of us texted the other out of the blue (I'll let you guess who texted who).

Texting quickly turned into phone calls, phone calls turned into FaceTimes, and next thing you know we planned a trip to see each other. At which point we made it an official relationship. We knew there would be at least 1 year of long distance, but amongst both of our very busy schedules, we created routines around spending quality time together on a consistent basis:

• We'd always call each other before going to bed
• On week nights, we ate dinner together over facetime
• Trips to spend weekends together were always booked no more than 4 weeks out

Because of how much she mattered to me, it felt like no added effort—even the days when I was leaving the office right around when she got up for work.

Creating a routine or some recurring way to spend time with people you enjoy is one of the only ways you can create a lasting bond. Sure, this is an extreme example but it applies to any new connection you have—professional, personal or other.

So let's discuss some more reasonable tactics.

Two Tactics to Create Connections That Stick

1. Create a routine with someone you enjoy

The extreme example of this was how Melissa and I made time for one another while juggling crazy schedules. But with most connections, it doesn’t have to be as frequent. It just has to be something you both are committing to at a regular cadence.

A great example is when I met Nick at a tech networking event. We hit it off in our brief conversation and made sure to schedule a follow up for coffee. That next coffee chat ended up turning into dinner because we had so much to talk about. After that, we decided to schedule a standing lunch date for every three weeks to catch up on life, interests, work, and anything we were excited about. Since we first met in October 2023, we've probably spent 40+ hours together and I now consider him a good friend.

Recommendation: When meeting someone new that you hit it off with, try to schedule then next time you see them. Whether it’s a phone call, coffee, or a casual event around a mutual interest, getting that next thing on the calendar becomes 10x more difficult even one day after meeting them. When you find something that works well for both of you, try to make it a recurring thing (like my lunches with Nick!).

2. Create routine around one of your interests

You may think you're already doing this, but let me explain what it is not. It's not being interested in soccer, improv, and tech and deciding that this week you'll play one pickup soccer game, two weeks from now you’ll try improv, and you’ll squeeze in a random tech networking event at the end of the month. This approach has no consistency…there is no routine.

Instead, pick fewer things that you can commit to consistently at a predictable frequency:

• Joining a soccer team or showing up to the same pick-up on Wednesdays at 7pm every week
• Committing to 5+ improv classes with the same group of people
• Picking one tech event host and going to all their events

This consistency helps you show up with the same people time and time again. This helps build up the hours of quality time needed to build relationships with others. It makes it even easier since you are both doing something you genuinely enjoy.

I took this approach back in 2020 when I had just moved back to NYC and was trying to meet new people that love soccer. My coworker (who I'd only met virtually) had invited me to help out his team in the city. I didn't mention I was living out on Long Island after breaking my NYC lease when COVID hit. Instead, I drove an hour to the 10pm game to play, had a blast, and committed to coming back each week. I've now been playing with this same group of guys who've become great friends for almost 4 years. (Shoutout to CLS and the godfather Jeff!)

Recommendations: Check out some of my recommendations for building a routine here. To review what we talked about above:

• Follow a deep interest (you’re more likely to stick with it and meet like minded people)
• Identify a host or organizer you resonate with and go to their recurring events. They tend to bring the same / similar set of people together at other events they host
• Make the time. It may feel inconvenient but sticking to the routine you choose can lead to meeting even one person who can drastically impact your life for the better.

Quote on Earning Connection

“A fit body, a calm mind, a house full of love. These things cannot be bought—they must be earned” - Naval Ravikant

You don’t earn a relationship by sending a follow or connection request. You earn it with hours of authenticity, mutuality, giving, and upkeep. Otherwise relationships quickly become highly conditional under some give and take framework.

Devin's Finds:

?? Compounding Relationships Make Life Easier (3 min read): A short convo between Naval Ravikant and Babak Nivi on why once you’ve been in a good relationship with somebody for a while—business or romantic—life gets easier because you know they have your back.

?? What makes a good Life? (~12 min watch): TEDx talk by the director of a 75-year-old study on happiness, Robert Waldinger, discussing important lessons learned. The biggest of which is that society pressures us to pursue success defined in wealth and fame, but a truly fulfilling life is built on the foundation of strong and supportive relationships.?

?? Research on how many hours it takes to make a friend (3 min read): Jeffrey Hall comments on his research to determine how many hours it takes for different friendship levels. (you can find the full research article here)

It doesn't take much to build relationships, here's what I'm committing to this week:

• ? Co-hosting Pitch on the Pitch: Soccer Networking for Tech, on Thursday at 7pm ET. Sign up on Luma or Conquer! (~2 hours)
• ?? Trying a dance class for the first time ever with two friends that recently got engaged (~2 hours)
• ? Grabbing coffee with a founder of a social gratitude app (~1 hour)
• ?? Celebrating a friends birthday at a brewery (~2 hours)

What are you committing to this week? Reply to this email!

Best of luck building,

Devin