How Many Friends?

How many friends have I really got?

That love me, that want me, that’ll take me as I am.

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Lyrics from the song ‘How Many Friends’

By the Who

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Friendships are fundamental to life satisfaction and living and leading with fewer regrets.

A top regret people identify in their lives is not concentrating on creating and furthering their relationships. Friendships represent the primary relationships outside of the family.

Yet, we are living through a loneliness pandemic. Data shows people are feeling record rates of isolation and alienation from one another, and there is no end to the downward trend in sight.

The traumas of the pandemic, societal disturbances, climate disasters, and technological changes have significantly disrupted our social relationships. However, the trend of heightened isolation and loneliness began before these developments.

At the same time, leaders at all levels tell me they feel overwhelmed.

These distressing developments are inextricably linked.?

Friendships represent an antidote to feeling overpowered. Affirming relationships provide the support needed to withstand the challenges of a tumultuous world. While vital, close family connections are not enough.

Do relationships at work matter? Is it the leaders’ responsibility to decrease loneliness and improve relationships at work? How can we learn to prioritize friendship in our personal lives?

Do Relationships at Work Matter?

Gallup’s Q-12 questionnaire, designed to measure the degree of employee engagement associates have with their company, includes the question, ‘Do I have a best friend at work?’ It is one of the strongest determinants of commitment to an organization and whether they will stay.?

The quality of our relationships impacts our physical and emotional health, productivity, creativity, and collaboration. The absence of high-quality relationships compromises our immune systems and lowers our life expectancy.

Is it the leaders’ responsibility to decrease loneliness and improve relationships at work?

Friendships, like feelings, may not seem to be appropriate points of consideration or focus for organizational leaders.?

However, both work and personal friendships are vital. As leaders, we dismiss their significance at our peril.

Christine Miles, founder and CEO of EQuipt and creator of ‘The Listening Path,’ identifies the question, ‘How did that make you feel?’ as the fastest way to understand another’s story, create rapport, and develop a connection.

The same question provokes the highest degree of resistance from her clients. ‘I cannot ask that question in a business setting.’ The crucial question is, why not?

Emotions are necessary for developing friendships or gaining another’s confidence. Positive relationships are based on trust, respect, and affinity.?

Leaders cannot generate friendships on behalf of their associates. However, they can take steps to eliminate obstacles to relationship development within their organizations and create conditions that foster the likelihood of friendships. Both are critical for high-performing teams and companies.?

What can leaders do?

1. Open themselves and speak more honestly about the range and depth of their human experience, making it safe for others to do the same.
2. ?Introduce mindfulness practices into the workplace that ground people in the present, increase awareness of themselves and others, relieve pressure, and expand possibilities.
3. Deliberately build in time for associates to interact with one another, absent an agenda or the imperative for efficiency. Doing so speeds up the completion of work over time.
4. ?Create spaces and environments that naturally encourage people to congregate and engage one another informally at regular intervals – a necessary element for relationship development.
5. ?Take the time and effort to align your colleagues around a common aspirational purpose, core values, and approach.

Supportive work relationships are critical. They are also inherently conditional and are, therefore, limited.

How can we learn to prioritize friendship in our personal lives?

Unfortunately, we often fail to prioritize friendships in our personal lives, too.

Close relationships that do not require us to change who we are or how we show up are central to satisfaction and well-being. Even so, they are not often points of focus - especially by men, who frequently concentrate on work and family relationships, placing excessive emphasis on themselves as providers.

The progression of connecting is uncertain, making us reluctant to initiate it when we already feel too vulnerable. Consequently, our social skills atrophy through lack of use, and we become out of practice, making us even less likely to initiate friendships.

So many things seem beyond our control that we seek relief in short-term fixes that allow us autonomy over timing, duration, and outcomes. Thus, we retreat to interacting with devices, accomplishing tasks, succumbing to addictions, or pursuing pleasure at all costs, furthering our sense of separateness.?

We must commit to showing up fully for ourselves and others, which entails employing the essential elements of friendship. By sharing vulnerably with others, risking discomfort and hurt, and giving up our attachment to expediency, we open ourselves to being known, accepted, and belonging.

We also need to seek out communities with which we can interact regularly, whether in-person or virtual, in peer-to-peer support groups, gatherings around shared interests, such as sports, yoga, and the arts, or through organizations committed to a particular purpose. We must do this over periods of time to allow friendships to emerge and strengthen.

I am grateful for the number and quality of my friendships. I consider myself rare and extraordinarily fortunate. I recognize that I would not have gotten there alone.

I mainly attribute the breadth and depth of my friendships to my decision to actively participate in secular men’s support groups for over twenty years. These groups have helped me develop my relationship-building skills. Being in relationships compels you to use them on an ongoing basis.

I cannot imagine my life without them. I joined them intending to improve myself and immerse myself in male energy rather than making friends. Regardless, I have gained some of my best friends through my participation.?

The key was committing myself to engage regularly over time. The more I participated, the more I realized how essential they were to my well-being.?

The resulting friendships have enriched my life and positively impacted my interactions with a wide range of people outside the groups. They help keep me on the path of living and leading with fewer regrets, which is what I want for everyone.

The quality of our relationships is vital to the health of ourselves, our families, workplaces, communities, and society.

Worthy Considerations:

1. What priority do you give your friendships? How does that influence where you focus your time, energy, and effort?
2. What are the breadth and depth of your friendships? Do you believe close relationships can be an antidote to overwhelm?
3. From what associations do you draw to develop and maintain your friendships?
4. How do you undermine or foster the development of friendships among your team members or within your organization?
5. What is the quality of relationships within your company? Is there a positive correlation between friendship and performance? How do they influence the degree of trust, collaboration, and innovation?

If you want to discuss ways to develop and grow your leadership to benefit yourself, your team, your family, or your organization, please reach out to me. I welcome the connection.

Robert Hackman, Principal, 4C Consulting and Coaching, helps people live and lead with fewer regrets. He grows and develops leaders through executive coaching consulting, facilitation, and training of individuals, teams, and organizations. He is committed to Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion. He facilitates trusting environments that promote uncommonly candid conversations. Rob is also passionate about the power of developing Legacy Mindsets and has conducted over 50 Legacy interviews with people to date.

A serious man with a dry sense of humor who loves absurdity can often be found hiking rocky elevations or making music playlists. His mixes, including Pandemic Playlists and Music About Men, among others, can be found on Spotify.

Bravely bring your curiosity to a conversation with Rob, schedule via voice or text @ 484.800.2203 or [email protected] .

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