How to manage your mental load

We have become much more aware of what the ‘mental load’ actually is, and how this invisible work can be totally exhausting.?

Especially for women, as women definitely take the lion’s share of the mental load – at home, they are the “knower of ALL the things”. This invisible housework can be mentally draining. And it can make you really resentful.?

It is a social conditioning issue that women take on the extra burden of remembering all the things, at home but also at work – which is also known as ‘office housework’.

Do you wake up with your mind racing about the house insurance renewal, what the kids need to take in for their school project and how you have run out of milk? Or it may be when you’re trying to fall asleep at night.?

If you do then it sounds like you carry the ‘mental load’ in your household.

It’s the burden of remembering, and usually also doing, all those tasks required to keep a household ticking over. Are you the one who plans, who notices, who anticipates, who researches, who worries? Are you constantly thinking of everything to ensure the smooth running of the household? Are you the “Knower of All the Things” in your house?

This is often invisible work because no one really sees it, but it is constant, consuming and exhausting. We do thousands of tiny tasks without anyone noticing at all.

Through years and years of social conditioning, women have been taught that their primary role in society is that of the caregiver, and that career and self are secondary. Conversely, men have been socially conditioned to view their role as one of provider and breadwinner. I do see this starting to change but very slowly, our conditioning runs deep.

This mental load, that so many women carry, goes beyond doing everything, it’s about remembering everything – what a burden! Often we don’t realise we are even carrying this mental load. We saw our mums doing it, we see other mums doing it and we feel a huge pressure towards perfectionism, feeling that we’ve failed if we don’t do it all. We are conditioned to help others, we don’t like to say no and can feel reluctant to delegate. We want the best for everyone and we want to look after them.

A key point at which I see an increase in the mental load is on returning to work following maternity leave. When a baby comes along and mum stays at home for sometimes up to a year the way you run the household is different from before. Then when you go back to work you still carry the load from when you were at home full-time, maybe reallocating tasks between you and your partner, but still somehow carrying that mental load. It seems that the majority of women also feel that it is their responsibility to stay on top of their children’s activities. We take on the CEO role of our family.

What I often see as a result of this mental load are worn out, angry and stressed mothers, who spend time berating themselves for not doing better! Women who are not achieving their full potential in their career because they feel overloaded by what they do at home.

Enough! Let’s stop this.

First step – recognise what’s going on in your life – ask yourself if you are carrying the mental load for your household.

I’ve created a quick mental load self-assessment to help you answer this question and, most importantly if you are carrying that burden for your household, ideas on what can you do about it.

Do get in touch if you would like to hear more about the work I do with female leaders.

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