How to manage your emotions in triggering situations

Hi there ????. Ready to lead? "Acts of Leadership" helps people, (irrespective of title or tenure), expand their leadership range one experiment at a time. Each issue shares a [pro/e]vocative definition of leadership, an idea and an experiment.

Self-management

I deeply appreciate when a new subscriber joins the Acts Of Leadership community. Even more so when they share a current leadership challenge.

I'm also privileged to support leaders in my day-to-day work as their trusted thinking partner, holding their ropes as they explore their leadership.

I get to see the common threads of shared experience.

"Self-management", is a theme that shows up consistently.

Specifically, how to manage one's emotions during conversations with people who are [triggering/difficult /challenging] (insert your preferred adjective).

I’ve struggled with this, more times than I can count. I've been triggered by emails from specific people. My intuitive reaction always betrayed my ‘best me’. I rarely show up well in these triggering moments when my nervous system is activated.

At least email offers a physical and temporal separation from the trigger.

In-person conversations pose a whole new level of challenge.

I’ve had those too of course. And I’m pleased to say I learned good supporting strategies. Moving from activation to regulation takes practice.

The key for me lies in expanding the space between stimulus and response.

A Definition…

"Leadership is... expanding the space between stimulus and response."

An Idea…

Self-awareness is a prerequisite to Self-Management

Before there can be self-management there has to be self-awareness. That's tricky while we’re caught up in the intensity of our experience, in the moment.

It’s challenging to be outside of yourself, observing, while you’re busy BEING and FEELING.

Self-awareness

"Anybody can be angry, that is easy; but to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree, and at the right time, and for the right purpose, and in the right way, that is not within everybody’s power, that is not easy."?( — Aristotle, The Art of Rhetoric)

Here are some strategies to expand self-awareness —

??Body scan

Run periodic body scans throughout the day. Slowly sweep your attention up your body from the soles of your feet to the top of your head. Notice comfort, pressure, tension, energy, heart rate, temperature, sensation, and posture. The body holds many signals and getting familiar with them gives you more data.

??Naming it

To name an emotion we have to recognise it. That means we have it within us or have experienced it – anger, grief, sadness, despair, ecstasy, excitement, nervousness. We have rich language to describe an even broader set of interconnected emotional states. Precision here requires practice.

??Metaphor

In addition to a rich emotional vocabulary, we have metaphors. They can capture complex multi-faceted states. When I think about tying onto a rope to lead a rock climb at the edge of my ability it generates a whole-body feeling. My palms begin to sweat, I start to yawn. I notice a lot of apprehension, a little fear, a bunch of excitement, a fidgety energy.

"I feel like I'm about to lead a climb at the edge of my ability."

"It's as if I have the weight of the world on my shoulders."

??Self-Reflection

What can't you be with?

What are the topics, the emotions, the energy that you can't be with? The conditions where you react; lose presence; are triggered. The situations where you give your power away.

Get to know these things. Identify them. Name them. Get underneath them. What about them is challenging for you? This is your stuff. And when it shows up in the systems you are in, you lose presence and lose your power.

When you can find more ease in being with these things you cannot be with, you will retain presence a little longer and move from reaction to response.

Self-management

Viktor Frankl is attributed with a key observation on personal agency and free will.

"Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom." (—?Possibly Viktor Frankl)

Brené Brown captured this as a formula, where S is stimulus, R is the response and the parentheses are the space between – Frankl's 'choice'.

S ( ) R

I present an updated version that accounts for the size of the space between stimulus and response and shows the impact of expanding the space. I add an important distinction between 'reaction' and 'response'.

S ( ) Rn→Rp

When the space is small, or zero, we react, Rn.

As the space grows we react less and respond, Rp, more.

Reaction to Response.

Where the space between is small, we tend to react. It’s a place of reaction and emotion; Impulsive (fight or flight), automatic, intuitive, "System 1" thinking. When we react we lose presence; we lose the critical connection with the other person. We're in a place of being activated.

Where the space is larger we get to respond, rather than react. A response is considered. Less amygdala hijack. More thoughtful, deliberate, considered, "System 2". In this place we are more present. This is the place of regulation.

"How can we drive a wedge into the space between stimulus and response, to make it bigger and create more choice?"

So one view of self-management is the question, "How can we drive a wedge into the space that follows stimulus?". Expanding that space expands your options and therefore your choice.

Moving from reaction to response, from activated to regulated is a skill that must be practised. And a practice requires a strategy.

Here are 4 strategies to expand your self-management practice.

??Count to 90

According to Harvard scientist Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, it takes 90 seconds to identify an emotion and allow it to dissipate. It turns the volume down on activity in the amygdala and helps come back to regulation.

??Name it out loud

Sharing what you’ve noticed brings transparency to the conversation and makes asking for what you need more accessible.

“I notice that my heart is pounding and I feel really warm. It seems I'm reacting strongly to this information. Can we take an hour for me to process this and then meet again when I’ve figured out what this means to me?”

??Breathe and stay quiet

Some people know me for holding silence and taking my time to respond in meetings. Sometimes I named that too, “I’m taking a moment to figure out what I want to say about this”.

When I notice what's happening in my body and I've named it, I will focus on my breathing.

If I'm activated I'll consciously slow my breathing down. Moving my focus entirely to my in-breath and out-breath. Three of four good, long, slow breaths from the diaphragm can be enough to stimulate the vagus nerve and activate the parasympathetic nervous system.

??Distinctions: Dangerous or Scary

Sometimes I would be surprised in meetings by news that negatively impacted me. Being change-averse I found these moments triggering.

I learned to pay attention to my inner dialogue and focus on the story the voice in my head was constructing. Invariably this was my catastrophizing saboteur, working hard to keep me alive.

That voice served our ancestors well, when as hunter-gatherers everything in the environment was likely to kill us.

That no longer holds true and doesn't serve. I'd remember some of the exposed positions I've found myself in on rock climbs and remind myself that I might be scared, but I'm not in danger. Perspective.

This distinction is key for me. Being scared is normal and can be managed. Making the distinction is another way for me to drive the wedge into the space.

What strategies do you have for expanding the gap between stimulus and response?

An Experiment…

?? Journal prompts:

- What can't you be with?

- Where do you give your power away?

- When were you triggered this week, and what led to that?

?? Spend a week tracking your moods with?the Mood Meter App?(other apps are available)

?? Pick just one of the self-awareness techniques above and spend the next week practising it. Make notes about the impact and what you notice.

An invitation to explore…

?? Article:?Creating Space : Brene Brown Blog (3 mins)

?? Book:?Thinking, Fast and Slow?: Daniel Kahneman

?? Book:?Emotional Intelligence?: Daniel Goleman

?? TedX:?Increase your self-awareness with one simple fix?: Tasha Eurich (17:17)

Leadership needn't be lonely!

Lead when ready!

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