How to manage toxic parent behaviour

It has disturbed me greatly to read this article, Help! My school WhatsApp group is making me hate other parents, 8/8/23) and to hear over the past few years about the increase in toxic behaviours, more recently those appearing in What's App parent groups. It is disappointing to learn about the conversations taking place in these groups and how they are impacting not only those who are being targeted by some parents such as principals and teachers, but also how being a part of this culture is affecting the parents who choose to join the groups.

Firstly, it is no secret amongst parents who are on the school journey that it can be an uncomfortable experience being part of a school community, not as a student but now as an adult. It is much like being back at school, with groups of parents who engage in talk about teachers and make comments about other parents or students, and generally create a toxic culture that if left to its own devices can become like a runaway train. Not all parents want to be a part of this culture and often it can be one of the reasons some people prefer to stay away from the school environment altogether. Unfortunately, it is now in the online space and seems to increasingly becoming worse.

This is exactly the experience I had when my eldest daughter began school. It felt almost like being back at school as a teenager where there seemed to be a pressure to fit into the various groups or to find your tribe. Each group I entered seemed to have a negative tone and I had to check in on my values to see if I wanted to be a part of these conversations that were not very productive, nor was the culture one that I wanted to surround my child with.

So I took action and did something about it and ironically it was because of this experience, that conversation led me into the career I have now, working with schools to engage parents in positive ways to stamp out this toxic culture that has developed over time. I realised the reason parents behave in these ways can be attributed to the disconnect they feel, resulting in a lack of control, when their children begin school. Parents are not provided with an understanding of their many important roles to focus on supporting their child's learning and wellbeing as well as leading positively by example in their school community. They often feel left in the dark and not fully capable of supporting their child, and may turn to other parents for information or validation.

As a result of my conversations with our school Principal at the time to discuss these issues, guided by his leadership and that of other teachers, we created a parent-teacher action team to work on strategies to develop a positive school culture and family-school partnerships that would enable parents to focus more on engaging in learning and developing positive community. I now offer the Parent Engagement Action Team Mentor Program (https://practicallylearning.com.au/inspire/) for other schools who want to shift this culture and support parents in positive ways. I've also just launched my book, 'Creating Connections' (Available now at https://ambapress.com.au/products/creating-connections) to support parents in understanding their roles, how to manage themselves and learn how to support their child through the school journey and am available to run webinars or speaking in schools with parents and teachers.

Aligning with your values

This is a short excerpt from a chapter from my book that addresses the issues for parents who come across these toxic groups and how to check in with your values before participating or feeling the pressure to be a part of this sort of culture. Leading by example is not always easy but it is needed to eliminate this type of behaviour that is occurring online and out of the school's jurisdiction.

When it comes to understanding your own values and how you demonstrate these for your children, it’s helpful to explore how you manage yourself when other people’s values don’t align with your own. You may encounter challenges if teachers or other parents you meet through the school experience have values that differ from yours.

When faced with this possibility, it’s helpful to consider Maslow’s hierarchy of human needs?– one of which is acceptance or belonging (Abulof 2017). Schools are very much a place where children seek a sense of belonging, in friendship groups and in where they fit in the classroom. But it’s not only children who experience this – I recall my own experiences when my first child began school. I felt triggered as I entered the school environment for the first time as an adult. It felt as if I was back at school myself, having to make new friends and find a tribe in this new environment to feel that sense of belonging.

When I first stepped into the school yard again, I felt as though the culture of parents was very similar to the students when I was at school. There were various groups of people who gravitate towards each other?– they may have had shared interests or values. This created a culture of separate groups. As I navigated my way through these groups to see whether I fit in, I found the talk and behaviour amongst some parents could sometimes be quite judgemental and out of alignment with my values.

Initially I felt unsafe again; I felt that I would have to work hard to fit in, much like I had felt at school – which sometimes meant going against my family values. This presented a challenge for me as I was actually dealing with a memory rather than a reality. I?was no longer at school but feelings were still appearing in my subconscious. I needed to really reflect on my personal values and how they aligned with other people I?was meeting. I?had to consider how I could still remain true to my values and impart them to my children without feeling pressured to conform or fit in with other people’s expectations.

You may notice everything I?refer to here relates back to how we feel. Feelings have an impact on how we respond and how we know when something is out of alignment with our values. If you feel uncomfortable or that you don’t fit in with how others’ speak or behave, you need to check in with yourself to either overcome these triggers and emotions and not let them affect you, or align yourself with people who are similar to you.

This kick started my interest in wanting to understand more about human behaviour and what actually causes parents to behave a certain way in the school environment. I?was curious about how people parent their children through their education, and what the parent role is when we return to that environment as adults. With so many different parenting styles and values related to what parents allow their children to do or how they behave, it looked to me like a very complex culture that needed to be explored further to understand how to create an environment for parents that was welcoming and inclusive, that didn’t trigger or exacerbate past emotional trauma.

Developing the culture of a school environment is not only the responsibility of the staff and students. It can be heavily influenced by the parents in the community and the environment they create for the children. Children are watching and learning from us all the time, particularly how we interact in our friendship circles and relationships with other adults.

If you'd like to read more about this topic and more related to guiding children on their learning journey, visit https://ambapress.com.au/products/creating-connections

About the Author

Rachel?Stewart is the founder and director of?Practically Learning, an Australian-based coaching and learning facilitation business, building positive school culture and connection between schools and families to improve student learning.

She provides one on one and group transformational coaching, consulting and professional learning online courses, webinars, workshops for school leaders, teachers and parents to develop their capacity as partners in learning, to connect, engage and inspire children's learning.

Rachel is an author and accomplished speaker, having presented at several conferences around Australia. Her book, 'Creating Connections - Inspire your child to thrive in their learning',?is a practical resource for parents and educators in understanding our important roles in supporting children as partners on their learning journey.

Click here to book a?clarity conversation?with Rachel.