How to Manage Our Thoughts Better!

In my previous article I spoke about the power of our thoughts and when not managed properly they can have a really negative effect on our internal harmony and balance. To better manage our thoughts, we need to practice defusion. Defusion is about observing our thoughts and seeing them for what they are – just products of our busy minds. Defusing from our thoughts helps to lessen any negative impact on our behaviour.

In this article I will share a few methods, which if adopted and practiced regularly, can drastically change and transform how we feel about our thoughts and drive different, healthier behaviours.

1)   Give Your mind another name (like John)

If you give your mind a different name, as if it’s a different person, you will be able to choose to agree or disagree with it. If we perceive our mind as one with us, it’s hard to be in conflict or disagree with the thoughts we tell ourselves. 

My parents told me that as a toddler, I didn’t start walking until really late and they worried whether this would happen at all, as every time I would decline and exclaim “no, no she falls”. I probably experienced falling on the first few occasions and I didn’t like it, so I would say someone else falls, not me. Although I probably understood it would be a good idea to walk, I could prolong not walking as I was not in conflict with myself; I was simply concerned about this other person. I am sure that I didn’t think things through to this level but maybe this funny example can help illustrate the concept here. It’s easier to do or not do things when we look at our mind as a different persona.

We can be more objective, and we can deal better with the internal conflict. When we have negative thoughts, the first step is to stop that process and think – John says this about …

2)   Disobey John !

In my previous article I wrote about the walking exercise, where our mind says something, but we perform the opposite, we disobey it. The overpowering thoughts our mind conjures up are simply an illusion, so by disobeying our mind on purpose we can intentionally practice defusion. For example, some of us are afraid of making mistakes and then over analysing a situation to the point we become cognitively paralysed.

We all make mistakes, it’s part of life and ultimately people who are afraid of making mistakes just have a challenge to accept the reality and struggle with the fact THEY could make mistakes. They have unrealistic expectations of themselves and they are probably too harsh on themselves in general. Avoidance hinders progress as ultimately when we make mistakes we are learning. If framed constructively we probably learn faster. Next time when your beat yourself up over a mistake, disobey your mind! Tell ‘John’ it’s ok, as there will be solutions to that mistake and it’s all right IF you make a mistake as you will learn from it and do better next time.

3)   Thoughts about controlling emotions

The most frequent challenge we have in regard to emotions is that we want to control them. Emotions give us passion, make us enjoy life, feel etc. Trying to suppress or control them is counterproductive. The key is to accept them as they are and perhaps to tell ourselves, that it’s ok I feel like this, it means I care or this is important to me etc. I recently coached a client who was relaying to me a recent experience where she was trying to be strong in a meeting and not show emotions, which resulted with her not being able to put her point across and express her ideas. The solution with this is not to try to suppress our emotions but to fully accept them, tell ‘John’ it’s ok. Say “I understand you are upset, angry, or nervous because this is important to you”. Depending on the context you can then practice defusion by giving your mind something else to focus on. It can be breathing, body sensations or if in a meeting, focus on others as that’s easier. Tell John to focus on perhaps observing other people. What questions can I ask them? How can I help and support them? What’s important to them?

4)   Consciously acknowledge what your mind (John) is trying to do

When your mind goes crazy on negative thoughts, why not try making fun of it? This can go for situations where we are afraid, and the thoughts are negative in regard to either the outcome or our performance. Answer something like “Thank you John for that thought, and the usual shenanigans, it really isn’t necessary. I appreciate what you are trying to do but I have got this covered, don’t worry”. If alone and the thoughts are loud you can say that out loud. I sometimes talk with myself when I walk on the street as I would have the headphones on anyway. People can think I am on the phone and if they think I am crazy it’s ok as I’ll see them just for a temporally moment anyway as I pass them.

5)   Question your thoughts no matter what – don’t take them as absolute truths and pure facts!

When I was a child, I remember on the occasions that my parents were being “absurd” and not allowing me to play indefinitely I would get upset with them and imagine I was adopted. I would fantasise how my real parents would come and collect me, and they would be so much more understanding. When I was about 8 years old, my aunt thought it would be a good idea to make a good joke and tell me I was adopted. She had no idea about my imaginary world, and it is probably debatable how good the joke was but to cut the story short I totally believed her. It took my mom a lot of effort to convince me that was not the truth and I still questioned the truth for a long time after this. I believed my aunt’s statement so easily because she unintentionally touched on something that I was thinking myself. At that point I liked my parents most of the time, so I didn’t want to be adopted anymore. The lesson here was to look at things from several angles and to seriously consider people or only situations that are verifiably true.

I’ve just finished the “The Ten Commandments of Business Failure”, a book I recommend, as I liked Donald R. Keough’s reverse business suggestions. Below some reverse psychology advice, as my mind (I can't reveal how I call it, as if you name your mind after me, we will have identity problems) thinks is difficult to write like this, so I appreciate it and I’ll give it a try anyway just to disobey it.

How often do we think about a scenario, stimulated by our wishes or fears and then we look for things to confirm it in reality? Sometimes most of the things we see are unfortunate situations, pure coincidence or things that have absolutely nothing to do with us.

To solve this, under no circumstances should we question our thoughts or confirm them with people. Next time when you think you “know” something, do not ask yourself: am I sure this is the truth; do I have any concrete evidence? Do not question or consider the possibility of a misunderstanding or wrong interpretation of the information. Act on them as absolute truths and get upset and frustrated with the situation. The more you do that the better, as it will help you not think constructively but feel miserable or anxious or ideally both. 

The methods described above are from Acceptance & Commitment Therapy Model of Psychological Flexibility, which is the ability to stay in contact with the present moment regardless of unpleasant thoughts, feelings, and body sensations, while choosing different behaviours. There are plenty of books and science behind it in case you want to know more about it.

Happy Thoughts Understanding!