How to Manage Conflict (with Style) as an Introverted Professional

The quality of our lives depends not on whether or not we have conflicts, but on how we respond to them.

— Thomas Crum, "The Magic of Conflict"

When it comes to managing conflict as an introverted professional, you probably find it more challenging than your more extroverted counterparts. In general, the introverted among us often tend to avoid confrontation. We would rather keep to ourselves than deal with the stress of a heated disagreement.

However, there are ways for introverts to manage conflict effectively. By understanding your natural tendencies and refining your strategies, you can become better equipped to handle conflict in ways that works for you.

Whenever people with different perspective come together, conflict can arise. While conflict can feel intensely unpleasant in the moment, it can also have very real benefits.

For one, conflict can lead to a more thorough examination of an issue. When people are forced to defend their positions, they do more research and think more deeply about the issue at hand. This can result in a better understanding of the issue and potential solutions.

Conflict can also generate new ideas and perspectives. Often it is only through the challenging of ideas, that we are forced to think outside the box, and come up with truly novel and creative solutions.

But as we know, not all conflict is created equal, and being able to discern between healthy and unhealthy conflict is critical for developing your conflict management skills.

Healthy vs. Unhealthy Conflict

Healthy conflict occurs when two or more people are able to disagree without becoming defensive. Engaging in healthy conflict means sharing your own perspectives, while also listening to and respecting the perspectives of the other party - healthy conflict can lead to a host of positive outcomes. Healthy conflict can...

• foster a culture of psychological safety where individuals are encouraged to share divergent viewpoints.
• build trust and empathy between individuals and teams.
• serve as a catalyst for better decision making.

On the other end of the conflict spectrum, unhealthy conflict has no real benefits - it moves both parties further away from a solution. Unhealthy conflict is personal, defensive, and unproductive.

Identifying your Conflict Management Style

Understanding your default conflict management style is the first step in becoming more skilled in the art of conflict management.

There are 4 basic conflict management styles.? Let’s explore each style, remembering that there is no single best approach to managing conflict - managing conflict effectively requires using the right style, to the right degree, in the right situation.

Style #1: Avoidance

When applying this style you are seeking to extricate yourself from the conflict entirely.?

Examples of healthy avoidance look like:

• Saying “no” when prompted to engage in a conflict that doesn’t require your involvement
• Refusing to engage in a conflict with a coworker who is in the midst of a temper tantrum
• Resisting the urge to hit “reply all” on that heated email thread

Examples of unhealthy avoidance can show up as:

• Ignoring a serious problem in the hopes that it will go away on its own
• Using substances to disconnect or ‘numb out’??
• Using passive aggressiveness language or behaviors?

Style #2: Accommodation

Using the accommodation conflict style often involves chronically putting others’ needs ahead of your own.? Personally, my defaulting to this style has resulted in my shooting myself in the foot on more than one occasion - I’m working on it :)?

Examples of healthy accommodation look like:

• Acquiescing when the other party is far more invested in a particular outcome than you are?
• Accepting a less than optimal outcome in order to preserve an important relationship?

Examples of unhealthy accommodation can look like:

• Routinely pretending to adopt viewpoints that are contrary to what you actually think or feel
• Being a martyr?
• Consistently prioritizing the needs of others ahead of your own well-being

Style #3: Competition

The competitive conflict management style is all about winning.? When we apply this style, we are focused on our own goals, and give little thought or consideration to the needs or wants of the other party.???

Using the competitive style in a healthy way can look like:

• Aggressively pushing a point of view when an immediate decision is required and there is no time for collaboration
• Advocating for why a customer should choose you over a competitor

Using the competitive style in an unhealthy way can take the form of:

• Resorting to cheating or manipulation in order to win
• Damaging important relationships for the sake of being “right”
• Being unwilling to acknowledge the value of alternate perspectives

Style #4: Collaboration

When we use a collaborative conflict management style, we are cooperatively and assertively working with the other party to identify a solution that satisfies everyone’s needs.? Collaboration is generally touted as the optimal conflict management style. ? But as with the other conflict management styles, it’s only effective when used to the right degree, in the right situation.?????

Healthy collaboration can look like:?

• Encouraging everyone in a group to share ideas for how to solve a complex problem affecting the members?
• Seeking to resolve a conflict in a manner that preserves (or even strengthens) your relationship with another person
• Inviting your customers to weigh in on the benefits and disadvantages of a change before implementing

Unhealthy collaboration can manifest as:

• Agonizing over finding a win-win solution that does not exist?
• Repeatedly attempting to collaborate with someone that is unwilling to budge on their position
• Shifting responsibility to the group, because you’re scared to make an unpopular decision that you know must be made?

Now that you’ve been acquainted with the 4 primary conflict management styles (Avoidance Accommodation, Competition, and Collaboration), I invite you to reflect on 3 questions:?

1. Which conflict style comes most naturally to you?
2. How comfortable are you with switching between styles as needed?
3. What is it like to be in conflict with someone who is unwilling or unable to adapt their conflict style??

Strategies for Improving Your Conflict Management Skills

One of the inherent challenges of practicing your conflict skills is that you don’t always have control over when or where a conflict will arise. Proactively creating conflict is one way to get better at managing conflict - but I wouldn’t recommend it! Here are some less risky strategies...

Take an Improv Class

The benefits of improv go way beyond learning how to make an audience laugh. By learning and integrating basic improvisation principles and techniques into your life, you get more comfortable trusting your instincts, while learning to communicate more directly and succinctly - skills that are essential for navigating conflict.??

An improv class also affords you the opportunity to “try on” new conflict management styles.? Are you more passive when it comes to conflict? Pretend to be a judge, or a drill sergeant that doesn’t take s&^% from anyone.? In an improv class you can experiment with new behaviors and communication strategies, without any negative consequences.???

Audit Your Emotions

Conflict in any form can be emotionally triggering, particularly for the more introverted among us.? We’ve all experienced situations where we lost our cool during a conflict, and did or said something that only escalated an already tense situation.??

When we feel threatened, the primal regions of our brain light up (notably the amygdala), which in turn suppresses our brain’s ability to perform complex problem solving tasks. So when you are unable to manage your negative emotions, you actually lose IQ points!?

The “Emotional Audit” is a technique I learned from Relly Nadler, an executive coach who trains leaders to manage their emotions in high-stress situations, by developing greater emotional intelligence.??

The Emotional Audit consists of five simple questions that you can ask yourself when you are preparing for a situation that is likely to elicit negative emotions:

Question 1: What am I thinking right now??

Question 2: What emotions am I feeling right now?

Question 3: What do I want to happen in this situation?

Question 4: How might I get in my own way?

Question 5: What do I need to do right now to increase my chances of a positive outcome?

The best part about this technique is that it only takes 30-60 seconds to reorient your thoughts and emotions away from the negative patterns and mental blocks that are likely to impede your ability to manage the conflict effectively.?

In Summary

Conflict is not a 4-letter word and does not need to be a source of strife. As an introverted professional, you can cultivate greater conflict management confidence by:?

• Learning to quickly discern between healthy and unhealthy conflict.
• Taking inventory of your go-to conflict styles and learning to adjust your style accordingly.
• Leveraging opportunities to practice new conflict styles when the stakes are low

If you enjoyed this article, please share it with a friend or colleague! To learn more about my coaching and training services, visit PowerPlayLeadership.com.

When was the last time you effectively managed a highly contentious situation? What strategy(s) did you use??

Share your tips and experience in the comments below!