How To Make Your Divorce Easier For Your Children

No parent wants to knowingly inflict emotional pain on their children 

But children aren't daft 

If things are rocky in your marriage, your children will have already picked up on it. From the way you speak to each other or the things you no longer do as a family etc. 

If your marriage isn't going to get better then home life isn't going to get better for your children 

It's fair to say a miserable marriage mean miserable children. Yes, divorce is stressful and most children won't initially like their parents living apart, but happy parents mean happy children 

You are your children's first teacher and role model. Do you want them to learn to stay in an unhappy marriage, to accept it's ok to live a miserable life? 

Staying together for the sake of the children does not serve them well in the future 

You may feel guilty for getting divorced, but you shouldn't let this hold you back from making the right decision for all of you. There are ways to make divorce easier on the children, which I will be exploring over my next few posts 

Divorce doesn't have to be devastating if handled right

Tip 1 

Where you can, discuss and agree on how and when you are both going to break the news of your divorce to your children 

Be Calm and be prepared for upset and questions 

If you can, try and anticipate what questions they may ask and agree with your spouse about how you are going to answer them

Depending on their ages, common questions maybe 

1. Who will we live with?
2. Will we be able to see mum/dad often?
3. Will I be able to go to the same school?
4. Who will we spend Christmas with?
5. Do you still love us?
6. Who’s fault is it?

Remember children are still children no matter how mature they are and they don’t need to know the ins and outs of your decision to divorce

If you want your children to be unscathed by your divorce it is important to make sure they maintain a positive relationship with both of you

The last thing you should do is confide in your children like you would an adult friend or get into finger-pointing and criticising their other parent 

Tip 2 

Many children, who learn that their parents are separating and getting divorced, initially feel rejected or that it is somehow their fault 

It is important, therefore, to regularly reassure your children that it is not their fault and that they are both still loved very much and will continue to be so by both you and their other parent

It is important for your children to understand that the divorce is about your relationship with their other parent and not about your relationship or the other parent's relationship with them 

Teenagers are likely to have more complex feelings and reactions to the news. If you think your teenage child is struggling to come to terms with the changes divorce brings about, don’t be afraid to seek professional help. It is not a sign of weakness or a reflection on your parenting skills

Tip 3 

Be honest with your children. If you don’t have the answer to a question they have asked, then say so

Remember, it is not fair on your children to burden them with your emotions and concerns…no matter how mature your children are and how much they encourage you to share your pain…children should be allowed to be children, so work on a needs to know basis 

Your children are more likely to feel reassured if they sense you and their other parent are in control of the situation and working things out amicably or at least civilly even if you don’t have all the answers for them right now 

Tip 4 

Let them have a say 

Divorce naturally brings about a lot of uncertainty for both you and your children 

It helps children deal with uncertainty if they feel involved in some of the decision making when it comes to the small stuff

For instance, let them pick out the bedding and decor for their new bedroom, what clothes to take with them when they spend time at their other parents home, what belongings they are going to leave at each home. 

Allowing them to have a say, to some extent, in how they divide their time between you and their other parent may also help them adjust better 

Don’t, however, allow your children to dictate to you. Remember, you are their parent and therefore you need to set boundaries and adhere to them. Listen to their wishes, consider and then you decide what is for the best. Children feel safer knowing their parents are still parenting them even if they do challenge your decision making from time to time 

Tip 5 

Don’t hide away in shame 

Letting people outside the family know you are separating and getting divorced may help a lot.

Telling your children school you are getting divorced allows your children’s teachers to look out for your children when you are not there. If your children uncharacteristically start misbehaving at school, become introverted or start getting lower marks their teachers will have the heads up and will be able to help 

This also applies to the organisers of out of school activities your children may regularly attend 

This also gives your children another outlet away from the immediate family to voice their feelings and worries 

On the point, don’t forget to seek out support for yourself as you cannot pour from an empty cup. This support may be emotional support from friends/family or a professional or it may be legal support freeing you up to concentrate on your children and not the legal issues that go with getting a divorce 

If you would like help with the legal side of your separation and divorce, then please get in touch. I can lighten the burden you are currently carrying 

First Published on 4 May 2021at https://www.lifeschapters.co.uk/blog/how-to-make-your-divorce-easier-for-your-children/