How to make sense of corporate jargon

Oh hello there, I did not see you. Would you like to have some tea? How does coffee sound to you? Go ahead, help yourself.

Please arrive inside, and allow your soul to experience immense comfort with my state-of-the-art alphabetization of words to make a coherent statement that will positively impact your robust soul and seize your attention with my premium skills. I love over-the-wall statements because they emphasize my value proposition to show that I always give my 110%.

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Who da faq talks like that?

No for real, unless you're

a) A Psychopath

b) A small child

c) A guy who just wants to sound important.

And yes, I just said this on LinkedIn, does it hurt my prospects? Should I care? No. Do you know why? Because business jargon makes things harder for businesses themselves.

Oh, what happened? Was I too direct with you? Here let me phrase it so that you get it better.

Using corporate language might just lead to adverse revenue growth in the long run as it shifts the goal post from providing value to customers to reaching out and trying hard to learn what this copy means which can lead to quite negative consequences.

Did you get it now?

See, that is why it's so important to communicate clearly. You set expectations from the get-go.

"But Sushrut" I hear you ask, "Why do you hate corporate jargon so much?"

I'll tell you. Because there is a ton of difference between "Sounding important" vs "Being important"

Sounding important is easy. Just write everything in passive tense with adverbs galore and you now sound like an executive of a Fortune 500 company. Read any finance or law books and you'll understand how insecure so many high performers are.

I get it. You have a Porsche and a big desk and a trophy girlfriend/wife, you don't have to rub it in my face.

Note: Also, I don't mean every single high performer is insecure. In my career, I have worked with a few CEOs, Recruiters, and Lawyers who are hyper-self-aware and super nice to be around. I have seen a few top performers go over and beyond to help other people rise up. These men and women are my inspiration and maybe one day I'll make a list of such people.

Now where was I? Yeah being important.

"Being Important" on the other hand requires close self-introspecting oneself and realizing that we aren't perfect.

It gives us a chance to be rejected by a potential client or even distance people whom we like. In simple terms, being important is to be open, and honest with set values and opinions that should change once your facts are proven wrong.

Being important starts when we are open and vulnerable in our communications. when we communicate without any ulterior motives.

Honest communications is communicating with no strings attached. This is a subtle form of power that shows you are your own person.

Anyway, this isn't some pop-psych article. You're here to survive the corporate world so I'll give you the top 5 words that are super common. Along with that, I'll show you the alternate words to use as well.

All right, get your notes cuz we're about to do it.

a) Giving 110%

If you ever, ever say this... then you don't know basic maths. Nobody in this world can go beyond 100%. It's not possible. This isn't dragon ball z, son.

Meaning: Putting Extra Effort

What you can say instead: I'll do my best. (because this is the truth)

b) Bleeding edge

For the love of everything that is holy, stick to "cutting edge". "Bleeding edge" what are you? A butcher?

Meaning: Innovative practice

What you can say instead: Cutting edge/Latest

c) Jump the shark

Have you see Jaws? Saw what happened to Quint? How about the "Deep Blue Sea"? Ever seen anyone who can survive a shark attack in fiction? I'll wait.

Meaning: Struggle to stay relevant

What you can say instead: Crisis. Any crisis. How about "We're not relevant anymore." Yeah, it hits harder but it gets the job done and there is a lot of agency in that statement.

d) Thought Shower

I have always had Shower-debates and shower-oscar-accepting-speech. WTF is a thought shower? Do you all shower together while rambling your inner feelings?

Meaning: Group discussion to come up with creative ideas.

What you can use instead: Brainstorming. It's simple, its relevant, its effective.

e) Trim the fat

This phrase sounds a lot better as a gym banner than in any office. No seriously imagine the irony of an overweight senior saying "Trim the fat" to a fit junior.

Meaning: To remove unnecessary details

What you can use instead: Remove unnecessary details.

Yeah... so that's about it from my side. Sorry for keeping ya'll waiting. Habit is something I am working on. But I will do my best to write at least once every single week.

Thank for your time. See you later, alligator.