We should reflect on the public service recently rendered by Yevgeny Prigozhin in helping to resurface and add drainage ditches to the eastern extension of the M4 motorway.??
In a special PR operation of limited duration and achievable objectives, we also saw his plausibly-deniable troll farms calling out Putin and his military cronies on the quality of the war they are waging in Ukraine.?
OK, he is not a particularly nice bloke, encouraging high staff attendance at the blunt end of a sledgehammer, but we can admire his ambition and fortitude in trying to unseat one the world's few remaining dictators. Those party bosses have always been a tricky bunch to deal with.
Putin's ex-employee reward scheme is not dissimilar in approach to the sledgehammer, with rather more stick than carrot being the preferred option.?Let's be fair though, Putin (and his predecessors in the top totalitarian dog stakes) have shown considerably more flair.?Ex-employees and critics are able to choose from a wide menu of benefits, including:?
- Curing your annoying tinnitus by aural application of ice-pick to the hypo-thalamus
- A free holiday to the chain of Gulag rest-home situated in the well-patronised oblast of northern Siberia
- Prescribed dosage of ricin, skilfully administered at the sharpened tip of an umbrella
- Polonium radiotherapy, using pharmaceutical grade material curated with great care in a government approved facility; delivered to your London hotel by personal courier and administered in a nice cup of tea.
- Treatment of your troublesome PTSD with the FSB-approved sedative Novichok, currently being market tested by those nice people at Porton Down nice for efficacy and patient safety.
- One-to-one delivery of a crash-course in urban free-running, starting with rope-free abseiling from your very own London balcony, leveraging traditional iron railings as a safety device.
- Your very own Lucite-encased souvenir of shrapnel from the BUK missile that 'accidentally' downed MH17 (as a limited edition tribute to employees who go the extra mile in anticipating and manifesting their boss's every whim).
?So Prigozhin, here's hoping that you enjoy the multi-million dollar bonus and gold Rolex used to bribe you back down the M4.?Allow me to suggest some preventative measures you could take to ensure a long and happy retirement:?
- Titanium ear-plugs to ensure calm restful sleep.
- Beware of last-minute package holiday deals where the travel company chooses the accommodation at the last minute (good advice for anyone actually).
- Good quality cricket pads to help ward off careless bowler-hatted city gents with wayward umbrellas
- A wearable Geiger counter to pre-warn you if your teapot is hotter than expected
- A personal butler to open doors, dispose of empty perfume bottles and squeeze your toothpaste just in case other tourists have smeared something nasty on them
- A spacious ground-floor apartment - definitely nothing with steps or a lift!
- Avoid package deals overflying any country within interception range of MiG fighters, helpfully asking you to land so that they can check your visa and baggage allowance (in the public interest).
?Enjoy your retirement Yevgeny!
