How to Make Friends When You Move to a City Where You Have None
Last month, I took the plunge of traveling to a new city for work. As I brought up my last trash bag of clothes from my Hyundai Elantra to my apartment (yes, I used trash bags instead of boxes) and placed it within my walk in closet, I realized that all I had done was move my belongings half way across the country. Moving didn't impact my employment, it didn't lower my FICO, and with my employer being kind enough to pay for my relocation, it didn't impact my bank account. What really took a toll on me in that moment, as I began to match my socks to the tune of my Spotify playlist, was that my friends and family were over two thousand miles away from me. For the first time in thirty years, I was alone. So, I wrote down a few ideas I had that night. I want to share with anyone that may have recently moved, that may be looking for ways to make friends in a new city where you have none.
Now, you may be thinking this is counter intuitive, and I totally understand any confusion. Let me explain. Have you ever been in a position where you wanted to approach someone? Let's take a celebrity you admire for example. As you begin to build the courage to approach and ask for a picture or autograph, you may get more nervous and in your own head. You see, you have oriented yourself around approaching that individual. The same goes for meeting new friends. So the next time you go out, don't have the thought process of making friends, have the thought process of enjoying your night. With whoever you meet along the way as a bonus. This will help eliminate a lot of the fear you have of meeting people in person, and make the interaction feel that much more genuine. So the next time you go out, switch your mindset to focusing on enjoying yourself, enjoying a good view or learning something new, with your new friends you discover as secondary bonus. You'll be surprised how organic the interactions can become. Find a purpose every day, orient yourself around it and make a genuine interaction with people that come along your path. Your social circle will grow like Bitcoin in 2020.
Are you able to listen? Do you have the ability to open your mouth and ask interesting questions? Can you display a genuine interest in people's lives? Can you talk less about yourself and listen to others talk about themselves? If you can display these abilities. I promise, you'll see people flock to you. People love humbleness, purity and someone without an ego. You have a lot to offer people. Believe that you do. So leave your ego aside, then listen to someone's story and you'll touch people's lives in a powerful way with your genuine interest in people.
“You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.”
-Dale Carnegie
I'm a big fan of the cold approach. Now a days, most people meet online. Whether that be through social media, online networks, forums or even dating apps. The thing is, that people put on what they proclaim to be their best selves online by selecting their favorite photos, taking hours to write a description, or even paying someone to create their own customized template. When you message them, people can take time to craft a response, instead of giving an immediate reaction. When you meet people in person. You will often meet them in a relaxed state of mind when they aren't putting on a front. By meeting these people organically in person, it displays a genuine interest. You also aren't afraid to be vulnerable, which is an act of courage. Don't be afraid to go out alone and interact with groups of people. Most of the time, people find it fascinating and cool you're out alone. Be your genuine self, ask interesting questions, have a smile on your face and people will begin to welcome you to the pack! This gives you a great opportunity to network and get to make new friends.
This is often overlooked. Have you ever wanted to learn archery? How to make someone unconscious via your arms with jiu-jitsu? or even how to throw an axe at a tree stump? Well my friend, you're not the only one that has the same interests in these items. That I can assure you. While going to a gym is a necessary investment for one's physical health. Signing up at a local club or fitness center that has a cool hobby you'd like to master is a great way to build both physical and social health. While it may be intimidating going into a new place without knowing anyone, most places are extremely inviting. A) The owners want to earn your business, so a good culture is a necessity for these businesses and B) the people who are attending these classes already have the same interest that you do. Asking those who are in class with you what got them into the hobby itself is a great way to break the ice. It also is one of the easiest ways to build a network. Once you become a regular at these classes, you'll feel like you're a part of a family.
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I truly believe that meeting people in an organic, human environment is the best way to form long lasting relationships. In short, dating apps are trash. However, there are a wealth of tools outside of dating applications you can use to meet people organically. Meetup websites, online forums and social media groups are a great way to meet like minded people. A few groups I recommend are based around hiking in large groups, exploring the city via crawls, pickleball, music and community events. Make sure you use these tools safely, meeting with people in a public environment.
If you've been alone in a new city for over two weeks. Ask yourself, "have I been invited to go out or to an event with someone?". You probably have been, whether by colleagues or neighbors. The question is: DID YOU GO? In fact, did you just realize you haven't even introduced yourself to your new neighbors? Luckily, you have enough time to still say your new in town. I digress... I get it, we all get tired. Sometimes it's inconvenient to at the last second attend a dinner you only knew about 15 minutes prior to the reservation time. You know what? Life is still best lived spontaneously in this world of being comfortable and complacent. When you attend a last minute dinner, event, or even an event that was planned in advance. It shows you truly care about the person that invited you. You show you are reliable and dependable. Key traits I would want in any friend. Your neighbors and colleagues also have friends. So the next time Jill in HR asks you to attend an after work happy hour. Go with the mindset of enjoying the company of your co-workers. They may even bring a friend along to expand your social circle.
Now, how do you have a genuine conversation with people? Well, it truly is more of an art than a science. If you aren't good at talking with people. The best thing you can do is listen to people talk. Podcasts are completely free on your phone. Podcasters on YouTube that have guests will give you an actual video to see how people have a conversation while also displaying relaxed body language. I personally would listen to head coaches address the media. Why? Because they need to be positive in the face of adversity, while maintaining confident body language in a high pressure environment. Instead of drilling people with questions, feeling like an interview, carry the conversation forward by asking questions that are open ended instead of ones that only warrant a yes or no response. For example, if someone tells you what they do for work. Don't ask them if the like their job. First, a lot of people don't like their jobs. So you don't want to create negative energy. Instead, ask them what some of their favorite things about their job are. A recent story they would be willing to share at work that was rewarding. You can ask them what they wanted to be as a kid or even when they determined that was the career path they wanted to take. If that person just talks negatively about what they do for work or aren't receptive to your questions, you probably wouldn't want that person as a friend anyways. Also, don't align your ideas with the other persons with every response. A common thing people do is just try to connect to the subject line of whatever that person responds with whether it's a memory or their own input. For example, if someone tells you that their favorite football team is the Baltimore Ravens. Don't just pretend like you know everything about the Ravens. Ask them why they like the team, if they have an all time favorite player and what's their favorite memory from being a fan of that team. You don't have to agree with everyone you meet either. You're not playdough, you're an individual.
If you're someone who believes you can't carry a good conversation. You're not alone, I couldn't either when I was in college. I was so scared to speak to people, caring so much as to what people would think about me, that I would physically be unable to speak. You know the fix? To physically stand up tall with your shoulders back, and talk to as many people as possible. Being uncomfortable is the only way you grow. The good news is that most people are still raised to be polite and courteous. People will give you the time of day if you approach with a smile and carry a conversation forward. You'll be able to develop your social skills at a rapid pace if you were to approach two people a day. If you feel the conversation dying, don't be afraid to be the individual that ends it. This is also a crucial and overlooked skill in the art of communication. People tend to care about what others think of them as well. Have you ever snapped a photo with a group of friends? Who did you look at first when you saw the picture? Don't lie! Stop it. My point being, if you can be that small percent of human interaction that shows a genuine interest in someone, that enjoys genuine conversations, and actually puts their opinions to the wayside to listen about someone's own opinion, thoughts and story. You'll be well on your way to developing a social circle of friends that will lift you up and want the best for you. Now stand up, and the next time you are in line for coffee, ask someone how their day is going. You'll never know where a conversation will lead you!
-Josh
Awesome insight, Joshua!