How to Make Every Mistake in a Conflict

I read a letter in?Dear Abby?the other day which demonstrated a lot of the basic mistakes people make in a conflict. This one was about family dynamics, but the analysis and solution apply to many workplace situations as well.?Dear Abby?suggested family therapy, airing grievances and reaching an agreement, all of which could be helpful. But I want to offer a more nuanced conflict transformation perspective.

The situation, as explained in her letter by the mother:

The father drops in on his son and fiancée unexpectedly, apparently a frequent occurrence. The fiancée sweeps downstairs, and says they are leaving. Father gets upset. Father and mother later confront fiancée, saying they don’t appreciate her attitude. She counters that they had a reservation and gives several examples of when the father’s chattiness has made them late for events. Son agrees with his fiancée but never said anything before. Now the mother is affronted and doesn’t want her son to marry such a bossy and inconsiderate person.

What went wrong??(conflict transformation analysis).

Son and fiancée were?conflict avoidant. They had clearly been irritated by the father’s behavior on multiple occasions, but were afraid to say anything or set any boundaries. When you ignore a problem like that, though, the frustration builds and inevitably ends with the feelings exploding, as happened with the fiancee.

The father had?unrealistic expectations, that a loving relationship meant his son was available to him whenever he wanted.

The mother and father took the incident and turned it into?a blame?story?making the fiancée the villain who didn’t deserve their son. They didn’t think they did anything wrong.

How to fix this?

Start with empathy and self awareness.

I frequently coach people who have these kinds of misunderstandings with bosses, co-workers, or employees. These clients need support first, because their hurt is real and the story they are telling?feels?real. Then I gently assist them to look at what they?contributed?to the problem. Is it truly realistic to expect your adult son to be available all the time without notice? If you don’t tell your father you aren’t available, can you expect him to read your mind?

Apologize

The fiancée and son don’t need to apologize for their feelings, but the fiancée can apologize for the forceful way she expressed herself and they can both apologize for not bringing up the issue before it was a crisis. The parents can apologize for unreasonable expectations.

Negotiate reasonable boundaries

Ask the parents to call and check if this is a good time, or at least check when they come over. Commit to telling parents if it isn’t.

In an ideal world…

Ideally, I would work with all four of them individually to help them own their part. If they can forgive themselves and the other people, knowing they did the best they could with the skills and information they had then, communication can change for the better going forward.

What if one or more people won’t or can’t change? Transformation is still possible!

It takes courage and persistence to change habitual ways of thinking and interacting. Even if one or both of the parents or the son or fiancée won’t change, healing and transformation are still possible?as long as one person in the dynamic is willing.

If the father persists in dropping in unannounced, for example, with practice the son can greet him lovingly, tell him this isn’t a good time and offer an alternative. In this particular instance, he could have said it wasn’t a good time and ask him to walk them to the car.

If the fiancée is the one who overreacts, the son can gently intervene, or the parents can use it as a reminder that they forgot to check availability and give her a pass. They can ask what would work better for the son and fiancée. If the fiancée is the willing one, she can learn to express her feelings and needs calmly and ask her partner for help.

Love and compassion always help.

I have coached a number of leaders in conflict where the other person wasn’t willing to participate. But the miracle is that when one person changes their perspective and behavior, the other person changes too, even if they don’t have a clue what happened!

If you have additional thoughts or perspectives, please share your ideas.

Lorraine Segal has helped over 2000 leaders and others in organizations and corporations communicate more clearly, transform conflicts, and let go of resentments. The goal: to create a more harmonious and productive workplace. ?Through her business, Conflict Remedy, Lorraine creates customized training and coaching programs for non-profit organizations, corporations, and government agencies and Sonoma State University. She was recently named one of the top 15 coaches in Santa Rosa by Influence Digest. She is a contributing author to the book, Stand Up, Speak Out Against Workplace Bullying. Her latest project, a memoir called: Angels and Earthworms, an unexpected journey to love, joy, and miracles, is about her transformation from miserable self-doubt to self-acceptance, true love, spiritual awareness, and right livelihood. Find out more about the memoir here. Contact Lorraine through ConflictRemedy to request a free consultation for you and your organization or to sign up for her conflict remedy newsletter and blog.