How to Make the Ask For What You Really Want

Issue 05

Editor’s Note:?We don’t get what we want when we don’t ask for it. Sometimes we don’t ask for what we want because we’re not clear what the ask is.?When it comes to asking for room to take care of yourself, here's something you can speak up about and ask for: a mental health day.

For World Mental Health Day, I interviewed professionals who have recently requested time off for mental health or are taking it - no questions asked. I was encouraged to discover that more and more Black professionals are embracing mental health days given the historic stigma and shame associated with mental health in the African-American community.

Whether what you need is a day off to regroup or more compensation to do your job better, sometimes it takes a bit of work to know what to ask for. Amber so skillfully guides us through a process to figure that out and the language to communicate our needs. -?Amanda Miller Littlejohn

How to Get Clear on the Equitable Outcome

Identify the feeling and determine its source

Before determining what to say, you need to figure out what you want - and THAT starts with a feeling.?

When you need to speak up, pay attention to your body.

What is happening between your navel and your nose?? Are you experiencing physical symptoms -- pursed lips, acid reflux, stomach churn -- or something that just “doesn’t feel right”?

The answers may come right away, but they may not. You may need some processing time so take time to do that however you usually do, i.e. journaling or taking a walk.

When you get into the habit of determining what you feel, you can better determine what you want. When you can identify what you want, the work of asking for it becomes much easier.

Ask yourself what would make it right for you

Once you realize something is wrong, ask yourself what would make it right for you.

Perhaps what would make the scenario right for you is more time or even more pay.

Maybe you just don't want to oblige a request and would rather the asking party 'get somebody else to do it..."

When you feel yourself settling but aren't sure what you'd rather have instead, continue the internal investigation. Ask yourself...

“Why am I taking this approach?? Why is this the way I’m trying to get this handled?? If there is another way, why haven’t I tried it?”

Don’t resign to muddle through because you want to avoid discomfort.

Speak to the issue that you uncover within yourself

Sometimes we convince ourselves we don’t get to have the thing we want by buying into maybe we don’t deserve it or we haven’t worked hard enough.

But guess what?

You can solve all the speculation by just speaking to the issue i.e.,

“You know what, leader? I would love to have a conversation about my pay.? I am not sure I’m being paid equitably and I’d love to talk through why.”?

Even if they can't accommodate a pay increase at the moment, you've put what you want out there and this opens the door for a continued conversation. You can follow up with something like,

"I’d still like to make more money. What do you think I need to do to get there?”

Simply addressing your issue can sometimes relieve the churn.

Remember: just because someone doesn’t lead with what you want doesn’t mean what you want is off the table.? Sometimes we need to draw attention to what we need.

We did a free course back in July and it was very highly rated. ??????????

We heard lots of great things like:

“Despite it being a very large group in the session, it felt personal, engaging, and conversational.”

“Amber's use of real-life examples to illustrate her points which made it very simple to follow and gave me a better understanding of how I could apply them not only in my professional but also in my personal life.”

We asked LinkedIn: What topic would you like Amber to teach for an upcoming free course?

67% of respondents said they'd like to learn more about tough conversations.

So I'm offering another free course this month, and it's all about mastering the art of navigating tough conversations at work and in life.

???In this course, I'll equip you with practical tactics and valuable scripts to help you communicate effectively, even in challenging situations.

Whether you're on a conflict-averse team, struggling with delivering unfavorable feedback, or simply want to address problematic comments or behaviors, this course is designed with you in mind. ??

My goal is to empower all of us with the skills and confidence to skillfully handle the discussions we encounter on a daily basis, ensuring that everyone has access to inclusion and equity every ?? single ?? time.

Here are the course details:

?? What: How to Navigate Tough Conversations at Work and In Life

?? When: October 24th at 6pm EST - 90 minutes

?? Where: Zoom - you can register here: cabralco.com/free-course

?? Who: It's open to anyone, but you must register to attend.

In our previous course, we had an amazing turnout with over 600 registrations, and once again, we're expecting a full house. Registration includes access to the live session as well as a follow-up recording. I hope to see you in a few weeks, ready to sharpen your communication skills and tackle those challenging conversations head-on! ??

Join the conversation by leaving us your comment, or send in your new questions and scenarios for Amber.

She may respond with a relevant script just for you. You can?submit your specific question or scenario here.

See you in the next issue!

[Submit your question to receive Amber's inclusive communications guidance in an upcoming issue of this newsletter.]

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Amber Cabral?is an award-winning inclusion strategist, certified coach, speaker, and author of two books,?Allies and Advocates (Wiley, 2020)?and?Say More About That (Wiley, 2022). Through training, coaching, and speaking, she helps organizations, diversity and inclusion leaders, and high achievers appropriately disrupt the status quo to invite the innovation, momentum, and diversity of thought necessary to achieve their inclusion goals.

A people-passionate, idea-generating, strategist, Amber develops inclusive leaders and cultivates diverse and equitable cultures for Fortune 500 Organizations with $50B in sales and small 5-person organizations alike.

By applying new and existing knowledge and using her knack for creating vulnerable spaces, Amber leads a team of strategists at?Cabral Co?to bring safety, authenticity, and honesty to difficult topics.

Amber is best known for sharing respectful, authentic, and no-nonsense training, strategies, and content. Her delivery is rich with simple tools, impactful steps, and eye-opening insights that inspire behavior change.

Amanda Miller Littlejohn?is a thought leadership brand strategist, executive coach, and writer. With a career spanning 15 years across journalism, public relations, and coaching she has been a pioneering voice on personal branding - teaching her students and clients across the globe to package their genius ideas, strategies, and services so they can contribute their most impactful work.?She works as?an executive coach and executive storyteller?helping senior leaders build powerful thought leadership platforms to increase their revenue, relevance, and recognition. Follow Agency Thought Partners for more on thought leadership, and Package Your Genius Academy for more on personal branding.

A lifelong writer, Amanda wrote the foreword to Say More About That.