How to maintain boundaries with persuasive relatives

It’s hard enough to deal with your inner insecurities, fears, and various changes during puberty and early adulthood. Then comes your peers, teachers and parents, siblings- their expectations, conflicts, and your ever-changing equations with them.

And then comes the relatives- especially the “distant” ones.

As Indians, we all have a very big relative gang who only rings us when it’s some holy occasion or our board results get published. We mostly meet them once or twice a year, or better yet, whenever someone marries or something bad happens to someone from our external family.

But still, they somehow hold the power to disrupt our inner peace, doubt our own choices, and inject the comparison with “Sharma Ji-ka beta” into our parents’ minds within a few seconds.

I talk about building a good relationship with yourself, building your self-esteem, making good career choices and communicating with your parents in my socials. But, it is also worth it to mention how to deal with the over-concerned “relatives” the right way.?

Oh, and also, those “nosy” neighbors who pass constant judgment on even your pet dog every now and then come under the bracket of this conversation too.

Your needs are important-

You first need to understand (yes, I say this a lot- because it’s important) that it’s your mental peace that is the most important. And you are in charge of deciding your future and your present. Your parents may be an active part in this but not all your “Paros-wali aunties”.?

So make the priorities right first.

Work on your confidence-

If you are not confident in your decision- everyone will have something to say to you.

Well. they might have an opinion nevertheless, but it won’t bother you that much if you are sure of your decisions and have that confidence in yourself. At least fake it at times.

Limit exposure-

If you find some people are making your inner energy especially down, and criticising you constantly- it’s maybe better to limit your access to them. You may not be able to cut your contact as a whole but refrain from spending much time in their direct contact.

Set boundaries-

You do not owe them to share your private details with them. So polish your confidence to prevent oversharing. And if they still ask you questions you do not want to answer- you can set boundaries by saying “I am not comfortable talking about this yet”, or “ I am not liking the tone you are using.”

The sweet spot of firm and kind-

You can be firm in your voice, and still be kind. There is a sweet spot and it needs a bit of confidence. Take your time to find it- it will help you maintain boundaries easily without offending anyone.

Prepare answers beforehand-

You know the most likely question they may ask you and which will catch you off guard. It might be about why you did not take science, or are not preparing for NEET, or are not going for higher studies, and so on. Prepare short and definitive answers for them beforehand.

Avoid/ walk away-

And remember, if you face an unusually discomforting situation or feel triggered, you can always walk away. Even in your family gathering. Walking away with an excuse is much better than feeling judged or remembering a past trauma.

Have personal goals and motivations-

Have your own goals and motivations. This is the most important factor.

You are not going on in your life based on “log kya kahenge.” You should never be. It’s your life. You should be rational, working really hard for your goals, but the goals should be something You can resonate with. Do not change it for someone you wouldn’t ask advice from.

Tip: Discuss in a neutral time with “I” statements -

“I” statements show more confidence and less ambiguity. So you may try saying phrases like “I decided to..”, ”I really like..” etc.

Your relatives and neighbors do not want anything bad for you. But they do not always have the full picture of your life and even do not have enough information about the world- so their innocent concern might be totally relevant to your circumstances.

And of course, it’s our subconscious nature to “measure up’ whoever we are meeting. So they are also unknowingly judging you for your apparent success or failure.

It’s ingrained in our culture and mindset. You cannot change them in a day. But you can equip yourself for the situations from this article and go on with your life.

What is the most irritating question you get from your relatives and neighbors?