How Losing My Job Caused My Disability

I was just sitting down next to my son, watching cartoons, and scrolling through Facebook memories when I caught this piece I had written during the collapse of my career.

I was offered an incredible position, submitted my resignation to my current company, and things fell completely apart with the opportunity...

The emotional turmoil of the opportunity falling through caused a surplus of stress which, in turn, triggered my incurable condition which ended up eating away at my vision, hearing, ability to walk, and simple cognitive abilities.

Maybe this should stay on Facebook?

It's a little heavy for LinkedIn.

Let me know what you think.

***

How are you?

Numb.

I lay down to fall asleep and all I can do is stare at the ceiling, wishing I was someone else, somewhere else, surrounded by good luck and fortune…

I come back to reality when I hear the puppy gnawing on the remaining pair of decent boots I have left in the house that I’m going to need for future job interviews. I melt back into the bed and tears silently pour down my cheeks… waiting for my alarm to go off so I can get ready for one of my last days at work.

Dazed.

I go to work in a trance. I try to read my emails through eyes filled with tears hiding in my cubicle. I’m productive. I get more done than ever before in order to keep my mind occupied. Work is impressed and thankful for the strides I have made to enhance our department’s efficiency during my final weeks.

I run to the breakroom for a coffee and a coworker stops me to congratulate me on my “new job”. I smile, thank her, compliment her on her outfit and tell her I’m going to miss her when I’m gone. She buys it and we part ways...

...the drive home is always an unpleasent dream. I tune into the rush-hour radio only to hear back-to-back advertisements telling me to buy a new car, try a new weight loss clinic or drive thru Taco Bell for dinner. I think to myself, “must be nice”. I let the aggressive driver cut me off without using his signal. What do I care? I wave at him acknowledging his existence. I pull into the driveway and approach the house, hearing my husband through the front door discipline our new puppy for going to the bathroom on the dining room floor again.

I pet my dogs as they greet me with tails wagging… probably the highlight of my day. I give my son a kiss on the cheeks as he yells "MAMA!" and I give my husband a hug as he asks, “how was your day”. I tell him it was 'productive', I take my shoes off and he disappears to go smoke a cigarette in our garage filled with garbage.

Frightened.

I look at the unread “Payment Overdue” notifications in my email on my phone. I realize I haven’t made a payment on my car this month… or last month. I know they will take it away, but then how will I get to job interviews? How will I take my son to and from his grandma’s house? The credit card has almost reached the max and there aren’t any other options. Did the internet just go out? Did that get paid? When’s the last time we paid our utility bill? Don’t think about that, Chantel… those are his bills. Let him deal with it. Don’t micromanage.

Just then my son tosses his entire dinner on the floor for the dogs. I let out a silent sob as we have nothing else to feed him. I tell him it was naughty to throw the food and that he’s “all done”. He cries because he wants to play and has an empty stomach… I cry because I can’t play… I have to clean the house, wash the dishes, do another load of laundry to wash the only professional clothes I haven’t yet sold and clean up the dog pee on the floor from the disobedient puppy we purchased to fill the empty space in our hearts…

Betrayed.

After I’ve put my son to bed, it’s quiet. All I can do is think about everything all at once with a million emotions pulsating through my veins…

I’m disgusted that I trusted a company that offered me a dream job, just to take it away before I even started. Don’t they realize I have a family, bills and obligations? I gave my four week notice (which is way more notice than most people provide) and now I’m out of a job. So much for trust…

I’m repulsed that my husband hasn’t been able to secure unemployment benefits for the past three months for one reason or another. Why won’t they help us? Can’t they see his position is dependent on the weather? Securing unemployment through the winter is the only way these seasonal skilled-trades retain employees… how are we different? WHY CAN’T WE RECEIVE BENEFITS LIKE EVERYONE ELSE?!

I yell at him and tell him to get a job… but this isn’t me. I’m NOT a monster and I shouldn’t yell at him. I shouldn’t demand support. He does enough for us by trying to be a good father. I hate what these emotions are turning me into.

I’m furious that I had to work mornings, days, nights and weekends holding two jobs in order to supplement for his lack of income. Missing some of the first few months of my son’s life… the first giggle, his first words, his first time trying peanut butter… but I will do everything I can for my family.

I look through my emails finding rejection letters for being over-qualified (seriously though, how is this a thing?) or under-qualified... as I start to feel my heart sink into my stomach, I'm reminded of all of my strengths... I remind myself of everything I have overcome...

Surviving.

I don’t care what it takes, I refuse to fail. I survived slivers the size of toothpicks under my fingernails without shedding a tear. I survived a long labor, followed by a detrimental delivery and extensive surgery without pain medication. I survived cysts the size of softballs on my ovaries. I survived painstaking trauma as a young girl that sucked up any remaining chance I had at a "normal" life. I’m a survivor. I can survive this.

Moving Forward.

I think about how Cinderella found her happy ending after losing everything she had ever known and loved… So what if it takes three part-time jobs in order to build back to what I had? I will march forward, chin up, smile on and make it happen… because that’s what I do. I create my future by doing absolutely everything in my power to make it how I want and I refuse to fail. I will survive. I will flourish and I will find success.

My phone chimes… it’s a friend of mine, asking me how I’m doing. I send a smiley face and tell her I’m fantastic. How are you?