How to lose customers and alienate installers

Have you ever thought to yourself, “business is going a little too well, how can I burn it all to the ground?” ??Well, my friend, you’re not alone.? But for those who lack the natural talent for complete and utter self-sabotage, fear not – even you can sink to the depths of underachievement with a little guidance.

Lucky for you, I’m here to help. In this comprehensive guide, I’ll show you the exact steps to alienate your contractors, drive away your customers, and make sure your shop never has to deal with that pesky thing called “repeat business” again.

Who am I to teach you such dark arts? I’ve been perfecting the craft of ruining my own life for years. But in the twilight of my self-destruction, I’ve found the spirit of generosity. So, gather around as I regale you with tales of failure and fortune, so you too can become a true master of mismanagement.

?

Step 1: Embrace A Chaotic Workspace

Drop whatever you’re holding right now, step over it, and never go back.? Now do that repeatedly until you’re up to your elbows in fucking trash.? I’m talking vinyl scraps, crusty food wrappers, tools scattered everywhere, jobs half-completed and abandoned.? Is that a car mirror?? Didn’t you lose that a few months ago?? Oh, you found it under the table?? You’re living the dream.? Make sure your customers feel like they’re wandering into a hoarder’s garage, or a crime scene.

To really set the mood, crank up the music. Preferably something that rattles the windows. Who needs quiet professionalism when you can turn your shop into a high-decibel nightmare? Customers trying to talk to you over the music? Perfect.? You’re not here to talk, you’re here to exist.

Extra points if you permanently park your non-functional shitbox in the corner and decorate the floor with razor blades.? And make sure that your unhygienic staff, if you have any left, look defeated and confused, or like they’re reeling from last’s night’s impromptu mid-week staff party.

Oh yes, the chaos is real, you glorious trash panda.

?

Step 2: Skip the Prep and Blame the Customer for Their Ignorance

Preparation is overrated.? Why waste your precious time walking the customer through the process when it was their idea in the first place?? After all, this is an established trade and everyone knows that glue lines and stretch marks are a signature feature of car wrapping.? If they didn’t know, that’s their problem.? And if they did, just politely ask how many cars they’re wrapped and move on.

Ever wrapped a car with a failing clear coat?? Me too.? Except I made the rookie mistake of informing the customer about the risks in advance. ?But I’ve learned from my mistake.? In hindsight, I realise I didn’t need to explain my job or make reasonable suggestions about the wrap’s longevity.? Why risk scaring them off?? There’s money on the table, know your priorities.

And warranties?? Care instructions?? That’s just extra paperwork. Go bore somebody else.? They have Google, they’ll figure it out.

?

Step 3: Bag the Competition Instead of Improving Yourself

Why bother with self-improvement when you can just trash every other shop in town? Developing your skills takes effort, but slandering your competitors? That’s easy, and let’s face it, the customer won’t know any better. The moment they walk in, you should be all over them with negativity like a fly on shit. Tell them how your competition uses cheap materials and cuts corners, or, if you really want to build rapport, sprinkle in some unsavoury rumours about their private lives.

This works even better when you are the full embodiment of these traits.? When others use cheap materials and cut corners, it’s disgraceful.? But when you do it?? That’s genius.? Doesn’t anyone know that you’re running a business here? Do they have any idea how hard it is to juggle multiple quotes from suppliers for the same 2-meter order?? Not to mention the labour-intensive exercise of crowing over your staff, hips splayed, as they work frantically to escape your warm, creepy breath.? This is business excellence at its finest.

Oh, and don’t get lost in the irony that while you’re busy tearing down the competition, you’re also trying to poach their staff, the very same people you claimed are worthless, with promises that you neither have the intention or ability to fulfil. ?Sure, everybody hates you, but that’s the price of greatness.

?

Step 4: Prioritise Price Over Service - Rush Everything!

You should always measure your shop’s success by its activity, not its results. ?Forget about sustainable, high-margin clients who value professionalism, let’s fill the shop with rock-bottom near-cost commercial wraps and chrome deletes.? Activity is king, after all. And if you can’t get the work, why not undermine the market’s pricing so no one else can either?

You don’t have time to waste on creating a comfortable workspace, perfecting customer service, or building long-term marketing strategies.? You ought to be cramming your business card into random mailboxes and harassing every unfortunate walk-in with a hard sell.? And while you’re creepily blocking their exit, remember to acquiesce to your customer’s price expectations in ears distance of your already-demoralised staff.

As you rush through this, remember there’s no time to degas your prints - you didn’t budget for that luxury. And don’t worry about properly dismantling the vehicle; the customer knows it’s "just a sticker," and a little paint showing isn’t the end of the world. Quality surface cleaners? Too expensive. But I’m sure there’s an old tin of spirits in the back somewhere.

Speed is everything, and it takes courage to cut corners (literally). And when that wrap inevitably fails, just ghost the customer. If they leave a bad review, spit out some all-caps incoherent reply so everyone knows how little you care.? That way, you can move on quickly to the next vict- uh, customer.

?

Step 5: Forget Aftercare - Once It’s Wrapped, It’s Not Your Problem

Aftercare? Never heard of it. Once that car rolls out of your shop, your job is done. Don’t bother telling the customer how to care for their wrap. Why should they know about avoiding high-pressure washes, parking in the sun, or that using abrasive cleaners can permanently blemish the wrap?? You don’t have time for amateurs.

Worried about that failing quarter panel? Please. Your quote was so low it barely covered materials and labour, let alone service. You’re cutting costs so close you’re practically working for free. Who has the luxury of service margins when you can barely afford rent and utilities? That’s the spice of life, and you should savour the thrill of living on the edge.

And don’t even think about downloading those readily available care sheets and service documents online.? Why feed into this bloated bureaucratic nonsense?? Once that car leaves, it’s their problem, not yours.

?

Remember, You’re the Boss, So the Customer Must Be the Problem

You’re so poorly misunderstood.? These wage slaves just don’t get what it’s like to hustle day in and day out - 4 hours a day - just to enjoy the long weekend … every weekend. What do you get for your trouble?? Your installers have moved on, your contractor has abandoned you, and your customers … well, what customers?

Oh, you think this is defeat? My friend, this is your magnum opus. Why blame yourself when you can blame the weather, your suppliers, or the customer whose paintwork you gouged with a boxcutter? Didn’t they know Mercury is in retrograde?

After all, you didn’t come this far just to start taking responsibility now, did you?

?