How To Lose An Argument

In forty years of clinical practice one of the most challenging parts of my practice is couples counseling.?A common complaint is, “We seem to have a communication problem.” ?I ask, “Well, what happens when you try to communicate?” The frequent answer is, “We end up arguing.”?I can never resist the next question, “Does anyone ever win the argument?” Inevitably the answer is, “No.”

So why do they bother to argue? Because both of them want to be heard.?Both are speaking. No one is listening. Each tries to convince the other to accept their point of view, their reality.?Both fail.?Each blames the other.?Sound familiar?

This article will explain what effective communication is and how it is achieved.?Effective communication is not about winning arguments; it’s about listening, understanding, and empathizing.

What is Communication?

In the context of a committed relationship, “communication” is the art of getting on the same page as your partner, of seeing something from their prospective, of understanding what it’s like to be them.?It is not a tactic by which you persuade your partner to take your position, to see something from your point of view, or to feel as you do.?That is the definition of an argument.

The primary reason that couples have ?“communication problems” is that they actually are trying to argue and not communicate. So, the first question to ask yourself is, “Am I trying to explain something about myself, or am I trying to change something about my partner?”?In reality, you may be doing both, but you will not accomplish either if you don’t communicate. The key to effective communication is listening.?If nothing is heard nothing is accomplished.

Listening

Therapists are, or should be, experts at listening, but you don’t have to be a therapist to learn this important skill. It’s not rocket science. It is much easier for therapists to listen because they are not emotionally involved with their clients. They have no agenda. It is easy for them to be objective.?They also have lots of practice.?

In couples counseling, clients often feel relieved that they are “understood” by the therapist.?They may ask their partner, “Why couldn’t you hear what I was trying to say?” The answer often is because they weren’t listening. There are four parts to effective listening that promote communication: reflection, understanding the experience, validation, and understanding ambivalence.?As you will see, you don’t have to be therapist to be a good listener.

Reflection

Reflections involves listening to what is being said, paying close attention to the sequence of events, and hearing the feelings experienced by the person speaking. Read that sentence again.?Got it?

By reflecting back the details and the sequence of events it shows that you are listening.?It also confirms that you heard what was said correctly.?It also establishes a common understanding.?You are on your way to communicating.

It is easy to misunderstand someone.?They may have used the wrong words, or you may have assumed something incorrectly. By reflecting you also demonstrate that you are interested in what is being said.?Be sure to also reflect back the feelings that are attached to the reported events.?It is also important to resist advice giving or the temptation to “fix” a reported problem.?The first step in active listening is to communication that the speaker has been accurately and completely “heard.”

Understanding the Experience

Active listening involves more than events and facts.?It involves emotions and feelings. So, as an event is explained a useful question is, “How did you experience that [event or situation]?” Or “What was that like for you?” Here you are getting deeper into the communication process by learning more about the impact of the event or situation.

Avoid the often-asked question, “How did that make you feel?”?Many people have difficulty putting a feeling into words directly.?Also, the suggestion that something “made” you feel a certain way is leading, and also suggests the need for an expectation.?The more open-ended, “What was it like?” or “How did you experience that?” is more appropriate.

Validation

People want acceptance. We all have feelings.?They may not be correct.?They may not be functional, but they are valid.?Validating someone’s feelings does not mean you agree with them. It simply means you accept the emotions and feelings recounted by them.?That we validate them. Therefore, saying something like, “That makes sense to me,” or “I see why you would feel that way,” is appropriate and useful.

In a committed relationship, it is tempting to dispute, rather than validate, feelings that seem threatening.?For example, if your partner says, “When you did that, I felt like you were mean and didn’t love me.”?It might be tempting to say, “Well, you know I’m not mean and I love you.” The more useful answer is, “I can see how you might feel that way in that situation.”?It’s called validation.

Understand the Ambivalence

Life involves many choices, many forks in the road, many opportunities to be ambivalent. We don’t get into committed relationships because we expect our partners to solve our problems, or to know all the solutions.?We choose to share our lives, not surrender them.

When your partner expresses ambivalence over a decision to be made, don’t be an advice giver. Instead, help them to understand the pros and cons of the situation. Ask about their fears, their uncertainties, the possible benefits. Be a friend, not an advisor.

Above all, resist saying, “If I were you I would do [whatever].”?This is a fundamentally useless statement.?The fact is that if you were anyone else you would do exactly what they would do.?You are you, not them.?Be respectful and supportive.

Final Thought

The key to understanding someone else is to hear their experiences and feelings.?Strive to empathize, to walk a mile in their shoes. This is the key to a successful relationship. You can’t win an argument by understanding your partner's position, you can only win their love and respect.

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