How to Look People in the Eyes and the Benefits of Making Eye?Contact

16 ways to do it more often without feeling overwhelmed.

First impressions matter and eye contact plays a vital?role.

Good eye contact shows you’re engaged, confident, and trustworthy. It’s a subtle, non-verbal cue influencing how others experience you whether they’re meeting you for the first time or sitting with you in another meeting. Making and maintaining eye contact is a big deal, so they say…

But why is it so hard?

According to a recent survey from Intelligent.com, more than half of employers notice that new college graduates often struggle to make eye contact, and they interpret this as a lack of confidence or nervousness.

Yikes.

But I want to be careful not to jump to conclusions.

I’m here to tell you that while eye contact is important, it’s not always as simple as telling someone to “look you in the eyes”. For many, maintaining eye contact isn’t just a matter of willpower.

Some people find maintaining eye contact challenging due to anxiety, psychological conditions, or other factors. It doesn’t necessarily mean they’re unconfident, untrustworthy, or disengaged; it could be a sign that they’re deeply thinking about their responses or managing other internal battles. It could simply be the way their brain works when they’re concentrating. And they’re certainly not less capable because of it.

Where do you fall on this spectrum?

Is it easy for you to maintain eye contact, or is it a struggle?

To those who would love nothing more than to make that perfect eye contact but find it challenging, I see you. Pun intended hehe. It’s okay to struggle with this, and I want to share a few ways I’ve learned to look people in the eyes more often without feeling overwhelmed.

Why even care????

That’s a fair question.

I think about it like this?—?People “experience” you daily. They form a perception bias towards you based on the sum of your actions and interactions. When you make eye contact with someone, they perceive you as interested and present with them.

Eye contact helps bridge what an employer reads about you on your resume, to the full experience of the whole “you”. It helps build and strengthen connections in ways words can’t. People trust and feel comfortable with someone who looks them in the eye.

Before a word leaves your mouth, eye contact can set the stage for a great conversation.

Eye contact is a trust builder and confidence booster. It helps you establish your presence in a room. There are countless benefits to strengthening emotional bonds, establishing credibility, helping your memory retention, promoting inclusivity in conversation, and more.

“There is a saying, ‘Eyes are the windows to the soul.’ It means, mostly, people can see through someone else by eye contact in seven seconds. I have a habit that if I meet someone I don’t know, I’d like to look at her or his eyes on purpose. When my eyes lay on them, I can immediately see their true color.” ~Peng Liyuan

Eye contact aids in conflict resolution and picking up on non-verbal cues. Eye contact can help defuse tension and show you’re open to dialogue. It can demonstrate that you’re willing to listen and work towards a resolution, rather than avoiding the issue.

If you want to get even more geeky about it, there are neuroscientific benefits too. From our infancy, humans are hardwired to respond to eye contact. It’s been shown to trigger brain regions involved in social cognition and emotional regulation. You enhance your ability to connect more fully and communicate effectively through eye contact.

Those are fairly compelling reasons to care about eye contact. But where do we begin if we want to get better?

Start small.

Start small.????

Many feel anxious about maintaining eye contact, including yours truly, so you’re not alone. Eyes wander, we look away, we search for safety and comfort of anything but looking them in the eyes. So, let’s start by finding situations where you feel most comfortable, safe, and supported. Begin at a gradual pace. Don’t go from zero to a hundred overnight. Progress might be slow, and that’s okay.

I don’t know where your starting place is, but be kind to yourself as you begin.

1. Practice with a?mirror:

Spend a few minutes each day making eye contact with yourself in the mirror. It sounds odd, but it helps build confidence, especially if there are deep-rooted conversations you need to have with yourself. ??

2. Create visual reminders:

Place a small sticky note or a dot near your webcam during virtual meetings to remind you to look up and make eye contact. Draw a small mark on your hand as a reminder for in-person conversations.

3. Practice in low-stakes situations:

Try making eye contact with friends or family first. It’s way less pressure and helps you build up your comfort level.

4. Don’t forget to?blink:

Sometimes, the anxiety of maintaining eye contact can make you forget to blink, making the situation more uncomfortable for both of you. Blink!

5. Practice with?pets:

If human interaction feels too daunting, start with your pet. Look into your pet’s eyes when you talk to them. This can be a comforting and low-pressure way to get used to the sensation of making eye contact.

Gradually increase. ??

As your confidence grows, gradually increase your efforts through dedicated time and situational opportunities.

6. Look at the bridge of the?nose:

If direct eye contact feels too intense, look at the bridge of the person’s nose or eyebrows. It gives the illusion of eye contact without the intensity and it works.

7. Use the 50/70?rule:

Aim for eye contact 50% of the time when speaking and 70% when listening. This way, you strike a balance between confidence and comfort.

8. Focus on one?eye:

When both eyes are too much, pick one eye to focus on. It feels less daunting.

9. The 3-second challenge:

See if you can keep/maintain eye contact with someone for 3 seconds without looking away; challenge yourself to do this once daily. Count them in your head if it helps. “One, two, three.” Then breathe, and look away.

10. Practice in public?places:

Try making brief eye contact with strangers in coffee shops or grocery stores. It’s low stakes and good practice. Look them in the eyes, say “Hello” with a smile, then look away.

Techniques for continuous improvement. ??

Keep adding to your repertoire of eye-contact hacks. I’ve come up with many over the years. See if any of these resonate, implement them, and try ones that work the best for you.

11. Use pauses?wisely:

Don’t be afraid of “awkward eye silence”. It’s okay to pause from eye contact and look away. Break eye contact briefly to think or gather your thoughts, then return to it as soon as you’re comfortable. Plus, if all you did was stare at someone without breaking your gaze, that could be super creepy! ??

12. Record yourself:

Practice your presentations by recording them. Watching the playback helps you spot where you can improve your eye contact.

13. Object counting:

Use a mental trick when talking to someone, like counting objects in the background to distract yourself from the pressure of eye contact. For instance, count the number of books on a shelf while maintaining eye contact intermittently. This keeps your mind occupied and reduces anxiety.

14. Join a group or take a?class:

Groups like Toastmasters are great for practicing public speaking and eye contact in a supportive environment.

15. Seek coaching/mentoring or?therapy:

Sometimes a coach can provide personalized strategies and feedback. It’s a bit of an investment but can be exponentially effective. And let’s not discount the wonderful benefits of talking to a therapist!

16. Manage?anxiety:

Deep breathing or mindfulness exercises can help you stay calm in social situations. Try it before a meeting, interview, or presentation. I use the 4–7–8 breathing technique before starting anything stressful!

Eye contact?—?simple in theory, yet complex in practice.

There’s no finish line where you suddenly become an eye contact expert. Find what works for you, in your own time, and be patient with yourself. Eye contact is a skill you can develop and strengthen gradually.

Huda Kattan says, “The eyes are so telling. That’s how you engage with people and bond with them. I love direct, strong eye contact.”

Smile, breathe, and start with the easy wins.

Eye contact will help you in interviews. It will change the way you network with people. You’ll feel different when you give presentations. I’m willing to bet your relationships will improve overall through better eye contact. It’s a soft skill (a life skill really) that subtly shifts how others experience you for the better. It will help you develop qualities employers seek and that friends and loved ones deeply appreciate.

Remember, the person you’re making eye contact with is just as human as you are. ??

Thanks for reading!

This story was originally published on Medium by Mike Curtis.