How long are you happy, or… why so short?

INTRO

Hah! What a seemingly simple question, and how perverse at the same time! Why perverse? Well, the fact is that most of us cannot tell... if we are happy at all. During individual and group classes I often ask this question directly. The reaction is mostly embarrassment and frantic searching through memory to somehow answer that. Does this mean that streets are full of unhappy people? Of course not. For me it means that a vast majority of us has not defined what happiness is in the process of self-reflection. Yes, it needs to be defined by each of us individually. There is no definition good for all human beings, sorry for that. Moreover, the definition needs to be precise enough to:

- Give a specific YES/NO answer (instead of I guess so, kinda, I sorta think, I might be; what do you think, George...?)

- Ask yourself another question, what to do to be able to say YES if the first answer was NO... Or, what to do to consciously cultivate the state of YES ?

Without answering what happiness means to me and what is it intended to mean in everyday life, we’re chasing a shadow. This pursuit is doomed right from the start and we are heading towards frustration and nervous fidgeting. How can we reach the place of destination, if it does not have a name? We’re going and going and going but it’s still I guess so, kinda, I sorta think, I might be... We notoriously confuse happiness for a 24/7 ecstasy. We tend to think more of an euphoria rather than happiness. And it is difficult to be in a constant state of euphoria, as it usually leads straight to a looney bin or a rehab facility...

Well, how to define happiness is a topic for another post. I have some thoughts I’d be happy to share one day, but now let's get back to the main question - how long are we happy?

SO HOW LONG, THEN?

People get used to everything. Most often we can observe that phenomenon, with certain admiration, in the context of fortitude against calamities. In literature it is a case of Robinson Crusoe or The Mysterious Island (a beloved book of my childhood). In real life they are more tragic, as they are true fates of men in the times of war or living in the shadow of disasters. Meanwhile, this phenomenon also applies to the other end of the scale, which is happiness. We quickly get used to the good condition, which only yesterday was recognized as a great time, a dream come true, a source of motivation and energy booster. This state is often achieved after a sudden and persistent improvement in our situation. This may be a desired, or even an unexpected promotion, a fantastic job offer, a significantly larger apartment, a new car, a considerable pay rise, a wedding, etc. Initially, we are experiencing a state of euphoria (very short, as... see above: the looney bin), then the state of happiness (we are having a great time), then satisfaction (already getting colder...) until after "some time" we start taking it for granted; for something that is always there, like cat food in its bowl. So we go back to square one on the scale of satisfaction / motivation and something feels odd. We start looking around...

I can almost hear you now, nodding "Well OK, it’s all very interesting, but tell me Darek, in the end, how long does it last?!". Here’s your answer - 2 YEARS (approximately and statistically, of course). This calculation does not come from a self-help book, a motivational guru, influencer or a life coach (as today almost every aspect of life requires specialized coaching, even eating beet salad). This number comes from regularly conducted scientific and market research, including analysis of employee involvement. Prof. Sonja Lyubomirsky beautifully defines it as hedonic adaptation (or stagnation of happiness). No matter many times the studies have been conducted, they always show us reset after approx. 2 years in any given case. What about employee engagement research? Well, let's take a look at a chart recently published by Aon Hewitt. Again, it’s 2 years and ... boom! from 74% down to 52%, to stabilize from then.

Well, one more example, a third one already. Whom do we consider to be a job-jumper? A person, who changes jobs regularly… every 2 years. So the desire to change reappears in such intervals (unless he is just so bad that he gets fired every 2 years, but that's another story). No matter how we look at it, it’s always two years. It may not be a law of physics, but this repetitiveness is quite significant. Because once we know what is happening to us, it becomes easier to manage instead of nervously and unconsciously indulge our impulses. Remember I guess so, kinda, I sorta think, I might be...?

WHAT TO DO?

So, what do we do about it? How now, brown cow?

Scenario 1:  every 2-3 years a new wife/husband, new apartment, new car etc., to stay high all the time?? If only life was that simple! We do have an opportunity to observe so many people, who follow this path - celebrities, sports people, nouveau riche (not all of them, of course)... and both their fates and studies show that they are not happier because of it, in the long run. So, the “high all the time” path does not necessarily work. Even if you look at rock stars, statistically they eventually at some point grow roots (let me repeat for statistical reasons - not all of them, of course :-).

Scenario 2: we have known it, fortunately, for over two thousand years. Following Epicurus is good to distinguish needs from desires and live optimistically with what meets the needs. We can already ask the right questions that everyone can (and should) find their individual answers. I mean self-reflection, of course, and the question of the so-called "good life" (by Aristotle, not money!). If it sounds too philosophical to someone, I'll give a simple example. If I have a smartphone, which is enough for me, why would I need its latest model, which instead of 25 functions that I do not use I will have 45. And by the way - what is the common period of subscription in mobile services and phone providers (at least here, in Poland)? Oh... 2 YEARS, what a coincidence :-))? And what is the common period for a car lease? Three years, isn’t it? How coincidental with our state of satisfaction and rapidly growing readiness for something new...

I surely cannot compare myself to Epicurus and Aristotle (they had longer beards), but I can at least contribute to adapting their teachings in today's world. Let me remind you of my post with the metaphor of "building the cathedral / carving / earning" (you can click it, here’s the link :-). It is nothing but a path of transition from the euphoria through good life to frustration and a need of change. In addition to the natural phase of "let’s build the cathedral!” let us learn to appreciate and even celebrate the calmer, but still very creative phase of "carving". Especially when we have walked the earth for some years now, and we have already fought many battles and built a cathedral or two.

TO SUM UP

A note to more impulsive readers - this is not a post discouraging you to strive for development. "For without goals, Dariusz, we would still be living in trees." Development in the situation of deficiency and progress resulting from intellectual cognitive passion is one thing (what happens if I go down the tree?); a constant rush to increase consumption, although its current level meets our needs is another (I have already eaten fruits from with twelve branches, but what the hell, I'll eat more of the thirteenth one... and then I will definitely fall off the tree). I recommend Monty Python’s skit, of course, called Mr. Creosote, the full 6 minute version. Only for people with strong bowels (!!). My wife hates that skit...