How Long It Took Me To Feel Normal At Work After Having A Baby

When I gave birth to my daughter Maya in 2011, I barely had time to master the details of the nursing regimen I had embarked on -- much less master my identity as a working mother. I’d given birth nine weeks early because I suffered from preeclampsia, and was forced to make trips to the NICU at all hours of the day and night to see Maya.

However, in my first week back in the office, I immediately knew something was different. Sure, the culture at my startup tech company was inherently different from that of traditional corporate America, but still, something was off. It was business as usual for my colleagues, and my team was happy to have their manager return. However, I felt on display in my open-plan office and continually feared that breast milk was leaking through my bra.

That wasn't all: There were those C-section stitches I worried might pop, and the real possibility that I would fall asleep at my desk from sheer exhaustion. I cried on the car rides to the office, missing my newborn daughter, feeling guilty for a preeclampsia diagnosis I couldn’t control, and fearing I’d lose my two-pound, fifteen-ounce baby.

In a desperate attempt to understand my situation and explain my emotions, I typed my feelings and experiences into Google:

“How long does it take to feel normal at work after having a baby?”

And I quickly found I wasn’t alone: Lots of conversation threads from moms in multiple industries detailed feelings and experiences similar to mine. Furthermore, I discovered society’s view of me had changed: not only was there a chance I’d experience a “motherhood penalty” in my career, but some of my colleagues might consider me less productive than my counterparts who didn’t have children.

I got pissed off by what I read about working moms online. Yes I was tired, lonely, and anxious, but I was still productive, resourceful and innovative. My professional skills didn’t disappear with my belly bump. After a few months of trying to accommodate the schedules of people who hadn’t just brought another life into the world, I decided since I was in a leadership role and could drive transformational change, I would. Anything less would be wasting my seat at the table.

Within the organization, I challenged my team and our home office to start thinking about how working parents might perceive our company culture: Not only did we work late on weeknights and host weekend events but we frequently attended three-hour “happy hours." The overall effect was hardly what I'd call family-friendly. As an alternative, I encouraged my team and our home office to think of additional ways we could operate efficiently and inclusively. For example, millennial parents network differently than do their peers within organizations; and considering that might help us retain talent.

I didn’t expect the company to change overnight into an organization as advanced as, say, Deloitte (which offers working mothers flexible work schedules, sabbaticals, and an annual “well-being subsidy” for massages and meditation). But it's a safe assumption that my company hadn’t even considered maternal facts like breastfed babies are statistically healthier, which for their mothers means less time away from the office. Regardless, we needed to change as a company. We needed to remain competitive, to attract productive, hard-working millennial talent.

We needed to move the needle. And I was using my voice to help us do it.

Being a mother started changing me as a consumer-marketer, too; I began thinking about our company’s business model. I championed targeting a new consumer segment and revenue stream: millennial families. And I led discussions with leadership on the topic and spearheaded the market and consumer research needed to develop insights -- insights about how companies are leaving money on the table by not targeting consumers who are also parents.

I expected to return to work the same marketing professional as when I left, but the truth was I’d never be the same woman again. I would never be “normal”- I’d extraordinarily brought life into the world.

It was my initial experience as a working mom that unexpectedly led me to the catalyst for my current work. I now dedicate my spare time to advocating for working moms. I’m a writer, speaker, and consultant to brands on hiring millennial moms. And in this context, I created the country’s first free mommy and me professional development event, Mompreneur and Me. I also advocate with groups such as 2020 Mom and Mom Congress. U.S. Sen. Kamala Harris, D-Calif., even reached out to me for support in her advocacy of the Maternal Care Act.

The truth is, working mom- you’ll never feel “normal” at work after having a baby. Because in many cases, you’re the only one on the team who understands what it means to work a full-time job and have a baby.

Motherhood didn’t hurt my career. It helped it. And I think you should be defined by motherhood. It shows leadership ability. For your personal brand, it validates your patience and problem-solving skills. You ARE willing to take on new opportunities. You ARE willing to assess the situation and look at all possible solutions. That is motherhood on a daily basis! We are constantly approached by these little people, who are our internal stakeholders. We have to think of all of the possible outcomes to please these stakeholders and set them up for success. The skills you acquire as a mother are undoubtedly transferable, and you are not an inferior team member.

Your perspective has changed for the better. You’re the only one who understands what it means to be responsible for most, if not all, of the household chores and receive less pay than your male counterparts in the office. You’re the minority, and that’s not something for you to feel defeated by. As the minority in the workplace, it’s your responsibility to open doors for other women in the future- those who might not even know if they want to have a baby yet- making sure they don’t have to pray, hope and wait for your company to move the needle.

As a writer, I love to hear from working moms, especially those who need my help in advocating for themselves in the workplace. Please connect with me on LinkedIn, Twitter, Facebook and Instagram, and visit my website to learn how I can support mothers within your organization.