How long is too long to grieve?

by Hayley Solich, Educator at The Grief Centre of WA

Have you ever had a friend who lost someone dear to them? What did you observe?

Initially, the community may have rallied around them, providing practical supports or a shoulder to cry on. Their grief was embraced, accepted and supported. In fact, you probably were part of that community and you probably cried alongside them.

I remember attending the funeral of a friend's 18-year-old son who I had watched grow up. He had died tragically in a car accident. Although I knew him, I would not say that we had a close relationship. So, I didn't anticipate that when I walked into the memorial service, and I saw his smiling face on a big screen that I would dissolve into gut wrenching sobs.

But after the service, I got back to my life. My friend, however, had lost her son. She was not going to be able to just get back to her life like many of us who attended. Nor was her husband able to and all I could do was sit back and watch their marriage disintegrate.

But as time passed and they were still deeply sad, too often the experience of the bereaved person is that the community recedes and even those closest and dearest withdraw because they don't know how to help and are uncomfortable around difficult emotions.

And as the years roll on and they are still posting about their loss and it is now into the double digits, people often are thinking when is that friend ever going to get over it?

They want their friend to be who they were before the loss, but that is impossible. They will never be that person again, because grief changes us.

I remember sitting with my friend on one of my visits and intentionally talking about her grief and her son and her thanking me because other people avoided the topic because they didn't want to set her off. I was able to sit with her, to let her cry her tears and to cry a few of my own with her, and this was before I worked in the grief space. Because I am a mother, and I was able to imagine how I might feel if that was me who lost my child.

Eventually, that friend moved away to start a fresh life so she wouldn't be the woman who lost her son in tragic circumstances, as that had become her identity. And it begs the question how do we as a community support someone who has lost someone significant in their life, so they don't have to change their whole life to be able to cope with their loss? And how long is too long to grieve? How long is too long as a community to provide support?

And why is it that we are clueless when it comes to honouring another's pain and loss? Why are we so avoidant and unaccepting of the lifelong implications of loss?

I would love to hear your thoughts on this topic. Let's start a community conversation.