how to listen : Words are the ingredients and sentences their recipe

Notice how it is said

Over many years, retired police sergeant Kevin Briggs was typically the first responder on his motorcycle when someone was considering jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco. I was intrigued by how he listens to people in this state of mind, when the cost is immense.

I’m speaking to so many people—I’m thinking to myself, “How would I want someone to approach me?”

I’m thinking, “Is this individual is scared?”

This could be his last day on earth: frightened, scared, or under the influence of alcohol or drugs. We don’t know.

When I’m first walking up, I don’t know what encounters they have had with law enforcement before, good or bad. I’m in this uniform, but instead of saying, “Hey, I’m Kevin Richard Briggs with the highway patrol,” and walking right up on that thing, I’m coming in peace. I don’t want to scare them.

“Can we have a conversation, just you and me?”

“I’m here for you. I don’t want to see you get hurt.”

He was feeling me out a bit. He didn’t want to talk. Most people don’t really want to talk right at the start.

?But you keep going with them and show that you care, and you have empathy: “Hey, what’s going on?”

?Eventually, he started talking and he could see that I was interested. And I’m giving him my full attention. And that’s exactly what I did. I will turn off my radio. I need to be focused.

?The whole world is in this little circle right here.

?This is what’s important.

He finally started trusting me, a little more, a little more, a little more, a little more. And he would tell me more as he continued.

And I could see he started using more adjectives and describing things more. He was relaxing just a little bit.

It took quite a long time before he actually started to care a little bit and then hold on to that rail now and again.?

Especially when we started talking about his child—that was a big one for him, as it would be for anyone, and it should be.

So as this progressed, I could see he was breaking down some, and sometimes that can go either way.?

Briggs notices the increasing use of adjectives as a signal—a signpost of increasing trust. The speaker was open to the possibility of a living future and described what led them to this moment on the edge of the bridge.

?

Briggs is listening simultaneously to himself, the words, and how those words were being expressed.

He can decode what is said and notice that the adjectives are the clues. Adjectives are describing words. This helps you understand both what and how they explain their thinking. It helps them describe what it means for them.

Speech and language offer a palette of colors. Colors have range, intensity, and vibrance. They can blend to form subtle and nuanced variations. They can also be black and white.

This is true for a conversation. You can be speaking in blue, they can be speaking in red, and the dialogue blends the two colors, forming purple.

Like color, language has patterns, opposites, and combinations. When listening to the word patterns, you gain insight into how the speaker uses vocabulary to make sense of their world. Their speech pattern is how they translate the world into their unique words, sentences, and stories.

In the next three weeks we will explore these patterns

• Language: the syntax of the dialogue—adjectives and pronouns
• Preferences: the way they portray their history and ideas
• Time: their relationship to the past, present, and future

This is an excerpt from the upcoming book - how to listen - discover the hidden key to better communication.