How to listen

Hi there,

Recently, I noticed a little glitch in the human operating system.

It happens when we’re trying to support someone – a friend, a partner...or a team member.

The more concerned we are, the harder it is to do the thing they actually need us to do: listen.

The more we care, the more we want to find a solution. We start thinking about what we can say or do to make it better. We become fixated on OUR role in THEIR problem.

But often they don’t need us to do a thing. All they need is a little demonstration of empathy: to know that they’ve been heard, understood…and witnessed.

And all that asks of us is to be engaged with what they’re saying. Nothing else.

Easier said than done though, eh? Especially at work - when we’re primed to be task-oriented and solution-focused.

But here's a little trick to help you overcome this glitch: imagine you have a toggle that could flip you from solution-mode to active-listening mode.

Active listening is a coaching technique. It involves paying full attention; showing that you are tuned into what the other person is saying. It’s a powerful way to build trust and foster better connections.

So, if you want to build great relationships at work – and better support your colleagues – make sure you know how to switch that toggle.

Here are a few tips that might help...

1. Create a solution vault.

When you’re in the middle of a conversation and a solution pops into your head, just imagine placing it in a vault and move your focus back to what your colleague is saying. This way, you aren’t shunning that problem-solving instinct completely. You’re just waiting until you’ve really heard everything before you even think about cracking it out.

2. Pay attention to cues – both yours and theirs.

Have you ever thought about what you look and sound like when you’re listening to someone? Try and tune into it next time you're engaged in a conversation. Notice the cues you use…and use that as a template every time you want to find that same engagement.

Cues here are mainly non-verbal. Things like head-nodding and subtle noises of affirmation. You can also play back what the person has told you to check you have understood correctly.

And what about their non-verbal cues? The way they are sitting, a subtle sigh before they start to speak. These are all clues about how they are really feeling and can give you great insight before moving to step 3.

3. If you really have to speak, ask great questions.

There is so much power in a good question. Ask open-ended questions like:

• What do you need right now?
• What would really help here?
• What would you say to me in this situation?

Questions like this show the other person that you are listening, that you are willing to sit with their discomfort and that you are there to support them to work it out.

Moving from solution-mode to active-listening mode can be tricky. That pesky solution-mode always finds its way back to default. And seems to get stuck there, the more we care about the outcome.

But maybe it’s not a glitch after all. Just a default setting we need to be aware of.

So, here's a final reflection for you – how will you know when you need an active-listening mode reset?

Bye for now,

Erin

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