How To Listen

Oscar Trimboli (2022).?How to listen: Discover the hidden key to better communication.?Page Two: Canada

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4-5?leaders … who got the best … from others … What they had in common was their ability to profoundly and deeply listen … their superpower was their ability to listen beyond the words

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5?Western society is biased toward heroic and charismatic speakers … there is a prejudice for the speaking leader to be noticed over the listening leader … It is possible to balance speaking and listening to create powerful and influential communicators

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7?Listening is the first skill you learned in your mother’s womb, at the age of thirty-two weeks

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7?Listening is a skill, a strategy, and a practice – a way to balance how you communicate … All you have to do is focus on being better than you were in your last conversation

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8?shared characteristics of world-class listeners are curiosity, flexibility, and openness

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8-9?In the last decade, I have extensively researched listening through independent research to understand what gets in the way of people’s listening … listening barriers and behaviors … This book is written from the perspective of a neurotypical reader [listener?]

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10?There are Five Levels of Listening … Yourself … Content … Context … Unsaid … Meaning

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11?Listening is a contact sport … Listening requires practice with others if you want to make progress

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11?James Clear, author of … Atomic Habits: “You don’t rise to the level of your goals; you fall to the level of your systems.”

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12, 17?Listening is the willingness to have your mind changed

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17?severe acute respiratory syndrome coronavirus 2 (SARS-COV-2), which causes COVID-19

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17?notice whether you tend to listen for what’s similar or what’s different

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17?your ability to deeply listen impacts your relationships and your professional reputation

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18?the cost of not listening is measured in lost customers, ignored employees, unsuccessful products and services, and unsustained profits … never achieving the changes they want … They increasingly become irrelevant institutions

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20?When asked how they would rate themselves as a listener compared to others in their workplace, 74.8 percent of respondents considered themselves either above or well above average … we each think we are much better listeners than other people are … six times better … we think we are better at listening than others perceive us to be

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22?125, 400, and 900

·???????Talking speed: 125 words per minute

·???????Listening speed: 400 words per minute

·???????Thinking speed: 900 words per minute

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23?After reading this book, you will listen in a lighter and more focused way

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23?The more senior you are in an organization, the more your listening matters

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26?If you are a parent … Your responsibility is to be a great listening role model

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26?the aim is not to become a perfect listener: it’s to improve on your last conversation

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32?Aimless and arbitrary questions waste the speaker’s time and diminish the relationship

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33?our divided attention is one of the first barriers to listening

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33?When a professional orchestra prepares for their performance, they tune their instruments every time … Tuning is a sign of discipline, self-respect, and mutual respect

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35?Switching electronic devices to silent before a discussion commenced made the most significant listening improvement for 86 percent of participants

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35?If you are in … a situation where you can’t switch your phone to silent … announce to the others at the beginning of the conversation that you are … expecting a call

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37-39?pause … for three minutes … This exercise is not a mindfulness meditation; it’s designed to surface all of the thoughts that your subconscious is processing before you listen to someone else … If the conversation matters and has consequences, commit to tuning and preparing before each conversation

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42?Internal distractions are inevitable.?Rather than reacting, create a reset strategy to return your attention to the present

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45?When you anticipate external distractions, their impact is minimized … When you start to listen with your entire body, the conversation becomes lighter, simpler, and relaxed for you and the speaker

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45-46?The practice of preparing to listen is the process of pausing, becoming present, and regulating the role of your ego … Your ego and empathy are two sides of the same coin

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47?Bringing awareness to your breath will improve your listening

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47?There are seven books in the Chinese Tao dedicated to breathing

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48?[James] Nestor provided three tips for taking control of your breath:

1??????Breathe slowly.

2??????Breathe through the nose.

3??????Breathe less than you think you need to

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48?Navy Seals use box breathing to achieve focus … inhale to a count of four, hold for a count of four, exhale for a count of four, and hold for a count of four

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49?In 2015, Google created a process: when a meeting had six or more people scheduled to attend, it began with a very short pause.?Attendees were invited to switch off their devices and notice where their attention was and where they wanted their attention to be during the meeting … this process was one of the most referenced and productive initiatives mentioned by employees

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50?listening is difficult to sustain within these environments without leadership and agreed communications protocols

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52?Use the technology, don’t let the technology use you

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52?When you relax and just listen, you hear with more clarity and precision, for you and for them

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58-59?[Hedy] Lamarr … and … George Antheil develop a machine … for “frequency hopping.” … the foundational technology that would become integrated into sonar buoys dropped from aircraft to track submarines, and, eventually, into wi-fi and Bluetooth technologies.

????Imagine what Hedy Lamarr could have invented if people had taken the time to fully listen to her ideas

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59-60?August 2005 … Raghuram Rajan … one of the only two people to predict the global financial crisis of 2008 … At the same time … Michael Burry is reaching similar conclusions

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62?You default to listening for similarities because your mind is a pattern-matching machine

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64?[John] Corrigan … modern education systems train students to a default mode of listening for the familiar.?It isn’t natural for adults to listen for the difference … you have two orientations: similar and different.?Neither is correct – be flexible enough in your listening to notice which one is the most productive for the discussion or decision you need to make

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66?Listening for similarities is most obvious when you notice groupthink … Modern political organizations are a showcase of taking groupthink to its logical conclusion … In one-on-one discussions, listening for similarities in an unproductive way shows up most when you are listening with sympathy rather than empathy

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67?Brené Brown … “… Sympathy is I feel bad for you.?Empathy is I feel with you.”

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68?Consistently exploring similarities and differences throughout the discussion is a sign of effective listening

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70?Only once the common purpose for the group has been established can the leader and the group effectively understand where they will discover their differences

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73?each of us can improve our listening one conversation at a time

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77?Noticing and adjusting the position of your attention during a discussion is a crucial foundation stone to increase your listening capacity

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77-78?When you try to stop your distractions, you give those distractions power and energy.?Rather than stop them, learn to dance more skillfully with them

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78?the difference between paying and giving attention

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80?When you pay attention … It makes listening feel like a task or a chore … Giving attention is most appropriate in emerging or evolving or emergency situations … Consequently, it is much easier to pause and be patient … It is impossible to give your complete and undivided attention to 100 percent of people and conversations 100 percent of the time

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81?Stefan van der Stigchel … multi-tasking is possible for routine tasks like listening to music while driving the car or washing the dishes.?Multi-tasking is not possible while listening to someone else … listening is a complex task that consumes working memory

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84?your brain is wired for distraction when listening

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87?Uri Hasson … the listener influences the speaker

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94?Percussionists play many instruments, including timpani, xylophone, cymbals, triangle, snare drum, bass drum, tambourine, maracas, gongs, chimes, celesta, and the piano

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96?When listening for the speaker’s content, there are three discrete and integrated elements: hear, see, and sense

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97?When people speak, they typically communicate in two distinct ways – stories or statistics

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101?Mismatched preferences between the speaker’s style and yours will accelerate how quickly you drift away

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103?paraphrasing is reflection, not interpretation

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105?We have evolved as a species to communicate with sight and sound aligned

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106?Unlike other primate family members, humans have white in their eyes

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106?to make an emotional connection, the ideal amount of eye contact is between 60 percent and 70 percent.?Direct eye contact held for more than ten seconds at a time is unnerving for the person you are talking to … In some cultures, holding extended eye contact with the speaker … may be perceived as a symbol of disrespect

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108?dopamine and serotonin and oxytocin get released when we look into somebody’s eyes

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109?don’t pace

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109?It’s critical to be at eye level

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110?keep your eyes in the triangle from their eyes to their chin

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110?Paul Ekman … seven universal facial expressions: anger, contempt, disgust, fear, happiness, sadness, and surprise … Notice the disconnect between what they say and how their face looks

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112?Susan Constantine … The research shows that people are as accurate as flipping a coin when it comes to reading body language

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115?two people listening to the identical words can create completely different meaning based on their experience, education, culture, and profession

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115?emotion is present in everything a human says and does

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115?Avoid labeling the emotions of the speaker

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120?[Marc Brackett] Everyone should be a curious emotion scientist as opposed to a critical emotion judge.?And the emotion scientist is in learning mode, not in knower mode.?The emotion scientist is open, not closed; curious, not critical

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124?the value of note-taking is as a shared document, which creates common understanding … ensure that the notes are shared or summarized … approximately 80 percent of the way through the meeting – not at the end

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130?in video conferences … choose … the “speaker” view

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135?explore the backstory

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147?the world’s longest river.?The Amazon is 4,000 miles long and has over 1,100 tributaries

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148?When it comes to the backstory it is always better to err on the side of going too far back rather than not enough, or not at all

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152?Paradoxically, the act of asking the speaker to rewind the story isn’t designed for the listener …

1??????What was that like for you?

2??????What did that feel like for you?

3??????What were you thinking about at that moment?

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155?The cost of not listening to the backstory is wasted human potential

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166?Language … does not exist in isolation

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166?As the listener, you need to be aware of the adjective and pronoun patterns of the speaker

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174?Speaking patterns are unique.?When you notice how people speak … When you recognize the pattern, listening becomes lighter and more straightforward

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190?Listening for their unsaid is the most potent form of listening

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202?English-speaking cultures have a confusing relationship with silence … In ancient and Eastern cultures, silence is a foundational part of communication

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206?themes are often best summarized by participants who haven’t spoken.?

·???????“Could you summarize the themes?”

·???????“Which themes or perspectives remain unexplored?”

·???????“From the perspective of the customers, suppliers, or regulators, which themes require more discussion?”

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216?a simple exercise in groups of two or three … reflect on a workplace issue … Each participant … takes turns speaking for five minutes about the issue … the listeners … must listen in silence for three minutes … Between the three-minute mark and the five-minute completion, the listener can only say, “Tell me more”

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220?SILENT and LISTEN share identical letters

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239?Dashi is broth distilled to the essence of the original ingredients … Dashi is the essence of the meal

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241?Jennifer MacLaughlin is a deaf interpreter using sign language

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242?MacLaughlin makes a great distinction between words and meaning

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246?Details without meaning drain the energy of the listeners

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249?When you listen for meaning, opposing ideas and views can coexist and cooperate

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251?3 is half of 8, 4 is half of 8, and 0 is half of 8

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259-260?When you bring a mindset of being open to having your mind changed, the seeds of listening will flourish