How to let go of your shame in 2024!

It’s a weird kind of shame men feel, its internalised and if it is spoken about it isn’t done so outside of a private setting.?

As men we hold this idea of what a “real man” should be. This isn’t just the stereotype but rather it’s a collection of ideas from our parents, teachers and role models and we hold this a subconscious idea.?

The thing with manhood is, as most blokes will tell you, is that it can feel like something that needs to be renewed on a daily basis, almost this false idea that you have a man card that someone could take away at any point. For women I have spoken with, although there are inherent difficulties in being a woman, it isn’t often their being a woman is threatened.

So the subconscious ideal of man could be: A man works hard, a man never feels emotion, a man earns money, a man is confident, a man looks a certain way, a man doesn’t enjoy certain things etc etc.?

The unique guilt and shame come from when we are not hitting an ideal (which is often, after all, it is an ideal). Men I work with report feeling massive shame, almost invalid and this is where toxic behaviour creeps in: Drinking too much, affairs, womanising, overeating, fighting/aggression or any self-destructive behaviour all in an attempt to renew that man card. This is when the worst behaviours show themselves.?

This is the fragility of man, that the second someone or ourselves challenge or suggests that our idea of what a man is is wrong, we freak out, usually with aggression or belittlement, because our subconscious finds it terrifying, that if we are not meeting our man impossible man targets then we risk the card being taken away and we are kicked out of our tribe.?

Thus we end up with a bunch of decent people living with a constant state of wrongness and what’s worse, they can’t discuss that state because it’s universally understood that blokes don’t talk about it. It is a bit like Fight Club.?

If you’re reading this as a man, it likely triggers something in you, honestly when I type it it does in me too, but that is why it needs addressing.?

Being a man is inherent in you, it doesn’t need to be earned.?

Sit with that notion, imagine the peace and calm you can feel if you really absorb that.?

If this blog made you uncomfortable then good, I would suggest you are holding some unchallenged beliefs that are creating needless pain within you.?

If so drop me a DM we should chat, at no cost, let’s just see where you are at.?

If that is a step too far, spend time over the next few days looking at what triggers your self-destructive behaviours, in my experience, it will all stem from a challenge to our ideal and our reactions to that.?

There is a change to be created for the man that wants to do it. That wants to live without that daily guilt, shame and wrongness.?

The card is yours to keep my friend.?

Sending love,?

Cheers

Phil

P.S. IF YOU WANT GUIDANCE IN DROPPING YOUR FEAR AND SHAME AND LIVING EVERY DAY CONFIDENT IN THE MAN, FATHER AND HUSBAND YOU ARE THERE ARE A FEW WAYS I CAN HELP.?

1. BECOME A 1:1 CLIENT - I work with a select few powerful men 1:1, we focus solely on their unique situations and dig out any limiting beliefs that are holding them back from getting what they want. I currently only have one space on my roster so if this interests you please reach out soon.?
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