How To Leave Your Job ... The Right Way — Leading With EQ Newsletter #10

As many of the folks close to me know, I’m stepping aside from Buildium/RealPage. At this point, I’ve shared the news dozens of times with colleagues, bosses, and friends — and slowly, it’s starting to feel real. I’ve loved my experience here, but it’s time for a break, and to take an opportunity to spend more time with family.?

This newsletter has been such a powerful outlet for me to share learnings and insights on leading with emotional intelligence. I thought it was only fitting to take the chance now to reflect on not just how to lead with EQ… but how to leave with EQ.?

I’m not the only one who did a little career soul-searching during the pandemic. I think many of us right now are recalibrating in the wake of such a turbulent time that put work, family, and self into perspective.?

I like to think about that trifecta as a three-legged stool: if any one of those components are off balance, you’re going to start to feel wobbly. And over the past few months, I started to notice some wobbling in that three-legged stool.

My energy levels were low; I wasn’t able to juggle as many balls at once. I felt like those human moments of joy that I love so much about business were fewer and farther between. I had to dig deeper to bring forward the same energy I usually have.

When we started talking about going back into the office, I had a bit of a light-bulb moment: a part of me had some hesitancy about going back. And I’m grateful I could be honest and self-aware enough to notice that something was up.?

Yes, we all have our bad days (or weeks), but I was starting to feel outside of my normal spectrum. And having spent so much time over the course of the pandemic hammering home the value of work-life balance and the importance of checking in and being vulnerable, it was easy to recognize the early stages of burnout in myself. I was pushing values on my team about balance that I just wasn’t following myself. I realized it was time for me to not just talk the talk, but walk the walk.

Of course, deciding to leave is just one part of the equation. Doing it with grace and empathy is another. There was also, to be honest, a little bit of guilt to contend with: though I had a personal need to manage the three parts of my three-legged stool, I was conflicted with my feelings around my responsibility towards my friends and colleagues at work — that "personnel burden" that many leaders feel.

I don’t know if I’ve always done this perfectly, but here are a few key practices that I’ve been embracing to make an exit as smooth and fair (and even fulfilling) as possible.

To be clear, these are personal observations about my situation — a leader who’s stepping away from a role, and fortunate to have the optionality to do so. But I hope that some of these insights can be useful more broadly to those transitioning out of roles.?

Know what you’re running to, rather than running from

Before I ever opened my mouth to let my team know I was leaving, it was important that I understood for myself exactly why I was leaving … and where I was going from there. Beyond the gut feeling of “it’s time to go,” I knew I had to take a beat to process, identify and internalize my reasons to ensure I was running to something, not from something.

It might seem like semantics, but this allows you to sustain honesty and transparency with your team (and yourself) in the challenging transitional period ahead. If you’re running from something, tension and anxiety can trickle into your attitude and your workplace. But if you’re leaving to pursue a personal goal or cause that you're clear about? That’s a different story.

I wanted to be with my family, full stop. And so I couldn’t leave with something vague like “I’m leaving to pursue other opportunities …” The team would see through that in five seconds. You owe it to them (and yourself!) to be straight and vulnerable.

Have the hard conversations early and often

I think one key to an effective goodbye is that it shouldn’t come out of thin air, or leave people with more questions than answers. That said, there’s no doubt a level of strategy and planning is required — and it’s never easy.??

I gave my notice about a month ago now, and shared the news with various levels of colleagues, teams and collaborators as soon as I could. But even before that, my boss and I had been talking — for quite some time, actually — about how I was feeling and what my next career and life goals were. That made delivering the news to him less of a shock for both of us. I’m grateful he’s always been able to listen — and guide — without judgement.

Beyond that, telling a few small groups at a time was helpful. This enabled having conversations about my motivations and people’s feelings and concerns on a personal level. There are going to be questions when someone quits, there’s no doubt: Were you fired? Are others leaving? What happens to our department? These questions are going to be happening and as an empathetic and genuine leader, it's imperative that you answer what you can openly and honestly.

Provide community continuity?

OK. There’s another big reality with any exit. Your leaving impacts more than you. Leaving with EQ means ensuring that continuity and a support system are in place, not merely for the company but for the people around you.

Some of this is just table stakes: ensuring folks know whom to report to, reassuring them that their contributions are valued and the company will continue to thrive in your absence.?

But this can be more: This is also a chance to make your leaving an “opportunity” for other people, versus, “Bad news, I’m out.” Will the torch be passed? Is this a moment for future leaders to step up and shine? Done with care, your exit could be an evolution and a great growth opportunity for your team, not an end.?

I was lucky to be able to share a plan on whom everyone could turn to next. Knowing everyone was taken care of, and that we’d thought about the team’s feelings and success, enabled us to relieve some anxiety and let us all focus on saying goodbyes as human beings.?

I’m looking forward to spending more time with my family and reassessing my career goals in the months ahead. But I also want to be clear that I’m sad to go. I’m leaving Buildium feeling so grateful for the experience and what I’ve learned here, and for the incredible team I’ve had the pleasure and privilege of working alongside all these years. These lessons wouldn’t have been possible without a team that believed in EQ, too. These 4.5 years made me a better leader and gave me life lessons that have made me a better human, too.

The biggest learning? That EQ isn’t optional. Empathy and compassion aren’t just nice-to-haves but foundational qualities of a leader that people want to work with. Whatever leadership opportunity arises next, I know I’ll be carrying that forward with me.?

Thanks so much to everyone who's been reading and supporting this newsletter and pushing the discussion on emotional intelligence at work forward. This theme is an important one to me, and I'll continue the conversation in the months ahead.