How to learn how to live without elite sport in your life

"Everyone will find their own unique way of doing this; but if it’s not a bit messy you are generally not doing it right.”

When I talk to athletes about how tough it is when they first lose their sporting career, I recognise that their language and the emotions are almost identical to anyone suffering from the heartache of a romantic breakup.

There are many parallels between these two scenarios starting with the fact that you had no control of the ending, and you probably didn’t see it coming when it did. When you have passionately invested all your physical and emotional energy into this one thing, the raw feelings of utter devastation and loss will consume you in such a debilitating way that you sometimes wonder how you will get through the day.

To start with you are constantly obsessed with imagining the life you now can’t have, full of success and moments of celebration and achievement. Sometimes you fantasise that it’s not over, this is all a bad dream, and you will be reunited with your love. You desperately want what you used to have, and this will be the first thing on your mind when you wake up for a long time.

Being forced to disconnect from the thing you love hurts like hell. You feel rejected, unwanted, useless, misunderstood, disorientated, hard done to maybe. You hate yourself for failing or you feel like a failure. You are desperate to feel safe and secure again, to be back on your familiar path. Instead, you feel out of control, lacking in focus and confused.

So why is it useful to make this comparison?

Because the way to recover from the loss of your sporting career is the way you heal from the heartbreak of losing a relationship. And if you understand this, it’s just easier.

What you are feeling is grief; in just the same way as you would if you were mourning the death of someone you loved. All the intense emotion is a natural and healthy response to what you are going through. The emotion will come in unpredictable waves, but the only way to get out the other side is to face it and feel it. Your life will not begin again properly until you grieve for what you have lost.

Giving yourself space to process is the most important thing.

Everything about sport is intertwined in your nervous system, along with all your old routines and rituals. You will be fighting a really strong impulse to stay connected with what you have lost; but the learning is to recognise you are feeling this, and understand why, so you do not follow those impulses. You have to unlearn your life with sport and relearn how to live without it, which is an enormous challenge. It will take time to process this reality.

I’ve been listening to ‘The Mel Robbins Podcast’ and she talks about ‘The 30 day rule’ when a romantic relationship ends. This means no contact at all with that person. No scrolling or posting on social media, looking at photos or messaging as these actions trigger all the old, ingrained patterns in your nervous system which force you to look backwards to keep the past alive rather than move forwards. I would initially offer the same advice to athletes; alongside switching up your home environment and thinking carefully about where and with who you invest your time and energy.

Healing and processing will not be a constant upwards trajectory of improvement.

There will be good days, there will be days when you slip backwards. That’s normal too. But when you finally accept the future that you dreamt of isn’t going to happen, when you stop behaving as if your relationship with elite sport still exists, then you are ready to move on.

Anger, jealousy and resentment will hold you hostage to a relationship that is over.

It’s like going back to the partner that dumped you and making them tell you again that it’s over. Somehow you have to process the emotions, feel them, understand them, but then put them down so you can begin to let go of the past.

Your close friends and family are going to try and ‘fix you’.

This is because it is uncomfortable for them to stand by your side and watch you suffer. Maybe it brings tough stuff up for them or they just love you so much but they don’t have the words or the tools in their tool box to help right now.

Don’t be fooled by the people who tell you to move on immediately.

They want to distract you with stuff to make you feel better to fast track through your pain. This is not a useful tool right now. (Later down the line maybe.) ?If you don’t face the trauma, if you choose to ignore or bury the feelings, then there is every likelihood they will resurface and badly impact your physical and mental health in the future alongside your relationships with other people.

Tell your ?friends and family what you need.

You might want to be quiet; you might need to talk over the same thing multiple times, you might need to sob, rant or rave. All this is good. It does not need to be suppressed.

There is hope for everyone.

All the research suggests it takes a good 3 months to begin to heal from a broken heart; but you will get better. Athletes can move on too. However painful the loss is now, on the other side is a wiser more complete version of you, with a whole new chapter waiting to unfold. Every single ending is also a beginning, and this is exciting and full of opportunity.

This article is an extract from my course ‘From Devastation to Elation’ - ?A survival guide for athletes in crisis. As a trauma survivor myself and as a mother to an ex-professional athlete I offer 1-1 coaching and video tutorials to support athletes when they are at rock bottom.