How Leaders Can Break Free from People-Pleasing and Build Authentic Connections

In leadership, we often talk about taking charge, setting boundaries, and making tough decisions. Yet, even seasoned leaders can find themselves playing out old patterns of people-pleasing. Maybe it’s the desire to be liked, the instinct to avoid conflict, or the tendency to put others’ comfort over our own needs… Regardless, if you’re a leader who feels the constant pull to keep the peace, avoid conflict, or prioritise others' needs over your own, it may be time to explore how these tendencies impact your leadership style.

The fawn response, or people-pleasing, is a learned behaviour that can be hard to recognise but has significant effects on a team’s culture, motivation, and overall resilience. People-pleasing might sound benign, and is actually often celebrated - who doesn’t want to be agreeable and supportive? But when it leads to inconsistent boundaries, lack of authentic communication, inadvertent self-harm and burnout, it starts to undermine both individual and team effectiveness.

As a leader, recognising and understanding your own tendencies to people-please is essential for creating a workplace culture rooted in honesty, resilience, and trust. In this article, we’ll explore how people-pleasing shows up in leadership, why it matters, and most importantly, what you can do to build healthier, more authentic connections in your team.

What is the Fawn Response, and Why Should Leaders Pay Attention?

People-pleasing, or the fawn response, often stems from a survival mechanism where keeping others happy feels essential to our safety and acceptance. In the workplace, this can manifest in various ways:

• Difficulty saying no: You may take on additional projects or responsibilities, not because they align with your role or goals, but to avoid disappointing someone.
• Over-apologising: Even when an issue isn’t your fault, you find yourself saying “sorry” to smooth things over and make others comfortable.
• Avoiding conflict: You may sidestep difficult conversations or hold back on giving critical feedback to avoid discomfort or potential fallout.
• Putting others’ needs first: You prioritise the needs and opinions of others over your own, which can lead to a lack of boundaries, burnout, and resentment over time.

These tendencies aren’t always obvious, but over time, they can erode trust, impact morale, and hinder a team’s ability to function effectively. When leaders consistently people-please, they may unintentionally signal to their team that people’s comfort is more important than growth, honesty, or accountability.

Why People-Pleasing Can Be Costly in Leadership

For leaders and managers, people-pleasing can have a ripple effect, impacting team culture, personal energy levels, and overall morale. Here are a few specific ways people-pleasing can get in the way:

1.Blurred Boundaries

When leaders over-commit or say “yes” to everything, it sends the message that boundaries are optional. Your team might begin to expect instant responses, weekend emails, personal counsel, or after-hours availability, leading to a blurred line between professional and personal time.

2. Ineffective Feedback

Constructive feedback is essential for team growth, but people-pleasing leaders often avoid it to sidestep discomfort. Without honest feedback, team members are left without direction, which stunts their professional growth and impacts overall team performance.

3. Inconsistent Decision-Making

People-pleasing can lead to prioritising others’ preferences over sound judgement, which can result in inconsistent or unclear decision-making. This unpredictability can lead to confusion, lack of direction, and even resentment within the team.

4. Leader Burnout

When leaders sacrifice their needs to accommodate others, burnout isn’t far behind. Burnt-out leaders lack the energy and focus needed to guide their team effectively, which, in turn, can decrease morale and productivity within the group.

Practical Steps to Break Free from People-Pleasing as a Leader

Recognising people-pleasing tendencies in your leadership style is the first step. The next step is implementing strategies that help you lead with authenticity and purpose, setting an example of balanced, honest leadership for your team.

1.Redefine Your Boundaries

Start by recognising situations where you tend to compromise your boundaries. Begin by saying “no” in small ways or setting limits on your availability. For instance, if a team member approaches you for something minor outside work hours, let them know you’ll address it during business hours. Small actions like these set the tone for what is acceptable and help your team understand and respect boundaries.

2. Use Assertive Communication

Practise communicating your needs and boundaries in a way that is both direct and respectful. Instead of saying, “I’ll try to get to that,” say, “I have other priorities to complete first, but I’ll address this tomorrow.” Clear, assertive language shows your team you’re not just there to keep everyone happy all the time, you’re also committed to fulfilling your own responsibilities effectively.

3. Reframe ‘No’ as a Positive Act

Saying “no” isn’t a rejection; it’s a commitment to your priorities and well-being. When faced with requests that don’t align with your current goals, you might say, “I’d love to help, but I need to stay focused on the priorities we’ve already set.” This approach reassures the team that your decisions are thoughtful and considered, not reactions based on fear of disappointment.

4. Create Space for Honest Dialogue

Establish a team culture where feedback and honest conversations are welcome, and model this openness yourself. Start by inviting feedback on your own performance and decisions, which builds trust and opens the door for genuine communication. When you demonstrate that honesty is valued over people-pleasing, your team will feel more empowered to share their thoughts and ideas without fear of retribution.

5. Shift from Approval to Purpose

Consider why you tend to people-please. Often, the need to keep others happy comes from a deeper desire for approval. Shift this focus toward your purpose as a leader, which might be providing direction, support, and creating an environment where your team can thrive. When your decisions are rooted in purpose, rather than a need to keep others happy, you’ll naturally become a more decisive and confident leader.

Scenarios and Practical Responses for Leaders

To help put these strategies into action, here are a few scenarios that illustrate how leaders can avoid people-pleasing and set healthy boundaries:

• When a team member asks you to take on additional work you can’t manage: Instead of saying, “I’ll see what I can do,” try: “I appreciate you trusting me with this, but I’m currently focused on [other priority]. I’d be happy to help you find other support for this task.”
• When you need to give constructive feedback but feel uncomfortable: Instead of softening or sidestepping the message, try: “I wanted to share some feedback that I think will help your development. Here’s what I’m seeing, and I’d love to support you in making progress here.”
• When a team member needs something outside of work hours that isn’t urgent: Instead of responding immediately, try: “I’ll be able to look into this first thing tomorrow. If there’s anything urgent in the future, please flag it as such, so I know to respond right away.”

Each of these responses demonstrates respect for both the team member’s needs and your own boundaries. Over time, practicing these types of communication will help you set the tone for a workplace culture that values respect, honesty, and balance.

Why Breaking Free from People-Pleasing is a Powerful Leadership Move

When leaders recognise and address people-pleasing tendencies, they’re not only enhancing their own effectiveness but also modelling a culture of respect and authenticity for their team. Leaders who step away from people-pleasing pave the way for a workplace that values boundaries, direct communication, and mutual respect.

Remember, the goal isn’t to become less empathetic but to balance empathy with self-respect. By understanding the fawn response and how it might influence your decisions, you can transform your leadership approach, build stronger relationships, and cultivate a more resilient team. Embracing authentic leadership ultimately frees you from the need to keep everyone happy and, instead, focuses on helping everyone thrive.

If you’re interested in exploring these concepts further, I invite you to join our Heart-Centred Healing Hub on Facebook, and consider enrolling in our Rise and Thrive program. Our goal is to equip you with the tools, resources, and insights on managing stress, setting boundaries, and building a healthier relationship with self-empowerment and leadership, which requires your own journey of self-development and holistic healing in mind, body and spirit.