How to Lead through Trust Breaches, Brakes & Betrayals

When trust has been breached, broken or betrayed, it can feel like everything is crumbling around you. As a leader, it's your responsibility to pick up the pieces and rebuild what was lost. But how do you do that? My intention here is to provide a thorough overview of the steps involved.

(The assumption in sharing the following guide is that there is still a desire to work together despite the breach of trust. If that is not the case, then this guidance may not be the best solution and it might be time to move on.)

One of the most frequently asked questions after a recent workshop on trust-building was: how do we restore faith and trust when there's been a breach, breakdown, or betrayal? We all know that trust can be shattered in an instant by making a mistake such as losing your temper and publicly snapping at someone, disclosing sensitive information, or getting caught in a lie. And it's not uncommon for it to be an erosion of confidence rather than outright distrust through everyday unintentional behaviors like interrupting people during meetings, always showing up late for obligations, and dismissing other people's suggestions.

Our brains can move into a hard-to-shake threat response when trust has been betrayed. Our core social needs of safety/security, belonging, competence, feeling valued, and fairness may feel threatened depending on the situation.?We respond by protecting ourselves, which often comes with strong emotional reactions.?When trust has been breached, first check in with yourself: are you feeling anger, betrayal, sadness or fear? If so, take some time to process these emotions before taking any further action. It's difficult to think clearly and rationally when we're in the midst of strong emotions.

Forgiveness is simple to suggest but not easy to do. You may need to consider forgiving someone else or the system you operate in. You can't erase what's happened, but you can intend to let it go at your own pace over time. Forgiveness is a gift we bestow on ourselves: we let go of the negativity and hurt we've accumulated as a result of what has occurred. That anguish and anger depletes our own vitality and resources, leaving us feeling drained and alone. You may need to forgive yourself before continuing if you are responsible for the breach of trust. This isn't excusing yourself; it's making plans to be and do better while accepting that you're a human who makes mistakes. You might also want to assist your team or others in healing and forgiving.

When it comes to rebuilding trust, slowing down and taking some time to process what happened is key. As a leader, you need this time to reflect and then come away with a clear plan to steer the team or relationship forward.

You've fastened your seatbelt, you've put on your own mask first, now here's some steps you can take:

#1 Ask for help

Asking for assistance is one of the most essential qualities I've seen in successful leaders. Find a mentor if you want experience (and someone who has successfully overcome comparable circumstances). Alternatively, if you want a thought partner with expertise in these discussions, look into hiring an Certified Coach who has a specialty in leadership development and conflict resolution skills. This is clearly a biased suggestion given my background.

There may be a lot to digest. You'll need to evaluate what's happened and become more aware of your actions objectively. You'll need to practice empathy by going into the murky waters of other people's experiences of you. Brutal bias and hard facts might emerge. And when you look at your staff, you'll want to find out whether any behaviors show a lack of trust, such as:

• ?Gossip
• A lack of feedback or new ideas being shared
• Declining quality of communication
• Crickets in meetings
• People not taking risks
• Avoidance of conflict
• People not holding each other accountable
• People not committing to actions
• People quitting

Asking for help will support you to acknowledge what has happened and take ownership over all that you can.

#2 Assess the damage

Use your mentor, Coach or confidante to do a reality-check on how bad it is. Reina and Reina (2007) have an excellent description of a betrayal continuum:

• Minor betrayals of trust that are unintentional: being late continually or snapping at someone in a moment of heightened emotion
• Minor betrayals of trust that are intentionally harmful such as gossiping or taking credit for another's work
• Major betrayals that are unintentional: an organizational restructuring that results in layoffs or a poorly executed change
• Intentional and major betrayals might be sabotaging data, leaking proprietary information, lying or taking actions that are purely self-serving and harm others

It helps to use a tool like this to assist you in determining how you, as well as your team, might feel about the opportunity to restore trust. You may have the team participate in assessing the damage, talks about mistakes that were made, and where things went wrong. What type of betrayal has our team faced? What kind of impact did it have on our team and ourselves?

(To clarify:?I'm not referring to large, intentional breaches of trust in these suggestions. The individual who has intentionally broken trust in a major way may ultimately be removed from the company according to legal and HR policies.)

?#3 Pick a trust framework to use in your conversations

Consider trust-building discussions like a TV season rather than a one-shot feature film. It's unrealistic to expect you or someone on your team to endure an emotional, weighty discussion for longer than an hour or ninety minutes maximum. Don't try to create trust all at once. You'll need to make small deposits into the reservoir of trust over time, conversation by conversation.

The good news is that regardless of who you ask, experts and people give similar answers when asked to describe what creates and destroys trust. Choose a framework and stick to it.

?I like the one we use at Precipice Development called the 6 C's (most frameworks oddly involve a theme of words that start with C). These include:

1. Courage
2. Connection
3. Clarity & Context
4. Curiosity & Create
5. Commitment
6. Celebrate

#4 Assess yourself

Now that you have a framework that resonates and feels comprehensive to you, assess yourself within the breach of trust.

• Which of the 6 C's have been broken or breached by me?
• How have I done in demonstrating the components of the framework since then?
• What can I do to enhance trust in the team or relationship?

#5 Prepare the other person or the team for the conversation briefly

• Acknowledge the team's loss.
• Validate that people may be experiencing strong emotions about trust on the team, including fear, anger, resentment, bewilderment, avoidance, and estrangement. Invite non-judgment about people's feelings.
• Lead with your goals: what do you want to happen during this conversation regarding regaining trust?
• Demonstrate vulnerability by taking responsibility for your errors or how you've allowed the broken trust to continue.
• Give them the trust framework, then allow time for them to reflect before getting into a more comprehensive discussion.

#6 Begin the fulsome discussion

Start by recognizing what occurred and accepting responsibility for what you can do differently. Share your vision for a fully trusting team. This might be done in a team meeting or perhaps in one-on-one sessions before proceeding to a full team gathering.

You may engage them in an assessment of what happened and take some time for people to voice their experiences. Discuss and agree upon a time limit for this part of the conversation.

• You might use the betrayal continuum as a template for this (step 2 above).
• Feelings may still need to surface.
• Make sure everyone has the opportunity to share but do not force them to do so.
• Convey your understanding of their perspectives without judgement.
• Share your experience of what happened with courage and vulnerability.

Reframe the experience:

• This is difficult learning and what have we learned?
• What is the new level of awareness we are at?
• Help people realize that we always have choices. What will we choose to do with this experience as a team going forward?

Invite others to use the trust framework to assess what opportunities the team has to rebuild trust and what they can do differently as individuals.

• Ensure that the focus is on which C they perceive as an opportunity to restore trust and what they will do differently, rather than on what others should do.

Create an agreement with clear actions for demonstrating trust in the future.

If you want to have the talk with the entire team and observe any of the aforementioned negative behaviours, prepare by hiring a Team Coach to assist you.

Give your team the same message. If anyone has strong residual emotions about what occurred, it's OK to seek assistance. Your company's employee benefits and HR department may be able to help you find outside help if you need it.

# 7 Be Patient

The road to trust (or back) will be difficult. You and your team will need to stay vigilant and schedule periodic checkups on the 6Cs as needed, especially when things go wrong. And they will go wrong, owing to human nature, you'll stray off course; but don't worry, it's normal because old habits are tough to break. Your goal is to rejoin people in the conversation as soon as possible. Practice instant forgiveness of yourself and others. The ability to instantly forgive ourselves ourselves is something I learned as an actor and is the topic of another article.

Going forward: Keep an eye on how you demonstrate the 6C's daily

Develop a system for monitoring and evaluating yourself, and seek out feedback from people who haven't been afraid to provide you tough criticism in the past.

?Be consistent: make sure your words and actions match. Make it very clear what is expected of you in the future. Hold people to the terms they've agreed to. It's essential that any of the negative behaviors (listed above) are not continued. If negative behaviors persist, be straightforward and kind about addressing them. Keep in mind how difficult it is for you to regain trust and have this conversation; show empathy for yourself as well as for others on your team who may be experiencing similar things.

As a leader, you must take responsibility for the chain of betrayal and reverse the harmful effects of broken trust, whether you are the direct cause or not. The cost of failing to restore trust is far too high.

My ideas and writings are inspired by the real, courageous experiences of leaders with whom I've worked. Although Coaching is strictly confidential, one of the great benefits of working with a Certified Coach is that they have a pulse on what other leaders, teams, and industries are going through. We're insatiably curious and ask questions instead of giving solutions, as well as provide broad perspectives and normalize; all of which allow us to be excellent thought partners.