How to lead through conflict

This article features a reference to Cinnie Noble who is a conflict management coach and conflict specialist.? Cinnie is the Founder of CINERGY Coaching, and she has kindly given me permission to share her model. See the last section for that.

Understanding conflict was a massive break-through for me. I had to work on this, because I wanted to help my clients benefit from handling conflict more effectively.? It was so revealing and helpful.

In order to understand conflict it is helpful to understand your own levels of assertiveness.?

What is conflict? Have you ever stopped to consider this?

What comes to mind when you hear that word?

·?????? Stress/emotion

·?????? Defensive behaviours (self and company profit/ presenters) if mistakes are made

·?????? Aggressive behaviours such as voices being raised, less polite language, abrupt tone/stern voice

Basically, when there is a conflict there is a disagreement, a perceived incompatibility of goals.

What are the components of conflict?

·?????? Disagreement

·?????? Wanting different outcomes

·?????? Aiming for a positive result a “win/win” – some people!

·?????? Fear of loss (financial)

·?????? Fear of loss of dignity

·?????? Fear of hurting someone’s feelings

·?????? Fear of getting hurt

·?????? Fear of rejection

·?????? Need to establish that both sides in the situation realise that there is a conflict going on

Often a component of conflict is about shifting blame.?

Conflict happens physically, externally and internally.

To sum up, there is a conflict when:

·?????? Both people know there is a disagreement

·?????? There is incompatibility of goals

·?????? There is emotion (mostly not in a good way)

·?????? It is felt that there is fault or blame

·?????? There is a physical internal and external reaction.

There are positives to a conflict which is helpful to remember.? In each conflict situation there is an enormous opportunity to learn and grow.

The fact is there will always be times when there is the potential for conflict.

Learning how to cope best in a situation with the potential for conflict is a great bit of skill to have in your tool kit.

It is an opportunity to test that we still hold our values strongly and are prepared to stand up for them.

We need to hold our values high, which means that we need to stand up for them when they are compromised.? This is why conflict feels challenging.? We have to step out of a comfort zone and move into the stretch zone.

Control – yes or no? We can’t control how someone will react.

Influence – yes or no? We can’t influence how someone responds

Accept/adapt - we do have to accept that conflict is a part of life.? We can learn how to cope with it. Can we adapt anything?

The reason it feels bad to be in a conflict situation is most probably down to not wanting to compromise our values and not wanting to hurt someone or to be hurt.?

The 4 box grid above in the main image helps to show the outcomes of a conflict situation when different levels of respect for oneself is compared to the levels of respect for other.

The most ideal outcome is when both parties in a conflict have high levels of awareness of self and other.

(Top right).

In Stephen Covey’s Seven habits of highly Effective People he dwells on this.? In fact, there is a whole chapter on it as it is habit number four.

The only real solution to a conflict is a win:win.? If anyone loses, then ultimately everyone loses.

A compromise is just a sticking plaster.??

If it is between option A or option B and you go with A – then all those attached to option A have to compromise.

Compromise comes back to bite you in the end.

Compromise gets stored up as resentment.? It festers in the back ground.

The same if but the other way round if you go with option B.? the A people fester.

So what can you do?

You have to agree on something!

So agree to keep talking!

You all have to work on finding an option C which makes everyone win.?

Everyone has a Conflict Pattern.

We all have our own one of these and it might not be the best it could be, until we decide to work on it and make it better. It’s a great bit of personal development to have achieved, especially if the pattern you have at the moment is not working!

This pattern depends on your

·?????? Personality

·?????? Culture

·?????? Upbringing

·?????? Education

·?????? Work history

You can’t change your past, but you can learn from it and use your experience to guide you towards looking at what is working for you and what is not.

In a conflict situation we may be guilty of suffering from the “story” of what has happened so far.

As human beings we are able to edit bits of memory to suit ourselves. We also delete bits, distort bits and embellish bits – it depends on what is at stake.? We all do this without realising it. Our perception is our reality, however there is often more than one way to perceive a situation.

It is important to learn how to choose how to feel.

A good technique to learn for managing a conflict situation is made up of stages:

Stage 1: Reaction: learn how to notice how you are reacting (notice how you feel, separate who you are from how you fee, then link back to what it is exactly that you are thinking to make you feel this way. )

Stage 2: Reflection: Think about how else you can think, what evidence there is – is it reliable? Is it possible to look at this another way?

Stage 3: Response: How do you choose to respond?? What is the best combination of assertive and co-operative you can offer? How high is your level of respect for yourself and for others?

Stage 4: Attention: What details have been missed, what have you noticed?? Notice how you are being.? Is it your best self?? What can you control? What can you influence? What can you accept?

Stage 5: Venting: Sometimes it is important to allow emotions to vent.? This can be you or the other person.? Do not attached to these feelings, or what you hear, but let them air/vent, and look for facts amongst the emotions.? Allow space for both sides to vent.

Stage 6: Repetition:? Both sides should be aware of repeating old patterns of conflict behaviour.? You can only be in charge of your own behaviour, but you might be able to notice someone else’s old pattern, if you know them well.?? Make sure you are not holding on to old conflict patterns, as they might not be helpful.

?I learnt about the following coaching framework from Cinnie Noble who is a conflict management coach and conflict specialist.? Cinnie is the Founder of CINERGY Coaching, and she has kindly given me permission to share her model with you. This model is based on conflict management, neuroscience and coaching principles and is specific to interpersonal disputes. That is, these are helpful steps to follow when focusing on a conflict with another person, considering the dynamic and how to move from upset to reset. This is a linear model that requires us to take time and methodical consideration of? each stage.

1.?????? Clarify your Goal.

In this first stage the question to answer is what action do we want to take regarding the dispute.

2.?????? Inquire About the Situation

In this step it’s important to recount what occurred between us and the other person and consider what’s most important to you.

3.?????? Name the Elements

This stage deconstructs the conflict requiring close reflection on not only what pattern we followed but also, what we noticed about what happened for the other person. This is aimed at developing a sense of as mutuality between us.? For instance, it’s a time to consider what started the conflict for both of us and the assumptions? we made about the other, the consequences we are experiencing and other elements that are having an impact on the relationship.

4.?????? Explore Choices

In this step we consider what choices we have to reach the goal previously stated (stage 1) now that we have broken down what occurred and given the situation more thought. It’s a time to reflect on what might work to achieve that objective considering what is possible for us and what might also work for the other person.

5.?????? Reconstruct the Situation

Now that there’s a plan in place this is when we figure out how to execute it considering the challenges, we might have in doing so. We may for instance, practice a conversation, or otherwise figure out what strategies will help make our goal a reality.

6.?????? Ground the challenges

This step is a time to consider what will get in the way of proceeding with the plan we worked out having gained clarity on it and how to proceed. Any further challenges we hadn’t contemplated and fears or other concerns that may preclude moving forward are addressed here.

7.?????? Yes to the? commitment

This final stage is requires us to be precise on when we are going to carry out our action – committing to the plan we considered. (Footnote here with reference to my two books below would be appreciated.)

The most significant area of conflict is usually within ourselves.

Here are three books to add to your list:

“Getting to Yes with Yourself (& Other Worthy opponents)” by William Ury.

It’s a great book for personal discovery and does help with confidence building too.?

Noble, Cinnie (2012) Conflict Management Coaching: The CINERGY Model https://cinergycoaching.com/conflict-management-coaching-cinergy-model/)

Noble, Cinnie (? 2014)???? Conflict Mastery; Questions to Guide You https://cinergycoaching.com/conflict-mastery-questions-guide/

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