How Language Determines Behavior

We don’t often think about how the language we use on a daily basis can determine the outcomes of our life, but the reality is that the language we use defines the behavior we exhibit. The idea of language determining behavior is a construct that has changed my life and impacted it in such a positive way, that I know if you take this concept and run with it, it will change the rest of your life as well.

The notion of language determining behavior comes from a book called Conscious Language by  Robert Tennyson Stevens. If you have not read this book yet, I encourage you to pick it up and start reading it. This book changed my life and remains one of the top five books I have read.

When we talk about language determining behavior, we don’t even realize how much the language we use can impact what we do. We talk and say things, not understanding the impact that they have on our subconscious and our actions. We don’t realize that every time we say something we are reinforcing or manifesting these very thoughts into our life.

You have to be aware of the words you say and the implications that they have. Once you become aware of the words you speak and the impact they have, no matter how big or how small that impact is, you will be able to control the language that you speak.

For example, when we say the word “but” we cancel out everything we said before that. For example, if I was to say, “I love you honey, but…” The moment I utter the word “but,” it immediately cancels out the “I love you.” Once I became aware of this, I tried to cancel the word “but” from my vocabulary, and now I very rarely use it. I want to make sure that the words I use, no matter the significance, have meaning when I say them.

Another example of words I try to be conscious of is “I could,” “I should,” and “just.” These are words that need to be eliminated from your vocabulary and replaced with empowering words like, “I can,” “I will,” and “I choose.” When you do this, you give your words meaning and power.

How Changing My Language Has Changed My Life

When we speak, we must be aware of the type of language that we are putting into the universe and what kind of language we are conveying to other people because what we put out into the universe, we are going to get back. This was something that was difficult for me to realize.

Five years ago I was a completely different person and not someone that I wish to be today. Back then I was manipulative and nasty. Everything I did was about me and what I could gain from other people. It was never about what I could give to others, but I made a shift in my life. I made a change in my mindset and my language, and things began to change in my life. The relationships that I have now have matured and gotten better than I thought they could be. This change happened because now I focus on how I can serve others and I incorporate that into my language. My approach now begins with, how can I understand? How can I listen more? How can I serve others?

I changed my approach to life and the relationships around me, and the people in my life have taken notice. My brother now comments on how different I have become, and he wants to know what I did to change from the person I once was to the person I am now. My mom and I are closer than ever, and she’s calling me more these days. When I speak with her, I make sure to find ways I can better lift her up so that she doesn’t have to deal with the challenges she faces or ways help her through some of her adversities.

Being conscious of the language I use not only has helped my relationships, but it has given me a new perspective on life. As I mentioned, what we put out into the universe we get back. The language that we use determines what we allow to manifest in our lives and if we are using the wrong language, we may not like the things that get back.

When we focus on the things we don’t want and talk about the things we don’t want, what do we get? We get the things that we don’t want. The things you don’t want are likely the things you have because that is what you’ve been manifesting into your life. This is one of the most significant shifts that I made, and it is what has helped me go from being the manipulative SOB that I once was to the person I am today where I am focused and determined to serve others. Now, I never say “I don’t want.” I drew a line in the sand, and I try my best to instead only speak of the things I want. If I want something, I say that I want it rather than focusing on the everything that I don’t want.

For me, this change in my language allowed me to see what it is that I wanted and what it was that I needed to do. I knew that if I needed to get the things I wanted out of life and to serve my family better, we would need to move to a place where I could start over and go after the things I wanted, away from the negative influences in my life. It wasn’t easy, but a few years ago I uprooted my entire family and moved from Wisconsin to Arizona because I knew that if I stayed around my friends and family, I would not be able to grow and I would not be ready to serve my family in the way that I wanted to. We moved everything in the matter of a month. I bought a house, and I was in Arizona.

Making this shift isn’t easy, and it takes awareness to begin to remove negativity and the language of “I don’t want” from your life. I’ve been using this mindset for a while now, and there are times I catch myself slipping up, and that is ok. All you can do is your best.

Why We Focus on the “I Don’t Want” Mentality

We may not realize just how much we talk about the things we don’t want, and that is because, for most of us, it comes so naturally. We’ve been doing it our entire lives!

Most of us focus on the language of “I don’t want…” We constantly talk about the things we don’t want, whether it be “I don’t want this job anymore,” “I don’t want to drive this car anymore,” I don’t want to look like this,” or “I don’t want to eat this food anymore.” Chance are you have spent the majority of your life talking about the things you don’t want rather than focusing on the things you do want, and most likely that is because you are not even sure what it is that you want. We are naturally programmed to find the things we don’t want in our life, and it can take real effort to understand what it is that we do want.

We have been programmed our whole lives to see the negatives, and for some that can be 20, 30, 40 or 50 years of programming that needs to be undone. It may come naturally for us to say, “I don’t want…” when we’re in the middle of life. When we go to work, and it is a job we don’t enjoy, it can be easy for us to say, “I don’t want to work here anymore.” The key is to catch yourself in these moments and stop talking about the things you don’t want and start talking about the things you do want. If you don't want to work that job anymore, what would you like to be doing instead? How can you make that happen and get into a position you would enjoy and want to do?

The more you talk about the things you do want, the bigger the shift in your life is going to be and the more your life is going to turn around. When you start talking about the things you do want in your life, you will become more proactive and focused on those things because you will see more clearly the steps needed to get those things, instead of being stuck on the things you don’t want.

Let me give you an example, and it has to do with my mom again. When I talk to my mom, she talks about how she doesn’t want to be in her business anymore because she no longer finds it fulfilling. She says she doesn’t want to do it and her language is filled with “I don’t want.” How long has she been saying this? A long time, and no matter how long it has been since she’s begun saying she doesn’t want to do it, she’s still there. She has what she doesn’t want. So I asked her, what do you want? She thought about it and realized she didn’t know. If you don't know what you want, you can't change the things you don't want.

When we stop talking about the things we don’t want we realize that we have spent so much time focusing on these things that we haven’t taken the time to figure out what it is that we do want. How can we get something that we can’t see, believe, or manifest through our language? If we can’t even say what we want, how can we make it happen? You have to be able to see and visualize what it is that you want, and if you can’t, you probably don’t know what it is that you want.

Figuring Out What it is That We Want

Because we spend so much time focusing on the things that we don’t want, it can be difficult to know what it is that we do want and what will finally make us happy and fulfilled.

Let's go back to the example I provided of my conversation with my mom. After our previous talk, she reached back out to me after giving it some thought of what it was that she wanted. This is what she told me:

“I want to spend more time with my family. What I think I would love is to stage homes...I can invest in props, artwork, accessories, et cetera and stage homes for realtors and homes being sold by the owners. I would like to buy a small townhome not too far away from you guys.”

Do you see the difference between our first and second conversation? She was able to take her language and not only figure out what she wanted, but she began to form a plan of things she could do to achieve her goals by figuring out in detail what her goals look like.

Take some time to do the same. Think about what you want in detail. Commit that from this day forward you are going to manifest what you want in your life, who you will spend your time with, and how you will invest your money. Start thinking about all the things you want because there is no more time to think about the things you don’t want. Pay attention and start catching yourself when you start talking about the things you don’t want. When this happens, stop yourself.

There may be challenges and adversity in your life that you have to deal with, but you can make the choice today to begin to change. There is always a way to look at a situation, whether it be a frustrating or angry situation, and flip it around and say, I will be grateful at this moment and start talking about the things I want. Whether you realize it or not, you are in control of your life, and you are the steward of your ship. It begins with your thoughts, what you tell yourself and how you put those thoughts out into the world.  

Don’t Let the Past Control Your Present and Future

We all face challenges and adversity, and it can be easy to get caught up in all the negativity that comes with it, but you can’t let the bad things that happen or the things that have happened in your past to control your life.

Look at people like Tony Robbins or Elon Musk. They’ve each had to go through their own adversities and challenges that would have beaten others down, but they’ve been able to conquer it and rise above it, accomplishing great things along the way. You are no different than these people, and neither am I. What is different is what we believe, the language we use, and the people we hang out with and if these things are holding you back, then you need to make the change and remove them.

Just as we work on being physically healthy by removing the toxic foods from our diet and we control what it is that we put into our body, we must also do the same with our life. If the people who surround you are toxic, then you must remove them from your life if you want to serve others and be the best version of you.

Don’t be afraid to distance yourself from toxic relationships while you are trying to improve yourself because you can always come back to those people. Just try your best to talk to them and explain that you need to take some time to work on you for awhile and the people who care and support you, will understand.

If there are things from your past that are preventing you from moving forward, it may mean that you need first to confront it and deal with it, then let it go. If you’ve got to dig up some stuff that is painful, do it and feel the pain. It is ok to feel pain because once you deal with it, you can let it go and move on, removing that negativity from your life.

How Do You Change Your Language and Behavior?

If you want to change your behavior, you must start by changing your language, and you can do this by flipping the script. I know what it is like to talk about the things I don’t want every single day, and I was able to change this and begin to talk about the things that I do want every day. This is what you are going to do. You are going to flip the script and begin talking about what you want so you can start manifesting the things you want.

The trick to this is to start by figuring out what it is that you want and begin to visualize it. You have to be able to see the things you want to manifest them. You have to be able to feel it. Create goals for the things you want and ask yourself, how will I know when I’ve achieved my goal? Who will I be with? What will it smell and taste like if there is a smell and taste to it? What will it feel like? Be specific in your questions.

For me, I ask myself, how many more people do I want to impact? What will my future app look like? How will I know when I’ve achieved my five-year goal? My ten-year goal? What do I really want to do here in this world? I no longer think about the things that I don’t want anymore. Instead, I ask myself what it is that I do want and focus on how I can get there. I’ve realized that what happens and what manifests in my life is my choice. It is up to me. I get to choose what happens, and it is my legacy I leave behind. I get to dictate what that is. All this starts with your beliefs and your thoughts, and you begin to manifest it through your language.

From this day on, when someone asks you what it is that you want, don’t tell them what you don’t want. Start thinking about what it is that you do want and what your goals are. Start by figuring out what your goal is for the next month, then the next six months, and if you can, the next year. Ask yourself, how do I make these goals happen and how can I use language to manifest them in my life. What happens is ultimately up to you, and it begins with the language that you use.

When that old program begins up, and you find yourself focusing on the things you don’t want and all the negativity, cancel it out. Suffocate it, shut it down and start the new program up again; the program that says “I want and I deserve…” Focus on serving others and putting positivity out into the universe. When you’re closed off and when you’re thinking about what you don’t want it is tough to realize all that the universe has to offer.

I’ve got 31 years of bad programming, and at times, it still shows up, but I do my best to control it and use language to manifest the things I want in my life. I practice this, and every day I get better and better. Because of this change, today I am the best version of me I have ever been, and things are working out for me because I work hard at it every single day.

Take the time right now to figure out what it is you want and make the commitment to stop focusing on the things you don’t want. Commit today to start talking about the things you want and deserve in your life and make it happen.