How To Know If You’re Being Helpful (Or Codependent) In Your Marriage
Ruschelle Khanna, LCSW
Advisor & Therapist For HNW Females & Families in Enterprise II Focus on mitigating the impact of chronic illness in the family system II Author - Inherited Trauma & Family Wealth
Codependency can occur in any type of relationship including friendships, romantic relationships, or familial relationships. The hallmark of a codependent relationship is when one person in the relationship is unable to clearly separate their own feelings and emotions from the relationship.??
This means that in a #codependent relationship, a person’s physical, emotional, and spiritual needs are completely dependent upon the other person in the relationship. Codependent people are constantly focused on outside influences and their own ability to help, fix, or please the other person.?
Instead of focusing on what makes them happy individually, they seek constant approval from others and can only be “happy” when the person that they are attached to is happy.?
Although codependency is not a recognized mental health condition, there are often underlying causes and symptoms that have negatively influenced a person’s idea of a healthy relationship. These past events often hinder their ability to recognize when they are in a damaging or unhealthy relationship.?
Codependency Definition
According to Merriam-Webster , codependency is defined as “a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person manifesting low self-esteem and a strong desire for approval has an unhealthy attachment to another often controlling or manipulative person.”
In simple terms, codependency refers to any relationship in which one person is sacrificing or giving significantly more toward their relationship than the other.?
The term codependency was originally created in the 1950s in an Alcoholics Anonymous handbook. It referred to the phenomenon of how friends and family can unintentionally enable alcoholism by being over helpful.?
Is Codependency Bad?
Codependency is generally considered unhealthy because it can significantly affect the way that a person views relationships. It is extremely difficult for a person to have healthy, meaningful, and satisfying relationships because they rely on another person’s actions and emotions to determine their self-worth.?
This can cause the codependent person to put their relationship before anything else in their life including commitments, other friends and family members, jobs, school, and especially their own well-being and growth.?
Because of this skewed perception that a person develops about their own self-worth and the inflated views they have about their partners’ worth, people who are codependent are more likely to enter and stay in abusive relationships.?
Signs That You May Be Codependent
It can be difficult to recognize codependency signs in yourself, particularly if the majority of your relationships have had a codependent dynamic. It is likely that a friend or family member will express their concern to you about a relationship. These are some of the signs to watch for:
The majority of these symptoms frequently stem from a past childhood trauma that has never been resolved. Typically, they result as a byproduct of growing up in a dysfunctional household where a person may have had to regulate their own mood or behavior to appease an adult or caregiver.?
Codependent Behavior Examples
Do you frequently find yourself apologizing for things that aren’t your fault or that don’t need an apology out of habit??
Do you notice that you rarely have any time for yourself because you are constantly doing things that your partner wants to do, especially if you have no interest in their activities?
Do you find yourself constantly asking for permission to do simple things like go to the store, make dinner, or do anything by yourself without them??
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Do you feel guilty when you’re not spending time with your partner, if you haven’t heard from them in a while, or if you’re spending time with your friends instead?
These are all examples of codependency and if you find yourself frequently doing any of these or if you have any of the above symptoms, then it may be time to speak to a therapist.?
Am I Codependent?
If several of these signs of codependency sound familiar to you, or if you are wondering if your relationship is healthy, then it may be time to seek help. In many cases of codependency, it can be difficult to recognize all of the signs in your relationship.?
An outside, unbiased viewpoint, such as from a therapist, can be extremely beneficial in determining if you are codependent. Depending on the severity of your signs, the length of the relationship, and your own personal history, there are several treatment options available.
It is also important to remember that just because you may be experiencing some of these signs in your current relationship that it doesn’t necessarily mean that you are codependent. There may be something else going on that is an underlying issue that should be addressed.?
What Causes Codependency?
Codependency frequently develops as a result of a dysfunctional family dynamic. In these families, problems and issues are not discussed, and instead, children are taught to ignore and push down their feelings.?
A dysfunctional family typically occurs when someone in the family:
In these situations, the attention of the entire family often shifts toward that person to the exclusion of the concerns, difficulties, or problems of anyone else in the family. Although this has an impact on the whole family, it is especially dangerous for the development of children.?
How to Stop Being Codependent
If you think you are in a codependent relationship, the first thing to do is get an outside perspective from a trusted source. This can be friends or family members or it can be a professional such as a therapist.?
Your friends and family usually know you better than anyone else, and they will be able to tell you if they have noticed any changes in your personality, attitude, or habits recently. If they are noticing that you seem to be taking on too much responsibility or neglecting yourself in favor of someone else, then it’s time to do a self-check-in.
This means that you need to identify what core beliefs you hold that you may have bent or violated during the relationship. For example, do you value honesty but have found yourself lying about your partner's actions or covering up their lies??
Improve Your View of Yourself
It can be difficult to recover from codependency. You become used to doing things for everyone else and frequently base your self-worth on the way other people see you. In order to heal, you have to learn how to improve your self-esteem.?
Work on speaking positively to yourself and about yourself. Take the time to practice self-care, and take the time to do the things that you love by yourself or with friends. Start saying “No” to the little things that you don’t want to do and work up to saying “No” to the big things.?
From here, the process of learning how to establish healthy boundaries begins. Overcoming codependency is a long process and it takes many small steps to finally become comfortable and happy with yourself.?
You don’t have to make the journey alone though. Reach out today to learn how I can help you overcome your codependency symptoms.?