How to be kind in an unkind environment

It's a question I get asked a lot. 

Some people are in really toxic workplaces which are making them stressed and anxious, eroding their confidence, burning them out, making them unhappy...I've been there. I know what it's like to wake up on a work day wishing you hadn't.

Things at work for many have been bad enough. As far back as 2017, (the year Trump took office) 'Thriving at Work' a landmark review of mental health at work and what to do about it, reported that poor mental health costs UK employers up to ￡45 billion each year.

Since then organisations have made huge leaps forward in supporting mental health at work.

And then the pandemic struck.

As we dare to think about life and work post-COVID we are facing the realities that another pandemic is amongst us. A pandemic of poor mental health. Just recently Gallup reported record levels of stress and worry and remote workers are facing a new type of burnout as they feel trapped at home. We're not just socially isolated from family and friends, we're also isolated from colleagues and the community role work fulfils.

Working from home, endless video calls, trying to home school, worrying about family and friends, worrying about the economy and how safe our jobs are... 

For many - maybe even the majority - work is tougher than it has even been.

We're struggling. It's hard to emotionally connect on a video call.

It can be hard to be kind to colleagues.

It can be easy to see the behaviour of others as unkind...

How to be kind in an unkind environment is a subject I've explored in my new book, The Kindness Code. I've included an extract from it in this article. But, first, let's find out what one of the most insightful people I know has to say...

Peter McGahan, is CEO of Worldwide Financial Planning. A natural story-teller and all round kind person, Peter has a fresh perspective on how to deal with unkindness at work. Check out his video and the full transcript of our conversation:

MAGNUS:

I was asked an interesting question this morning, which is about when what happens if you're in an unkind environment. Particularly when you are lower down in your career. And one answer that I gave was, just by being kind and modelling the kind behaviour you want to see, you exert the influence that you're capable of exerting. You might have to accept that you're in an unkind environment and you've got a choice – you can either stay or leave, but you can do your bit. I'm interested in any views you've got on that, when you're just somewhere unkind what can you do?

PETER:

Behind every person, every person's action, behind every single person's action, I believe this to be true, is a positive intention. And by focusing on the positive intention, you take away your judgement of the person that takes you away from a horrible place of trying to put them somewhere, because in behind everybody, there's something going on, there's something going on in their mind, it's manifesting itself in their action in front of you. 

So in an unkind environment, why is this person being unkind? And what is their positive intention? 

So if you ask yourself that question in an unkind environment, what's your positive intention? Why, what is this person's positive intention? Well, maybe by being so rude, but because of being so rude, they're actually trying to get something across? Maybe because they're, they don't know how to communicate? Or, but what is the intention? Well, they actually want to get this over the line, they want to do this, they want to do that. And, and in having a courageous conversation with that person and asking permission to be courageous to say, "Do you know, just what you're asking me to do there? So I'm just trying to clarify? Don't worry, we'll get it done. But what is your reason for getting this done? Or what is your positive intention? Just by focusing on that and trying to clarify, you'll take away that all the negativity of judging the person, because nobody wants to be on the receiving end of some bad communication. But in that sort of an environment, if then asking the why, what is their why and behind that, what's the positive intention? What's their why? 

And then, of course, you've got to lead from the front, and everybody can lead from the front. It may well be that you get sacked from by somebody who, but that doesn't matter, you should leave there anyway, you know, so. And I know that's a bit trite if somebody actually have to pay their mortgage, but I think that, you know, no one should be handcuffed to unkindness. So, behind every action is a positive intention. 

I find that to be pretty useful in trying to analyse and then you actually get to understand people rather than judging them and if understand them and what their intention is. And actually you can change the behaviour really quite quickly.

MAGNUS: 

There's a build I'd put on that which is maybe they didn't intend to be unkind. They just might have been in a rush or just acted sort of hastily, or didn't think something through but they didn't actively intend to be unkind. And it's very easy to leap to, you know, for example, I gave an example this morning, which is I forgot to send an email to somebody and she had to reply back to me. And I felt terrible about that. She might have thought I was being unkind and ignoring her. It's just I forgot, you know, a lot going on. But I think we we're often very quick to very quick to judge when actually just a little bit of holding back. And I think I love your question about if you hold back and go, hang on, what were they trying to achieve here? Or, maybe they just went about it, you know, in a way that wasn't optimal. That's fine. I'll live with that. There's often a lot less unkindness around than we think there is to be honest,

PETER:

Yeah, because everyone's going through stuff, you know, we don't really know what people are going through. So not everybody is as robust as everybody else. But for sure everybody's going through stuff. 

And it's extraordinary when you get to the bottom. But when you ask the questions, and you see what the positive intention is. Just go back for a second and take the emotional aspects out of it, because we know what happens when we're getting emotional. So your frontal cortex is shutting down your ability to think, so a primitive part of your brain is now working – so, great fight or flight. Fantastic. Not the way you want to be thinking if you're going into something to communicate. And of course, in a fight or flight scenario, and being highly emotive, you are also highly suggestible. And so it's really not a place to be. 

So I think we take the emotion out of it and hover above 'the maze' and if you look back down at that 'maze' and look at that person and see what is their positive intention, what they're really are they were they trying to achieve, they probably were actually really just trying to get this job done really, really quickly. They probably don't know how to communicate. But, well, they're very good at numbers and they're very good at running a business but they probably can't communicate. Okay, so let's find out that. And if you go and engage with that person, look, looking at him and say, "Obviously, you must have quite a bit on. Can I actually take some stuff away from you? Is there anything I can take away from me to actually make things a bit easier for you?" "Oh my God, that would be so good. You're the first person who's actually asked because of..." 

So, I think it's just trying to connect over the top of that 'maze" – their 'maze', a very emotional 'maze' where the emotive, primitive part of your brain is working. And I suppose that's a good good way to think of it is when that happens, it is the primitive part of your brain that's working. When someone is being unkind and being more highly emotive. So just reengage back on. I always think if you ask somebody three times the rate question they'll eventually get it. "So why are we doing that again?" "Oh, you don't understand." "I probably don't because I'm not that bright. Right. But why are we doing that?" You keep repeating that? "Yeah, cause I'm not that bright. But I was kind of hoping we could get the answer to it. So why did you do that?" "Well, because of this..." "Cool, brilliant. Yeah. Let's move on..."

Sometimes People Don’t Realise They’re Being Unkind 

It's easy to make assumptions. That idiot pushing in front of you in the queue. That inconsiderate person who always turns up late for your meetings. Or that rude individual who answers their phone when you're talking to them. 

It's easy to get angry. To feel that you've been treated badly. Unkindly.

Maybe that idiot jumping the queue didn't actually realise you were waiting. Or had an emergency he was desperately trying to respond to. That inconsiderate person's meeting with her boss had over-run and she simply couldn't get away. The rude individual was expecting a phone call about a family member. 

It's easy to make judgements and to get upset. It takes strength of character, patience and humanity to look at the unkindness we have suffered and ask: did they actually mean to be unkind? 

To quote another Stoic philosopher, the Roman emperor Marcus Aurelius, "If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment." 

It is not what happened to us that upsets us – it is how we have chosen to react. We have chosen to see unkindness when it might not be there. So, use your strength of character, patience and humanity to start from the basis that the person didn't mean to be unkind. Then find out more. Ask the person if they saw you in the queue, why they're late, and – after they have finished their call – if everything's all right...

Let your reaction to apparent unkind behaviour be guided by a Russian proverb, popularised by Ronald Reagan during the unfreezing of the Cold War, "Doveryay, no proveryay."

"Trust, but verify."

If it does turn out to be unkind behaviour, then there’s only one thing to do...

This is an extract from The Kindness Code. To save you wondering, my advice is Key #6 of The Kindness Code - Kindly Call Out Unkindness.

I hope you found this useful. Peter is the first person I’ve talked to kick off a new weekly series of conversations about kindness at work. I'd love your comments on subjects you'd like me to cover and suggestions of people to talk to. Maybe you?

I'm Magnus Wood, a kindness expert who works with organisations to unlock the power of kindness at work. Kindness can help make work meaningful. It can help people thrive and do their best-ever work. It can produce remarkable performance and growth. Kindness at work is a superpower that everybody at every level can use to thrive and grow. For more information on The Kindness Code, Magnus Wood and The Kindness Consultancy visit www.thekindnessconsultancy.com or message me here.