How To Be A Killer Listener
“I AM AN AMERICAN. CAN YOU HELP ME UNDERSTAND?”
Since I didn’t speak French, this was my go-to phrase when I travelled to Paris about 25 years ago. I don’t think I was being the stereotypical “ugly American.” (Of course, no one does).
I actually think that I was just na?ve about other cultures. Up until that time, I had not travelled much. Every human being I had ever encountered previously had spoken English.
I just figured that in Paris with a population with over 2 million, there would be people who spoke my language. And that I would be able to find some of them. And that they would want to help me. A stranger. And a foreigner. Someone who had made no effort to learn their language. Or at least a few phrases.
I know how that sounds, but in my defense – I did over-enunciate, spoke loudly, and made sure they could see my mouth to help them read my lips. Alright, I probably was an ugly American.
In spite of my language deficiencies and flawed cultural assumptions, I did find some natives who spoke English and were kind enough to help me. (Hey, I guess my strategy worked!)
“I AM A MAN. CAN YOU HELP ME UNDERSTAND?”
This was NOT my go-to phrase to my wife when we were first married. Why would it be? I had a grasp of the English language. I was able to comprehend the words coming out of her mouth. We spoke the same language. Certainly, communication would be the least of our problems.
Like many men, I was certain I understood how communication worked:
-I said stuff. She listened.
-She said stuff. I listened.
-Perfect harmony is attained.
-We live happily ever after.
There! It’s as simple as that. Said the idiot man!
Maybe it’s harsh to say “idiot” man. Or could it just be redundant? (I am kidding, ladies).
I think just like my trip to Paris, I was na?ve about what it meant to truly communicate with a woman.
MORE THAN WORDS
When we talk, we make assumptions. We assume a common definition of words. This is natural, as well as necessary. However, there is much more than the mere exchange of words going on. Tone, body language, family of origin background, world view, and gender bias – are all part of the process of communication.
If we are not aware of these elements, they can end up creating barriers – or static – in the message we are trying to convey, as well as what (we think) we hear.
BE LIKE HORTON
In Dr. Seuss’ book, Horton Hears A Who, Horton (an elephant) is the only one who hears the Whos. Thus the title. I know – brilliant plot summary. The point is that even though the Whos were all speaking, Horton was the only one who heard them. He had big ears and was listening.
When it comes to communication, listening is by far the most important of all relational skills. We have been taught to clearly communicate our points of view, but have we ever been trained to see the perspective of another?
THE MAIN PROBLEM
?In his book, Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey states, “We do not see the world as it is; we see the world as we are – or as we have been conditioned to be.” Therefore, we assume that everyone sees the worlds as we do. This is known to as “projection.”
We tend to project our experiences, our beliefs, our values, our perception of the world on to others.
Whenever couples complain of communication breakdowns, listening is always the culprit. When we listen, most of us rarely listen to understand and know the other person. Instead, we project. We listen from a self-centered perspective, evaluating his or her words from “my” perspective and calculating how to respond when it’s “my turn.”
We try to understand others through our life experience. Yet the probability of understanding another’s heart while evaluating them through the lens of our lives is zero.
Do we really want to know and understand them, or are we trying to get them to know and understand us? Are we actually curious about how they see things, or are we trying to convince them to see the world as we see it?
If you think about it, why would anyone want to open up to you if every time they became vulnerable you gave them personal advice or told them (or implied) that they were wrong for seeing the world the way they do?
In order to communicate and deeply connect with others – like my wife – she must feel that I care and understand. That requires that I must suspend my perceptions and opinions and honestly seek to understand her. I need to show a true desire to understand. If I listen to her heart and legitimize her reality, then a pathway is created for her to consider my perspective.
SEEING AND FEELING THEIR REALITY
It’s important to clarify that understanding another’s world doesn’t necessarily mean that you agree with them. Relational connection doesn’t come from agreement, but rather the willingness to momentarily abandon one’s own perspective and step into the other person’s.
Seeking to truly understand another person communicates compassion and care. It tells them that they are not alone. It affirms them as a person. It shows empathy. This is a significant skill and goes a long way in creating deep relational connections.
LISTEN WITH YOUR HEART
More than just listening in the context of words, heartfelt listening is about experiencing someone else’s perspective and reflecting back in a way that leaves them feeling understood. It’s about suspending your reality long enough to experience life through their eyes.
This is a foreign concept for many people. Most of us have been trained to listen with the intent to be understood rather than listening to understand – period. Heartfelt listening seeks only to understand and reflect back that understanding.
HOW IT WORKS
Reflect back to your spouse or friend what they are feeling, to help them feel understood. Feelings are the language of the heart. We can disagree all day long about our opinions or perspectives, but when it comes to feelings – everyone is right. If they feel sad – they are sad. If they feel happy – they are happy. There is no wrong way to feel. Your feelings are your feelings. However, feelings don’t necessarily reflect absolute Truth. It is important to know that distinction.
Taking the time to understand someone’s heart carries more weight than just agreeing with what they think. You might be able to reflect back what I say or even tell me what you understand, but until I feel you understand me and my perspective, my heart won’t feel a connection with you.
Heartfelt listening is about trying to understand the deeper meaning of what the other person is communicating. Rather than simply repeating words, seek to observe their body language, inflection, and listen for feelings. Ask clarifying questions. Be curious. Seek to understand.
THE DEEPER SOLUTION
Since self-centeredness is the core of our barrier to truly communication, we would be wise to address that. Therefore, how can we become less self-centered – and more others-centered?
That requires our hearts to change.
In order for us listen with the heart – we need surgery on our own hearts. And we can’t do on our own. Only God can do that. Only he can take a self-centered heart and transform it. With God at the center of our lives – he will enable us to have the best relationships possible.
For questions or more information, you can email me at: [email protected].