How to keep yourself out of trouble when your emotions become too much.

In last month's newsletter, I mentioned that despite how awful some emotions can feel. There is no such thing as a bad emotion.

What I didn't mention though, is that there is such a thing as a bad response to an emotion.

The emotions we experience on a day-to-day basis tend to have 3 components.

1. What you are experiencing (The emotion itself)
2. How it feels (Sensations/physiology)
3. How you express it (Your behaviour)

And more often than not, it's not the emotion itself that causes trouble, it's how you express it that causes trouble.

Maybe when you are triggered you lash out at those around you leaving a trail of destruction and hurt feelings behind you.

Or maybe like me, you are one of those people who often withdraws and self-sacrifices just to make the situation better in the short term. Even if that means making things worse in the long term.

Whatever path your emotions take you down. If you want to make things better in the long run. It's important to...

- Identify your triggers and how they show up.?

- Recognize why these things trigger you.

- And what you can do to better manage these triggers that meet your needs in healthier ways.?

This takes work, effort, and patience.?

And generally, interventions to reduce the intensity of the emotion involve some sort of relaxation technique that reduces your autonomic arousal so that you can bring your conscious mind back online and be more mindful of your next move.?

But despite your best efforts when practicing this, whether it's mindfulness, breathwork, or whatever it is you are trying to use.?

There are going to be times when your emotions become so overwhelming that you find yourself resorting to your default learned mechanism. The one that historically has got you in trouble.

That's why it's really important, that alongside whatever it is you are learning to do to help you regulate your emotions, you come up with a contingency plan.

All a contingency plan is, is a thing or set of things that you can do that distracts you and creates space between you and the trigger.

Allowing the energy of that emotion to subside thus preventing you from reacting in an unhealthy way and making the situation much worse.

And the beauty is, it doesn't have to consist of anything weird and wonderful

Here's some things a contingency plan may consist of?

1. Call/spend time with someone you trust.

Our ability to self-regulate tends to be a reflection of who we had around to co-regulate with growing up. Meaning our responses tend to match how we were responded to. OR a product of how we adapted to manage our emotions in the absence of having a desired healthy response from others.

Still, whether what you received was helpful or not. The importance of having someone you can trust, who can hold space, provide a listening ear and maybe pass on some wisdom in the process, is something that all humans require throughout our lives.

Hopefully you have someone you can call on. But if that isn't an option or you don't feel that's an option right now, then the Samariatans here in the UK are always a great shout (Tel; 116 123)

(If you are reading this from a country other than the UK. Please feel free to enter other support numbers in the comments that are relevant to where you are)

2. Go do something you enjoy

Even if you have steam coming out of your ears. That doesn't mean you need to cancel life and hold back from doing things you enjoy. If you have something to hand that you like doing. Why not stick that in your plan?

3. Exercise.

Emotions create stress which in turn prompts us to take action.?

Exercise (within moderation) has been proven to help reduce stress and improve your sense of well-being. This means the action you are likely to take after exercise probably won't involve calling someone a **** and getting punched for it.

4. Writing/Journaling.

It's better to drop a few F-bombs on paper than in person.?

Writing out how you feel also helps you to gain a bit of clarity on the situation which enables you to have a better perspective before making your next move.

5. Carry out a task/chore.

Despite what may be going on, you've probably still got stuff to do. I mean your laundry or whatever it is you have to do on your to-do list probably isn't going to sort itself out right? Maybe focusing some energy here could help.

6. Do something for someone else.

Sometimes it helps to step out of our internal world and into the external world by using that energy to help someone else. Not only is this great for building and improving relationships, which may also help you with finding someone to call/spend time with when you are triggered in the future. It can also help with improving your self-esteem.

7. Walk away

Last but not least and sometimes it's the only option available to us, is to walk away and leave.

I know that in the midst of an emotional surge, especially in the context of relationships. There can be a desperation to repair the problem immediately out of fear of making things worse and potentially losing that person.?

Generally though, when we let our emotions dictate our actions in these moments, things tend not to go too well.

So if you need to walk away so you can regulate yourself before returning to the situation. Please do...there is absolutely nothing wrong with it.

At the end of the day though, your contingency plan is about finding what works for you in the context of the situations you find most troubling.?

So have a play around, maybe keep a note of what you want to use to hand, and give things a go.?

Remembering to praise yourself for your efforts, and not be too hard on yourself if things don't work out straight away.