3 Ways to Stop Judging People

Judging is a subconscious process which we generally cannot control. Or can we?

At its core, judging is an opinion or decision based on thoughts, feelings and "evidence", and as humans we make hundreds of them every day - both positive and negative. And we've learned that we can be wrong.

Did you know that in the first 7 seconds of meeting someone our brain has made 11 different decisions about them? We have subconsciously presupposed their intelligence, socioeconomic status, education, competence and trustworthiness. Maybe also their spirituality, sexual inclination and character. We have judged them based on their appearance, what they’re wearing, what they own, how they speak, how they respond to us, their behaviour and their mannerisms. I’m sure you can think of more.

Judging becomes a problem when we make unnecessary, hurtful or unfair judgments based on little evidence.

Psychologist Tara Brach shares this story: Imagine you are walking through the woods and you see a small dog. It looks cute and friendly. You approach and move to pet it. Suddenly it snarls and tries to bite you. The dog no longer seems cute to you and you feel fear and possibly angry. Then, as the wind blows, the leaves on the ground are carried away and you see that the dog has one of its legs caught in a trap. Now, you feel compassion for the dog. You know it became aggressive because it is in pain and is suffering.

Our judgements of other people affect how we see and interact with the person. We create a picture of them in our mind and we remember them that way. I'm sure there have been times when, after you get to know a person better, you realise they are not at all who or what you thought them to be. This new experience or interaction changes your perception of them. So you paint a new picture of them.

There are 3 simple steps to stop judging:

1 Be Self-Aware

Learn to be aware of what you're thinking about the person in the moment. Pause and be conscious of what you're thinking. Ask yourself questions like:

• "What opinions am I creating about this person?"
• "How do I know it to be true?"
• "So what if it WERE true?

Awareness is everything. Once you become aware of your thoughts in the moment, you can be neutral towards the person. After all, it is about them, not you.

2 Empathise

The truth is you can avoid making assumptions about anyone. See if you can understand where the person may be coming from. You don't know what you don't know - so, you can ask yourself: "What assumptions am I making about this person?

If the person volunteers information about himself or herself in the situation, just listen. You really do not have to judge or have an opinion. When we judge negatively it's primarily because our values clash. Something about the person, what they're saying, doing or being is not aligned with what you believe, what you hold dear to yourself. And that's all there is to it really. Empathise. Understand and accept that people can consciously or unconsciously live their values and everybody's values can be different.

3 Reframe

Rephrase or reframe your critical internal thought into a positive one. After all, we really don’t know the reasons for someone’s behavior. Just as we can have a negative thought about the person, we can have a positive thought too. It's our self-talk. And we can consciously change that. And if we can't come up with a positive thought - the opposite of what we thought about the person in the beginning - we can just be neutral.

In the end, judging people doesn’t define who they are, it defines the person who’s doing the judging. Could we learn to just allow people to be who they are? And the answer is yes, we can. Once we accept this, we can stop judging others and just be at peace with who they are.

Have a great day!

Coach Rohaizan

Get to know me at Rohaizan.com