HOW NOT TO IMPRESS YOUR NEW BOSS AND HIS WIFE

This is a true story with virtually no embellishment.

I was assigned to be the Staff Judge Advocate and Plank Owner (the first person to hold that billet in a new unit) of the 13th Marine Amphibious Unit (MAU) now called Marine Expeditionary Unit (MEU). At the time, I was Captain Dave Jonas, USMC.

My boss, the MAU Executive Officer (XO) was Lieutenant Colonel Jack Zdanowski, USMC, a highly decorated, cigar chomping, hard drinking infantry officer who had been wounded several times while fighting in Vietnam. He was truly a tough guy.

As noted in an earlier post, I am a lightweight when it comes to holding liquor. That was not a valued trait in the Marine Corps of that time. Two drinks of the same type is my normal limit. I have learned since the event that I will relate below, not to mix booze types and not to drink on an empty stomach.

The XO was a very funny guy with a zest for life often possessed by those who had cheated death. He liked me for whatever reason and invited me to his home for dinner and told me to bring a date. I was very happy about this and wanted to make a good impression on the XO and his wife.

I didn’t have a girlfriend at the time and was dating around. Whoever I was with it was only a first or second date. So I rather wanted to make a good impression on her, also.

We arrived right on time and after the normal exchange of pleasantries, the drinking started. I felt it important to accept what was offered as a good guest and to keep up with the XO so as not to confirm his view that lawyers were, shall we say, softer than regular infantry, even though we are all Marines first.

With very light appetizers, I downed two beers staying right with him. Then he offered mixed drinks and I had, along with him, two gin and tonics. I surprised myself at this point by not feeling too tipsy. That was a minor miracle which perhaps instilled in me a false sense of confidence.

Next up were shots of vodka with some dish of potatoes, sour cream and caviar. I had never had a straight shot of liquor of any kind in my life, but I played along and downed the two shots.

Finally, it was time for dinner when I could finally get some real chow in me to soak up all of that booze. But before the main course was served, there was salad, bread, and, you guessed it….two glasses of wine. Do you see where this is going?

If you have been keeping count, that is a total of eight drinks and four different types of alcohol that I drank without all that much food accompanying it. It is the most I had ever to drink in my life. My inhibitions were certainly gone and we were all having a great time with lots of laughs. At long last, the main course arrived - - a beautiful, carefully prepared plate of homemade pasta.

The XO had a million great lines and he used one of my favorites about somebody taking so long with something that his "shoes were going out of style." I found this unusually hilarious and my head rocked back in laughter and as I came forward I was so drunk that I couldn’t stop and my face went right into the plate of pasta. As the liquor now gripped me with its full force, I was unable to lift my head and I helplessly wallowed in the pasta plate groaning with dizziness. Very quickly thereafter, the dizziness turned to nausea and I knew it would only be a minute before I puked. I managed to gurgle enough to verbalize this problem as best I could and the XO opened the sliding door behind me and literally tossed me out into the garden where I puked for about 20 minutes but still couldn’t move. So I just stayed there.

At about dessert time or perhaps, when the meal was over, he came out and asked how I was doing. I responded unintelligibly. He then escorted me inside to the bathroom to clean up. He said to my date, “sorry honey, but he ain’t going anywhere tonight and he’s going to have to stay here and so are you.” I have no doubt that she was thrilled to hear this news.

I puked for about another half an hour in the bathroom, and he then finally tossed me into a bed where I slept blissfully all night totally unaware of what this could mean for my Marine Corps career. I was awakened in the morning by his two beagles, jumping on the bed and wondering what was going on. I had the same thought. All things considered, I felt pretty good, although my date was still not finding the humor in the situation. I was thinking to myself, oh brother, am I in trouble and what a way to start out on a new assignment with a new boss. As I sheepishly peeked my head out into the hallway to go to the bathroom, there was the XO shaking his head. He then made the following immortal pronouncement: “Jonas, it’s a good thing you don’t work for the State Department!“ I laughed at this new line and knew then that all would be well.

Fortunately, his wife, Susie also found this quite entertaining, and I remain close friends with them both to this day.