How I'm coping with a different Christmas this year

It's going to be a different Christmas for many of us this year.

In my 20 years of living in London, I've only missed returning home to Hamburg, Germany for Christmas twice. This year will be the third time. I feel a sense of loneliness and loss, despite also calling London home.

But of course it's not about Christmas, it’s about family. When I go to Hamburg, I’m going back to my roots. I sit in my mother’s kitchen, the fire is burning (she has an old wood-burning stove), and I get this deep sense of ease and ‘all is well’.

I’ve been sitting with the decision of whether to risk the journey to Germany during the pandemic or not for some weeks. My mother is elderly, 83. Life feels precarious, risky, unknown. I have been asking myself whether I would be able to do everything to ensure that I would not bring the virus to my family’s home. The answer of course was ‘no’. How could I possibly be able to know how to do that?

Loss and gain in the pandemic

So this year I’m not going. I cancelled my flight. It came with a sense of relief – released from the weight of responsibility to make my travels and stay safe for myself and everyone else. And it came with a sense of sadness, emptiness and loneliness.

What gives me consolation is that I know that I’m not alone in this. It’s a different Christmas for so many of us.

What’s been important is to say that I’m sad; that I can allow myself to sit with sadness, unease and loss. To really feel it as well as share it with close friends. This brings peace, as acknowledging how I’m feeling has brought me into relationship with how things really are versus wishing they were different (when they are not).

Now that I’ve made my decision not to go back to Germany, what’s slowly emerged has been a sense of spaciousness and freedom. As much as I love going back for two weeks each Christmas, I also know that it’s not always easy, it’s tiring, it’s intense and challenging too at times.

I’m now beginning to sense that the Christmas break will be an opportunity for me to slow down, to live simply, to have a proper break and rest, to do what I want, to catch up with friends, go on long walks, read loads, have a snooze ever day… book on an online retreat… lie on the sofa and watch a nice film…

Here is a short practice that I find helps me to be with all that is happening

If you feel similar about not seeing your family this Christmas, this practice can help bring peace and comfort in the midst of difficulty:

Pause and take three deep breaths?

Examine and explore the feeling of eg sadness, loneliness, loss, anxiety. What does it feel like in the body? Where in your body do you feel the emotion? ?

Accept what’s here right now in your experience. Name it. Maybe say out loud: ‘I’m feeling sad. I’m anxious about feeling lonely at Christmas.’ You could say: ‘It’s okay to feel this way. Other people feel like this too. I’m not alone in this.’ Acceptance does not mean giving up or merely tolerating what’s happening. Acceptance is active; it’s our willingness to be with what is. It can bring a real sense of peace and inner freedom.

Respond to what’s happening. Knowing how you feel and turning towards it with compassion, allows you to respond: to know what you might need (call a friend, have a cry, a moan, go for a walk, sit quietly).

Remember the good stuff that’s also happening, eg the gain of a simpler quieter Christmas perhaps...

This blog was published first on my website on 11 December 2020.

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