How to Identify a Toxic Manager (and How to Protect Yourself From One)

As have many others, one of the unfortunate things I have experienced in my career is the weight of working under a toxic manager. I have experienced firsthand how it can be demotivating, stress-inducing, and unhealthy. At times, I felt like I was losing my mind trying to keep up with the changing demands I faced and the moving targets to achieve success. My workplace seemed littered with landmines just waiting to go off, and I felt scared to move in my skin. It felt like whatever I said or did was heavily criticized, and I was the first person to be thrown to the wolves.?

My toxic manager was very calculated and very intentional with how they targeted and bullied me.

Over a few months, I realized that my mental and physical health were suffering. I was sleeping less, having frequent panic attacks, and feeling like a failure. No matter how I tried to motivate myself, find solutions to keep improving the workplace or work to keep the peace, I was rapidly approaching complete burnout, and I felt like a shell of my former self. Even my family noticed and commented that I seemed to have lost the spark that made me so vibrant.

Luckily, I could contact a trusted mentor who connected me with a corporate trauma coach. What I learned transformed me and put me on a career path to positive change and balance. I even became a trauma-informed business coach myself to help others. I have taken what I have learned and shared it here to help others break free. Let’s dive in!

Identifying a Toxic Manager

Identifying when you are working with a toxic manager versus when you have a personality conflict is crucial. A personality conflict involves a disconnect between approaches to life, beliefs, or even levels of sociability. You may be an introvert who prefers solitude and burying yourself in a good book on your lunch break, and your manager is an extrovert who constantly needs to be the center of it all. You may be open-minded and go with the flow, and your manager is very traditional and “do it the way it has always been done” in their mindset. Typically, getting coaching on understanding and communicating with each other will lead to a solution, or at the very least, the ability to be cordial with each other.

But how is a toxic individual different? A toxic manager will work against you to prevent you from succeeding. The why is very simple. They are threatened by your experience, your education, or even your qualifications. You don’t have to do anything to get a toxic manager to target you. They often target those they are threatened by or that they deem vulnerable. In other words, toxic people target others due to their fragile self-esteem. So, what can you look for to identify a toxic manager?

1. Self-Centered- A toxic person is typically very self-centered. They are focused on their own needs and agenda. They demand constant attention, validation, and sympathy. They will not offer that to others but certainly demand it for themselves.?They are also likely to exaggerate their accomplishments and expect you to be impressed by them. Any stories shared at work are typically overtaken by a toxic individual that needs to “top” others. These individuals are constantly looking for ways to divert attention to themselves. I also noticed that they grew agitated if anyone complimented me and would find a way to steer the conversation back to them for recognition. In my experience, I noticed that my toxic manager would add their work to my workload but never ensured I had what I needed to complete my work and succeed. I felt like I was drowning in work and constantly fighting to meet deadlines and workloads that kept changing.
2. Manipulative- Toxic managers are experts at masquerading. They often mask their behavior by being charming or friendly to those they want to impress. It is not uncommon for a toxic manager to be dominant with the peers they bully but submissive and charming to superiors they want to impress.?They are also quick to flip the script if you confront their shortcomings. If you call this behavior to their attention, they may criticize you for having an issue with their behavior. They will then falsely portray themselves as the victim and you as the perpetrator who is bullying them.
3. Abusive- Some examples of abusive behavior include being reminded how easily replaceable you are or working under the constant threat of being fired. This was a common occurrence for me. Whenever I tried to address concerns or issues, I was told how simple it would be to find someone else to do my job if I couldn’t “get with the program.” It may also look like a manager who publicly reprimands you in front of others to humiliate you. Does your manager speak to you respectfully and address issues privately, or do they use meetings to call you out in front of others?One thing my toxic manager did frequently was to blame me for their incompetence. I remember being scolded for missing a meeting they had rescheduled for while I was on vacation with my family. I was flabbergasted and tried explaining how they rescheduled the meeting while I was already on vacation, only to be told I was not a true team player in front of my entire team. I remember how humiliating it felt and how I genuinely felt like I let my team down.
4. Gaslighting- Gaslighting can be as simple as mocking any questions you may ask for clarity. It can also look like receiving backhanded compliments. When you react with hurt or frustration, they may brush it off as their comments were just jokes and then downplay their words or actions. You may even constantly apologize to your manager because you automatically assume you are at fault for anything. One obvious sign I experienced was realizing my manager lied and operated with deceit often. They always told me how wrong I was, how many “others” agreed with them about me, and how inaccurate my memory was. I doubted my memory, work performance, and even my sanity. I began to believe that there was a large group of “others” disappointed in me.
5. Need for Power and Control- Toxic managers need to have a say in everything you do. I remember my toxic manager requiring me to write up my entire action plan for the day and what I had accomplished by close of business. If I deviated from the plan or changed course in any way to meet business needs, they were quick to reprimand me. It made me afraid to write an email, take a phone call, or make a business decision independently. I did not feel trusted to do my job at all. At one point, my manager would stand behind me to watch me work for hours at a time. They wanted absolute control over every decision and to dictate each move I made. It was incredibly exhausting and anxiety-inducing.

How to Protect Yourself

Now that you have a better understanding of how to identify a toxic manager let’s discuss what you can do to protect yourself from one:

1. Document Everything and Set Boundaries- I started a Google document and began journaling each day. Documenting helped me track my work progress and project specifications and prove to myself that I was sane. It also provided an obvious timeline. I then set boundaries for how I would accept new tasks. I requested that all work projects and tasks be emailed to me. No exceptions. This way, I had proof to refer back to and clarity on what was communicated. It may seem like extra work, but protecting yourself is worth it!
2. Involve HR or a Labor Law Expert- Do not confront your toxic manager alone. Go to your HR department to report concerns and seek support. When you prepare to speak to HR, it is also an excellent time to email your written concerns with your collected documentation to them before you speak. Talking to HR on the phone is different than putting your concerns in writing. In my situation, my corporate trauma coach advised me to speak with an employment lawyer to better understand labor law violations in preparation for my HR meeting. It helped me build my report to submit to HR. Knowing your rights and being able to communicate your case clearly and professionally is powerful!
3. Go Low to No Direct Contact- When possible, distance yourself as much as possible from the toxic manager. You want to limit their ability to have access to you or being able to abuse you. I blocked my manager on my personal cell phone and requested that they email me all action lists or workplace needs. I also made sure to never be alone with them. If conversations turned personal, I left the area when possible. I consciously made sure not to make eye contact more than what was necessary, either. Eye contact can be an "in" toxic individuals look for to initiate attacks. Only discussing work functions in writing or with a group of colleagues present cut off the toxic manager’s access to me.
4. Gray Rock- I began to employ this technique on the advice of my corporate trauma coach. Gray rocking is when you respond to toxic people with absolutely no emotion. I practiced keeping my tone neutral and controlling my facial reactions. Gray rocking was a challenge as I am an expressive individual. By not reacting with frustration, hurt, or even enthusiasm, I was cutting off their supply to abuse me. I kept all my responses relevant to the work, short, and incredibly concise. This approach resulted in my toxic manager avoiding me more and more as they were not getting the previous reactions from me that they used to.
5. Build your Support Network- This can include supportive friends, family, work mentors, your therapist, or a trained corporate trauma coach. One of the best things I did was to reach out to a trusted mentor. They guided me through my experience and offered me validation and support. They also connected me to a workplace trauma coach to help me start processing my emotions and start the healing I needed most. It wasn’t long until I recognized I needed to leave my toxic manager for my mental health.?My mentor then worked with me to revamp my resume and clarify what I wanted to do professionally after this experience. My friends and family created a circle of love and support around me as I interviewed for new roles, and they reminded me of my talent, ability, and value. Without this network, losing myself would have been far too easy. With them, they helped me break free and break into a significant new role that has brought me so much happiness and growth!

Final Thoughts

It can seem daunting to break free from a toxic manager. In my professional and personal experience, achieving the holistic balance I sought was worth the short-term work. Now that I am aware of how to identify a toxic manager, I can protect myself and safeguard my mental health.

You will notice a night and day difference from your former work life when working in a healthy workplace. You will feel confident and capable of developing your skills, knowledge, and abilities. You will experience growth and not fear failure or setbacks. You will feel like a valuable team member whose opinions and contributions matter. You will feel like an asset that is appreciated for the talent you bring to your team.

Identifying a toxic manager and protecting yourself from one can give you a holistic advantage on your career path. It certainly did in my case! Never hesitate to choose your happiness, yourself, and your professional growth. Prioritize your self-care and set solid boundaries for yourself. You are worth investing in, and you deserve a healthy workplace and team that values you for your unique talent and abilities!