How to Identify the Judgmental Thoughts that Deplete Your Self-Confidence

What’s the difference between feeling self-confident and being racked with doubt? It’s all a matter of mindset and internal language. Self-confidence — more than skill, technique, or status — comes more often from being free of self-criticism than anything.

Self-Confidence is Destroyed by Self-Judgment

If I’m filled with judgmental thoughts about myself, then there’s no WAY for me to feel excited walking into a new challenge. If I’m starting a new business, then there will be 10,000 opportunities to criticize myself. Beginning a new relationship? There’s a whole boatload of chances to focus on my flaws!

So, the first step to building real self-confidence is to notice the judgments I hold about myself, and the self-critical language they produce. 

If I don’t address the distorted beliefs that underlie my self-image, then any attempt at building self-confidence on top of it will be superficial and temporary. It’s a house of cards. 

How Can I Learn to Notice My Own Self-Judgments?

To begin, any negative commentary that I have towards myself — for instance, I’m not smart enough, not charismatic enough, not a good enough leader, not creative enough, don’t try hard enough — will ALWAYS manifest itself in my thoughts about others.

For example:

• Core Belief: I’m lazy. I don’t try hard enough.
• Criticism of Other People: “Dude, this guy is such a lazy slob.” “Why doesn’t he pick up more slack around here?” “Does she think she can just sit around all day and do nothing with her life?”

External criticisms reflect internal ones. So, here’s a question to ask yourself to help identify your deeper critical beliefs: What’s something that really, really bothers you about other people? What’s something that’s NOT OKAY to do, yet some people have no issue with? The answer to this question holds a clue to something you’ve likely disowned inside yourself.

Whatever behaviors are “off-limits,” for you, come from an internal rule (morality) about what’s acceptable and what’s not. So, if I believe that I’m distractible and have no ability to focus, I’m going to be critical of people who are distracted or forgetful. I just can’t stand it!!! And the REASON I can’t stand it is because I’m critical of myself for having the same habit — or at least, it’s a part of me — and at some point in life I learned that it was unacceptable to be that way.

What, Specifically, Do We Judge Ourselves About?

In Hal & Sidra Stone’s book, Embracing Your Inner Critic, we discover a world of “Disowned Selves” that are common sources of self criticism. Disowned Selves are the ways of behaving that we concluded, at some point in life, are unacceptable. And thus, we disapprove of and reprimand these behaviors in other people and in ourselves. 

Here are a few of the most common Disowned Selves. You can think of these as pieces of you — aspects of our humanity — that, at some point in life, became off-limits.

• The Incompetent Oaf; The Self-Indulgent Princess; The Irresponsible Child; The Daydreamer; The Fun-Lover; The Boundary-Setter

(You can find a more complete list of our “Primary Selves” and “Disowned Selves” here.)

You might even react to reading about someone being incompetent! 

How Can I Release These Judgments and Feel More Self-Confident?

If you’re interested in developing self-confidence, it’s incredibly important to notice the situations and moments when these judgments arise. The first step is awareness. Then, moving forward, you can begin to see the pros and cons of all extremes, and welcome the Disowned Selves back into your life. There IS a place for the Self-Indulgent Princess. Being so rule-bound that you don’t let yourself have a single day off… well, there’s a real cost to that. A cost to your wellbeing. So, the more you can bring balance into your life and allow all the Selves to coexist, the faster you’ll build self-confidence, authenticity and a sense of wholeness.

Self-confidence begins with identifying the judgments that keep you stuck in anxiety, frustrated and frozen in place.

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Andrew Vargas-Delman has a passion for constructive, effective and emotionally intelligent communication. As a coach, he helps his clients in building self-confidence, communicating effectively and creating meaningful, satisfying relationships in their personal and professional lives.

To contact Andrew for individual or group coaching, or to book a speaking event, please visit: https://andrewvargasdelman.com

You can read more about Hal & Sidra Stone’s book here