HOW I WENT FROM 2 FAILED MARRIAGES TO FINDING THE LOVE OF MY LIFE
We all want to be loved. The Hollywood image of a fairy tale is embedded in our minds from a very early age. Unfortunately, when this image crashes with reality we can hardly cope.
Despite beautiful story lines, these tales hardly ever explain to us, how to deal with depression, disappointment and rejection.
My story begins when I was fifteen years old. I fell in love with my High School Sweetheart. Little that I knew, I was left heartbroken three years later. I have never been given a chance for closure – there was simply no explanation provided to me (even till this day). This damaged my image of love. I was apprehensive and cautions from that day onwards. I became a rebel and difficult teenager, which resulted in multiple fights with my parents over my grades and circle of friends. I could hardly sustain like this, so at twenty-two I have moved out with the next boyfriend of mine.
In my country, at that time, this was unheard of. Due to circumstances, we have decided to marry quite fast. No, there was no pregnancy involved. We have simply tried to get the government aid to be able to purchase a flat. Assuming, we are already been living together, I didn’t see any danger in getting married. How wrong was I? I wasn’t mature enough to understand what I want. I made a belief that “in time” everything will fall into place. Our marriage survived only two years. It was my fault – I fell in love with someone over the internet (yes, that is me!) and decided to run away. What was I running away from? From my own unhappiness, fights, misunderstandings, overprotective parents, over involved in-laws and my abusive husband.
I moved to England without knowing the language. My “internet love” and I married six months later – just because I thought that was the right thing to do. It wasn’t even a year later when we started to break apart. My poor linguistic skills didn’t allow me to stand up for myself when we had an argument. I have allowed my ex to take control of nearly every part of my life. I ended up feeling emotionally abused. I became deeply depressed and dependant on others. My self-worth was near to zero. I hated myself and everyone around me. When my second husband decided it was time to divorce, seven years down the line, I was wrecked.
What happened next was difficult but necessary. For the first time in my life I have allowed myself to breath. I decided to be alone and take the best out of that time. Even though I was actively looking for a partner, I knew that this time I have to make sure I put myself and my needs first. It was all shaky at the start. I have made many wrong judgements, dated many men out of desperation for a hug and cried frequently. But it all had a purpose.
I have spent three years looking for the love of my life. It was all worth it. What has happened in the meantime was a massive personal development. I have finally had time to reflect on my childish actions from the past. I have understood that the key to my happiness was always in my hands. All I had to do was to trust and love myself enough to allow myself to make the right choices. I reconciled my life and got clarity on where I was going wrong.
Once my thinking shifted so did my life. During those years I have learned that there is nobody out there able to make me happy if I will not make myself happy first (or at least will not open enough to the possibility). My limiting beliefs started fading away. Each day I was closer to fully accept myself, trusting the process and opening up to happiness.
What followed was the most magical experience. I have found my Boo. From the very first conversation we knew this is the “real thing”. I was open for love and I have received it in abundance. All pieces were falling into place at the instant. We have moved together in the first week of knowing each other. It was not a mistake! It worked – it still does. Why? Because it is not the action you take, it is not the decision you make that matters – it is the mind set and the ability to love and understand yourself that makes all the difference. Once you possess the knowledge – you can rock your own world and brighten it for those who will join you on that journey.
For me, since that time, everything is possible. I am full and total. I am loved and I love. No conditions apply!