How I (used to) see the world

At the onset of writing this piece when all that was written out was a couple friends looking for his input (we were getting deep with one another and it just felt right). He was very positive about the piece and intrigued with where I was headedions on certain topics however, it was one particular question he posed that initially left me stumped “I love the idea Joey but I have to ask: what exactly is this a transformation from and to?” It was a great question and had me thinking for a long time until it finally hit me: this is a piece detailing my transformation from adolescence to young adulthood and some of the personal perceptional changes I underwent within the process.

PLEASE NOTE: Although this is a personal piece, I often include subjective generalizations about human beings and society as a whole based on my limited life experiences and personal opinion. I often write in what seems to convey what I believe are hardwire, concrete facts. Take each section as you will and I am more than willing to further express my opinions on a one on one basis ([email protected]). Additionally, I have broken up the article into several subsections in consideration of my fellow millennials miniscule attention spans. Please reference the below Table of Contents if you do not wish to read the entire piece but would rather like to peruse particular topics.

Table of Contents

1. Change
2. Sense of Self
3. People
4. Negativity
5. Selfishness
6. Independence
7. Golf
8. Grinding
9. Love
10. Self-Love
11. Happiness
12. Closed Mindedness
13. Building a Life

Change

I used to fear change and think everything was forever…

It is indeed a naive concept and thought process as many of the ideas proposed throughout this article are. I grew up in an extremely small and close knit community where I attended grade school with kids I had been friends with practically my whole life. I formed great friendships filled with even better memories, and expected the blissful bonds and innocent high school summer nights to live on forever. The songs “Bottle it Up” and “Raised on it” by Sam Hunt as well as a million other country jams quickly come to mind. Nevertheless, I like to believe that we as human beings have a natural inclination to want certain relationships, emotions, memories, and moments to last forever. At a young age, we truly believe and hope we will stay young forever because hey, who doesn’t enjoy being able to do whatever they want every day with practically no responsibilities? We envision quality relationships remaining as delightful as they were when at their strongest, whether we care to put the time and effort into them or not. The truth of life however, is that people, emotions, relationships, etc. are constantly changing and as expressed to me by one of my childhood best friend’s father “Nothing is in perpetuity.” Having said that, I feel it is important to emphasize and discuss the process of change now more than ever as it is an inevitable force of our fast-paced, technology-driven society: simply put, change is everywhere and occurs often.

The process and idea of change can nevertheless be both a scary and daunting thing especially when facing a major dose of it for the first time in one’s life. We are creatures of habit and when something goes awry, forcing us to adapt and adjust our accustomed habits, we often have a difficult time properly and effectively responding. I have found however, that if consciously chosen to be, change can be both enjoyable and productive so long as it is both positive and progressive. As with most things in life, one’s perception on change vastly determines the affect it will have on him/her. If one strives to move forward and improve upon one’s self in the changes he or she makes in life, then the once daunting life force will soon become a stepping stone towards greater opportunities.

I would be remiss in not mentioning that I have found it both important and beneficial to eat the pain that may come with leaving behind an old habit, relationship, job, etc. prior to fully immersing oneself in the process of change. Getting laid off, fired, broken up with, or enduring negativity of any variety that warrants major change will inevitably cause some degree of personal pain. From my perspective and life experiences however, I have found that it is important to NEVER ignore pain, sadness, anger, or negativity of ANY magnitude or variety but rather as you would with any positive aspect of life, let it work through you. Taking a day or two to really fully bask in and eat the pain one is feeling will be extremely helpful in beginning the recovery process towards positive change. (I discuss eating pain more in Episode 21: Eating pain and judging people’s essences of my podcast which can be found on both iTunes and Sound Cloud via the links below). It is also important to never define yourself by these negative events in life but rather use them as building blocks and forms of motivation towards futuristic positivity. Additionally, ignoring and/or not addressing negativity simply pushes such negativity into the subconscious where it can fester and slowly eat away at one’s daily sanity. Negativity feeds off of being ignored and left alone so best to address it early and head on. Once the pain that comes with change is fully dealt with and addressed, the journey towards new beginnings can truly begin and take full force.

Whether we recognize and/or accept it, change is an inevitable part of life which we encounter every day. I am not the same person I was when I began writing this article nor are you the same person you were when you woke up this morning or will be when you go to bed tonight. Every interaction, experience, and moment we have in our day to day lives are life changing; some of greater magnitude then others. As the world and life around us is constantly changing so aren’t we; adjusting and adapting to our ever-changing environment to enjoy more prosperous and enjoyable stays here on Earth. It is therefore important to approach change, and in turn every day, with the attitude of moving forward, growing, and improving oneself. If you allow it to be, change can be a painful, difficult, and slow-moving process however, if consciously chosen to be, change can easily be turned into a mere milestone on the journey towards greater and more positive opportunities and experiences.

• Keepin' it Real Podcast on iTunes
• Keepin' it Real Podcast on SoundCloud

Sense of Self

I used to think my sense of self would come from things outside of me…

This is an idea which really holds close to my heart and was/still often is the biggest obstacle that stands between me and my truest form of independence. We as human beings have an insatiable need and drive to be liked and accepted by others. In fact, according to some, this NEED for social connection and acceptance is slowly becoming as prevalent as our most vital physiological needs (Joe Rogan and Dan Doty on Loneliness & Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs)*. From an early age we are encouraged by parents, teachers, and mentors alike to ‘make friends.’ As we continue to develop into our teenage years and onward, those whom struggle to ‘make friends’ are often questioned, written off as weird or questioned to have an underlying social disorder. In a sense, modern society does its best to try and force true hearted introverts into becoming unwilling extroverts. To add to the confusion, often times our status within society (with social status of course being in and of itself one of the most prominent social constructs we have today) is determined by who we hang out and associate ourselves with. As one of the ‘popular’ kids in high school I have experienced this first hand. Due mainly I believe to my athletic prowess displayed on the football field as well as my outgoing, energetic personality, I was more or less thrown into the limelight at a small high school where practically everyone knew one another. Now although as a google-tested and confirmed ambivert part of me enjoyed this mainly undeserved attention, another large portion of me hated that everyone knew who I was. For a long time I possessed a deep longing to be that loner kid in class that NO ONE knew or talked to. BUT, on the other hand I also loved and craved the attention I received (typical sign of an ambivert; very fickle). I say all this because when I arrived at college and did not have the copious amounts of friends and connections that I had had in high school, part of me felt empty. I had to begin all over again and do my best to ‘make’ others like me; an approach I soon learned to be a bit destructive.

Now although human connection and bonding has been scientifically proven to be essential to a healthy and effective lifestyle, the issue with seeking social connection and acceptance is that many times one’s individuality and sense of self gets lost within the process. In an attempt to fit in and find our place within the world and society, many of us let go of and forget who we actually truly are, acting in manners we never would have imagined acting in. Ironically however, when we act out of character in an effort to make friends and be accepted, the opposite tends to happen. Those around us whom we are trying to impress with our phony personalities can generally identify the masquerade and are subsequently often turned off by our ‘fakeness.’ As I alluded to at the end of the last paragraph, I know that I have certainly fallen victim to this societal trap and occasionally still do. I have learned however, that the further one strays from his or her roots in an effort to be both accepted and loved by others, the further dependent on others and disconnected from him or herself one becomes. It look me a few years of maturation following my departure from high school to learn this and I admittedly still do not fully practice this concept all the time, occasionally relapsing into old habits and acting out of character to impress others. My sense of self, independence, and capacity of self-love however, is substantially greater than it was a year ago and continues to deepen itself each and every day. After countlessly re-watching the Kyle Cease video posted below, I quickly came to realize that true fulfillment in my life (and I like to feel most people’s lives) would not derive itself from the number of “friends” I had, despite my adolescent convictions. Over the past year or so I have shifted my focus from trying to impress others in order to obtain their acceptance to simply chasing what makes ME happy and acting accordingly. I have found my true self and practice ‘being Joe’ on a daily basis. This major attitude shift has yielded fantastic personal and social results for me as it has at the bare minimum opened doors to new opportunities and friendships.

Ultimately, I have discovered that our deepest sense of self as individuals does not derive itself from external objects, things, or even people. You can have every “thing’ in the world and paradoxically have absolutely nothing. Don’t get me wrong, the people, objects, and experiences we surround ourselves with certainly can and often do provide us with copious amounts of happiness and enjoyment. However, if we rely on these external events and relationships to fuel and maintain our levels of happiness and contentment throughout life, we will almost always be left with some feeling of emptiness. For it is deep within our souls in a place that cannot be seen, visualized, or even remotely understood where our truest sense of self, happiness, and fulfillment lies.

• “Strive to live your life FOR people but never live your life THROUGH people”
• Joe Rogan and Dan Doty on Loneliness & Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs
• Talking 2 Myself
• Kyle Cease Why People's Opinions of You Aren't Real

*Throughout the piece I enjoy pulling wisdom from what I deem to be some of the wisest and most inspirational people in the world at this time.

People

I used to try and change people…

I love people man. I really do. I fahking hate people sometimes, but for the most part I really do love people. I am fascinated by the fact that every person has a different story. That something that happened to you when you were three years old can have a profound subconscious impact on the way you act/react to something when you are twenty or even fifty years old. I think the way females and males balance and counteract one another is joyful. I sometimes even enjoy seeing someone in pain, crying, or simply having a tough time because not only can I often relate and emphasize with how they may be feeling but also because I see these types of difficult situations as opportunities for me to assist and find out what it is that made this person feel that way and potentially take away some of their pain. Having said that, as a teenager I was admittedly a bit too invasive into people’s personal lives at times, asking a few too many sensitive questions in an effort to better understand and gain a full fledge viewed of someone. Over the past couple of years I have become more reserved in my efforts recognizing that although someone may be faced with turmoil or distress in their personal lives, they may not be as open to discussion on the matter as I may perceive or want them to be. Additionally, I feel that I am at a point in my life where I can and must be as selfish as I ever will be. As I begin to build my life and discover my passions, I must always remind myself to put my personal well-being before anyone else’s despite the fact that my initial instinct might often tell me otherwise. Consequentially, I have now reached a point where I attempt to not so much ‘intrude’ myself into someone’s personal affairs and complications but rather hold an open hand, and heart, to anyone in need who may need someone to speak to and/or receive advice from. Although this was admittedly a difficult transition for me to initially make, I now receive a far larger degree of fulfillment and gratification out of being asked for advice by a close friend then I formerly did when sticking my nose into unwanted situations. As I see it, I now receive actual opportunities to impact others whom are willing to be guided and assisted as opposed to being another unwanted voice asking the dreaded “What’s wrong?” question. I have learned over the years that no matter how badly you may want to and/or may try to, you simply cannot change who someone is. Doing so is wrong, unnatural and can interrupt the authentic flow of life/human nature. If you are similar to myself in the respect that you find yourself wanting to change someone for the better, even if for goodhearted reasons, try your hardest to refrain yourself from doing so. Conversely, let it be known to friends, colleagues and the world that you are available to give help and lend assistance. If you are able to recognize the consistent mistakes made by a friend or colleague which so often lead to negative outcomes, do not tarnish or bash that friend for said actions but rather kindly ask if they would like your perception on the situation. Forcibly attempting to change someone is never the right answer and is never your responsibility. If help for guidance towards positive change is asked for however, embrace and seize the chance for I have found there are few greater privileges on Earth then the ability and opportunity to positively impact lives.

Negativity

I used to deny the fact that there is negativity in the world…

Growing up in a small, close-knit suburban community I did not experience much resistance or ‘negativity’ if any at all, for much of my adolescence. I still feel I haven’t really seen true negativity (violence, hate, etc.) in my everyday life except that which is portrayed on the daily news, which I rarely, if ever, tune into. Having said that, I am now at least cognizant of the fact that there is indeed negativity and hate within the world. Coming from a very loving and closely tied community and home, negativity was sort of a tough thing for me to swallow and ultimately accept. I currently do my best to steer clear of negative environments, people, and places, as I think we all should, however, I also do my best to never deny the fact that there is indeed a tremendous amount of negativity in life. Simply put, the world is not a consistent glowing ecosystem of happiness, love, and beauty. There are people, communities, and organizations out there that for whatever reason(s) pride themselves on producing varying forms and degrees of negativity. The fact that negativity is present in the world however, should NEVER deter one from portraying and spreading all that is beautiful. Happiness, love, and positivity will always defeat all that is negative in life and often those whom emit such negativity have these positive qualities within them and simply require some direction and guidance towards the light. I let negativity and hate, or my perception thereof it, directed towards myself, my work, and my beliefs strengthen them as opposed to hinder them. Negativity and haters are the basis for some of my greatest personal inspirations in life as they fuel my fire and are a consistent reminder to me that I need to continue to do what it is I strive to do and spread the messages I attempt to spread. Do not ignore but rather acknowledge the fact that there is evil, hate, and negativity in the world and instead use this knowledge as motivation to do great things on the opposing end of the love-hate spectrum.

• I am Legend Bob Marley Scene
• What Do I Know

Selfishness

I used to think being selfish made me an abhorrent person…

One of the reasons I find college to be such an amazing and interesting time in life is because it is a four year period where you have the unique ability to choose what you want to do with your life literally every day and ultimately begin to mold both your future and career. With all that said, as a college student there really is no greater time in life to be as selfish as possible. Being selfish to me is not so much about being an asshole to others and cutting yourself off from the world but rather about putting yourself before others because at the end of the day you are the most important person in your life. For a while I did not understand this concept as I wrote off acts of selfishness as underlying dispositional character flaws. Now I see however, that you can in fact be both selfish and good. Although it can often be a fine line to dance with, it is indeed possible to be a caring, generous, and kind individual while also being ridiculously selfish in life.

 For a long time I put the self-interests of others before my own, always doing things with an underlying desire to please others and impress the masses. Whether it be doing something I didn’t necessarily want to do, saying things I knew I shouldn’t have said/ultimately did not believe, and/or anything in between, my main interest was always to make others happy/laugh. I justified my actions with the belief that what I perceived to be my ‘unselfishness’ would one day pay off and ultimately made me a better, more decent person then other, more selfish people. Anyone who has ever lived in a similar manner however, probably knows that this fateful ‘pay day’ generally does not come.

Spinelessness is an extremely unattractive and ‘weak’ character trait to possess. As mammals we can often detect when someone is unselfish and willing to do just about anything for others in a feeble attempt to be liked or gain approval. Additionally, whether cruel or not, many of us will often take advantage of one’s willingness to aid others and abuse their kindness for their own personal benefits. With all of that said, I find living selfishly, especially at this point in my (hopefully young) life, to be one of the most effective ways to approach everyday life. Having my own underlying self-interests always front of mind and attempting to live for myself while also impacting others as much as possible within the last year or so has yielded massive shifts in my everyday life:

• I receive far more respect from others now that I have made it abundantly clear that if you don’t want to be a part of my life you don’t have to be. The way I look at it we are all human beings and there is no hierarchy or reason to treat ANYONE less then such.
• 95% of my day is spent doing things that I want to be doing. I engage myself in and surround myself with activities and people that I desire to.
• I’m overall a more confident and happy person. I still enjoy helping people and lend a hand to others as often as possible however, I am ultimately cognizant of the fact that there is a clear line between being kind and helpful and putting my own personal wellbeing at risk.
• I more clearly comprehend that ultimately we are inherently selfish beings and there is absolutely nothing wrong or evil about that. At the end of the day, we all strive to survive and extend the mortality of our genes by any means necessary.

       In conclusion, I now believe that being selfish does not by any means make you a bad person but is rather part of the intricate web what makes you human and connects you to the other inherently selfish beings around you. I do not believe there is such a thing as human being whom is more unselfish then selfish. To support my claim imagine the following hypothetical scenario: you are stranded on a deserted island with one other friend of the same sex as you. You cannot procreate (since you are of the same sex) however, you have known this friend for quite some time and are quite close to him/her. You both have fought for days on end together to survive however you are both simultaneously reaching the point of death by starvation as you have scrounged the island for all its possible nutrients. It has reached the point where in order for you to survive you will have to do the unthinkable: become a cannibal. What would you do? Fuck the person up and extend your life or vice versa? Probably going to fuck him/her up and eat em’ because at the end of day, no matter how much you love or care for that friend, your aim is to extend your life at any cost. Gruesome nonetheless but at our core I truly believe we are selfish beings; and there is nothing wicked or inhumane about that.

• “It’s a dog eat dog world son; eat or be eaten.”

Independence

I used to hate being alone…

So many of us hear that word alone and cringe, instinctively thinking of a lonely child sitting in the corner with no friends or a similar somber image. This might be the most drastic transition that I discuss in this article however, as a year or so ago I certainly could not say that I enjoyed my alone time as much as I do today. I was a far more dependent person then I am today and although I still enjoy the company of others, I do not constantly need other people to keep myself entertained and engaged, a quite satisfying feeling indeed. When I come home to an empty house today I am in absolute heaven. I mean truly in heaven. And this is coming from someone who believes that positive human interaction is one of the best things in the world. When I get time to be completely alone however, I find that I am most in touch with my feelings, thoughts, emotions, creativity, and ultimately my truest sense of self. Consequentially, I find my most productive work comes when I am alone. My ambivert personality is such that I have too much of an inclination to want to talk to everyone in the room when placed in a heavily socialized setting. Additionally, I found that the initial act of stepping out of ‘the group’ or saying no to a social gathering is often the most difficult. Once you make that initial leap towards individuality, it soon becomes easier and easier to do and over time you cannot imagine living any other way but as an independent whom does not necessarily ‘claim’ affiliation to any specific group, party, organization, etc.

The way I see it, we live in a generation where group activity and social interaction, whether virtual or physical, is a constant, and while this can often times be an asset, I sometimes find it crippling to true independent creativity. I also feel that the current quantity of modern day interaction is quite unnatural and certainly something our mammalian brains have not yet fully adapted to. The social psychology side of me seems to believe that so many of us are often driven by the underlying fear of being left out, forgotten, or missing out (commonly referred to as FOMO) that we strive so hard to be a part of something, often forgoing valuable time for true independence. In my opinion however, it is crucial to take some time every day if possible, NO PHONE either, to simply be alone with one’s thoughts and self-reflect both on yourself as an individual as well as the day’s activities. Although it is important to not totally isolate and shut yourself off from the world and the beautiful people within it, I find it equally important that one does not suffocate him or herself with constant social interaction every waking hour of the day. Independence is an invaluable character trait to possess in life and a stepping stone towards greater levels of daily happiness as well as career success. Daily alone time, as well as self-reflection, is a great first step toward true independence and individuality.

• Ted Talk: The Power of Introverts

Golf

I used to hate golf…

Golf is an absolutely beautiful sport. Once you get over the countless shanks, break a club or two, and can finally keep score for a full nine-holes it really is a lot of fun. One of the many reasons why I find golf so enjoyable and valuable is because it is more than simply a sport. Every sport I have played in my life has contained a mental component to it however, golf will test your mental fortitude and patience to the limit. A round of golf can be so many things ranging from absolutely maddening, to completely and utterly blissful, to unconsciously meditating, to extremely exhilarating, and just about everything in between. It is a game of finesse that forces you to slow down and be as graceful as possible in order to achieve any level of success; undeniably one of the reasons I used to hate it so much and wrote it off as “totally not a sport dude” for the longest time.

One of the things I enjoy most about the game of golf, and ironically one of its greatest metaphorical mirrors to life, is that there is always room for improvement. Despite whether or not you are born with raw talent and bound to be on the tour one day, the first 10-20 rounds of one’s golf career are bound to be utterly disastrous. There will be plenty of times when you want to simply walk off the course and call it a day after 4 to 5 holes. If you are similar to so many other aspiring golfers however, you will quickly catch the ‘golf fever’, a form of natural addiction which continues to draw you back weekend after weekend, drowning your wallet and adding more misery to your life. Within the midst of this ‘fever’ one quickly discovers that there is indeed an underlying hint of enjoyment and satisfaction that comes from every round that is completed, regardless of how well or poorly you shot.

In my opinion, the true reward of the game starts to creep in when you slowly but surely begin improving your game; progressing from losing 10 balls a round to playing a whole round with the same ball or improving from not being able to legitimately count your score on one single hole, to breaking 100 on 18 for the first time. These slow and seemingly minuscule milestones in one’s PERSONAL progression as a golfer are to me what keeps so many coming back weekend after weekend: the underlying drive to be the best personal golfer one can be.

To me, golf is a metaphorical mirror of life in a myriad of different ways. It’s frustrating as hell and as alluded to earlier will often leave tempt one to throw in the towel at several points throughout a round. Those who stick with it however, know that similar in a way to life, golf is a constant battle with and against oneself. Unlike team sports, there is no one during a round of golf who will make your shots for you. The outcome of your round and your game is ultimately dependent on you and your personal willingness to constantly improve and adapt in an effort to succeed each and every round. The best of luck to all those aspiring golfers out there similar to myself: hit em’ straight and try to enjoy your consistent imperfections.

Grinding

I used to not enjoy grinding…

To me, we as human’s grind, or at least should be grinding, every day of our lives. ‘The grind’ or ‘grinding’ in the context in which I will refer to it throughout this section is simply the hustle of everyday life. No one ever tells you that life is easy. It’s not. But that doesn’t mean it can’t be fun. Until recently, I used to dread grinding. I would often wake up for class with my main motivation getting me through the day being that I got to come back to my dorm room in between classes and take a nap. As a matter of fact, as I objectively reflect on my past I can now see that I was living an extremely boring, borderline miserable day to day existence for longer than I would like to admit. I was chasing some goal or end game of happiness constantly thinking and motivating myself with the thought of “if I just get (this thing) THEN life will be good” and it was not until I truly began to enjoy the process of everyday life that I began feeling a lot happier and content on a day to day basis. (As a personal exercise of how much more rewarding the process is try this: Next time you go to the gym and are doing a set of whatever workout, focus all your effort not on getting to the tenth rep but rather on EACH individual rep. Actually focus on yourself lifting the weight up and down. Notice how much easier and quickly you arrive at your predetermined destination when you focus simply on the process of lifting). What certainly aided in developing this personal love for the grind was my acceptance of the fact that the only true end game in life is ultimately death. In other words, there is no ultimate destination or euphoric land of happiness which so many of us seek on a daily basis (Joe Rogan on Happiness). Although there are triumphant stops along the way, if you are chasing an end game or ultimate destination of happiness in life you are in a way simply chasing and working towards your ultimate demise as a being. If you are unhappy or unsatisfied with your life right now I can assure you that although the attainment of a certain asset or goal may temporarily subside such feelings, your previous feelings of un-fulfillment will inevitably begin to creep back into your life once the glory of reaching your ‘goal’ wears off.

Another motivating factor in my transformation to enjoying the grind of daily life was a shift in my overall perspective. At some point throughout the past year or so, I began to start looking at life as more of a blessing rather than a burden. I have begun to try and view everything that happens to me, positive or negative, as an opportunity rather than a road-block. Instead of complaining about external forces outside of me which I simply have no control over I do my best to constantly asses myself, asking what I personally can do to improve upon my personal, professional, and social relationships/lives in order to live more joyfully.

I fear that some may misinterpret this section as me promoting not working towards goals and instead simply going through the motions of everyday life. That is by no means what I am emphasizing. Through personal experiences and the minimal reading I have done, I am convinced that in order to maintain a healthy level of homeostasis and happiness in daily life our reptilian brains require that we always be working towards some type of a goal (NOTE: I recommend the goals you chase be loftier, healthier, and more long-term then getting to one’s favorite nightly dessert). I personally believe there are several adverse health benefits that come from a lack of passionate, daily pursuit. Conversely, having a higher purpose to grind towards everyday makes the entire process of daily life far more enjoyable. In other words, continue to set achievable, personal goals for yourself to work towards on a daily basis HOWEVER, do not place your importance so much on the ‘euphoria’ of achieving these goals but rather enjoy the process and grind that goes into the pursuit of said goal(s).

• Joe Rogan on Happiness

Love

I used to think I knew everything about love…

The concept of love has always been something that has fascinated me. As one of my longtime friends once exclaimed “Joey loves love.” I really do Bushy, I really do. I think it is one of the greatest, if not THE greatest, thing in the world, certainly from an emotional perspective. In my na?ve opinion, true love can cure just about all the world’s problems, ridding it of all evils and negativity (What Do I Know). Fortunately enough, I grew up in a household where I was consumed with love and got to witness two people whom were madly in love interact on a daily basis. Unfortunately, I have come to learn that not everybody was raised in such similar circumstances, often hindering one’s abilities and capacity to both receive and exert love but that is neither here nor there and will be touched upon later on.

For as long as I can remember I have believed in love at first sight and a na?ve part of me still kind of does. I feel that an initial interaction with someone can conjure up feelings of or similar to love however, I now believe that falling in love is a process that requires effort and an extended amount of intimate interaction. I am blessed to have a tremendous amount of amazing people in my life that I both love and care for and that subsequently return such precious feelings and emotions towards me (I think). Prior to my first ‘serious’ romantic relationship, I had all kinds of crazy and misguided ideas of what it meant to be ‘in love’ with someone. I used to witness fellow friend’s relationships in disbelief thinking if I ever got the opportunity to have what they had I would do things completely differently, and obviously in a far more proficient and successful manner. My first relationship quickly taught me how wrong I was on that front. As a 21-year-old young adult I fully acknowledge that I have no clue as to what true romantic love is and as I attempt to write increasingly on this subject my struggles remind me of how clueless I truly am to the concept. I am actually becoming increasingly anxious as I write this wondering if I will ever find true love or if I am just overthinking this whole ‘love’ thing. Nevertheless, my perception and belief of what love is has changed drastically in the past year and I feel strongly about the subject so I figured I would share my thoughts.

I think being romantically and happily in love with someone is more than anything about independently coexisting with another human being in both a happy and healthy manner. I have learned firsthand that when one person becomes dependent on another in any type of relationship it is more likely than not doomed to crash and burn (Crash n Burn). You must have your own life, relationships, hobbies, etc. outside of those you share with your significant other in order to remain sane. Although the initial chemicals fired within our brains when falling in love leave us craving the other individual similar to how a crack addict craves crack, in my opinion it is vital to the longevity of a romantic relationship that each party continues to live and enjoy their respective independent lives separate from their significant other. Branching off of that, I do not believe that you can fully fall in love with someone else until you first fall completely in love with yourself and discover your own independence. In a sense, a healthy romantic relationship is about two people, each living their own dreams and riding their own ride, whose lives and daily utility are significantly increased when the other is a part of it. Love is about being unselfish enough to admit when you are wrong while in another sense about recognizing and appreciating someone for the imperfect being that they are and yet being grateful and appreciative of those imperfections. Additionally, I do not believe that love, falling in love, and being in love is limited to the romantic and sexual confines of a relationship between a male and female but is rather an endless and everlasting emotion that can be shared between any two conscious beings. You can fall in love with a friend, family member, or even a pet, of any sex, as falling in love, being in love, and truly loving someone has no earthly limitations. Having said that, from my perspective the romantic love shared between two non-blood related Homo Sapiens is clearly the most potent and often most pleasurable. Although love has a drastic impact on our brain chemistry and in a sense is just a crazy chemical addiction, I do not believe true love is a tangible, ‘surface’ emotion but rather something held deep within our hearts and souls in a space which few can truly comprehend. Although we may initially be drawn to the external beauty and aesthetics of another being, it is inevitably the endlessness and intense connection we share with another’s heart and soul that we ultimately fall in love with and remain consistently loving.

I feel I would be remiss in my take on this subject if I did not discuss and express my thoughts on the negative aspects of love. In my opinion, several individuals have a sort of adversarial relationship with the term and emotion that is love. Whether this be due to their upbringing as a developing individual, a rough initial romantic experience, or a myriad of other possible scenarios can only be determined on an individual basis. Similar to any potent drug (which on a chemical level is exactly what love is: a powerful chemical reaction in the brain producing similar effects to a cocaine high) it is a scientific fact that the emotion we deem ‘love’ has the capacity to produce powerful and often ill-felt side effects. The process of falling out of love with someone can hurt almost as much as falling in love with someone gratifies. The miserable after taste and fear of feeling such misery ever again can often leave so many with a powerful, hate-fueled perspective on this precious emotion. As I explain in KIRP Episode #25 however, these negative side effects are not by any means ‘love’ but rather a byproduct of its beauty. The ying and the yang of life reminds us that what goes up MUST come down and with any amount of good there is generally an equal amount of bad. It is vital to understand that similar to just about anything else in life, love is a process with countless ups and downs. From my experiences however, the positives ALWAYS outweigh the negatives as falling in love is one of the greatest joys of humanity.

Love is such a vastly explored, interesting topic of discussion/discovery for so many and with good reason. It is one of the most precious and primal human emotions that we cultivate and as a good friend recently expressed to me “So much of our lives are premised off of the pursuit of love.” Indeed, it is one of the most highly sought after emotions in modern day life as we strive to inject as much love into our lives as humanly possible (whether we realize it or not). This was EASILY the most difficult section of this article to construct which I feel is metaphoric of the topic at hand. Although for many, friendly and familial love is ever present, for most all of us true romantic love is extremely difficult to find. If you haven’t found it yet keep searching. Enjoy the love that is in your life currently but when it comes to finding that significant other NEVER settle. Work on yourself, discover what it is that makes you happy and find your true independence. When we are all individually ready we will all individually find it. Lastly, always remember what was expressed to me by my high school Physics teacher: “The greatest thing in life is love”. Live by and spread that each and every day.

• Ted Talk: The Brain in Love
• What Do I Know
• Crash n Burn
• KIRP Episode #25
• Good Will Hunting clip

Self-Love

I used to not be completely in love with myself…

Ask anyone who has known me for a long time and they will call complete BS on this one. In response to that I would say please re-read the title and note the word completely. I have always had an air of confidence about me since I was a young kid on the soccer field there is absolutely no denying that. I mean just the fact that I am writing this whole article strictly about myself kind of tells you something about my self-esteem level. But the truth is, there have been periods of my life, as I am sure there have been periods of just about every body’s lives, where I have not truly loved myself. There have been times where I have admittedly not been the nicest nor most accepting person I would have liked to have been, especially when I was younger and less mature. Additionally, there have been times where I have been embarrassed about who I truly was, often putting on a fa?ade in an attempt to conform to my external, social environment. However, I cannot recall a time in my life where I have been more in love and accepting of the individual I am then I currently am today.

As I have alluded to in previous sections, one of the biggest reasons I find self-love to be so important in life is because I genuinely believe that before you can both truly give and receive love from others, you must first fall in love with yourself. Additionally, a healthy relationship with one’s true inner self is the core to healthy, external personal relationships. Unfortunately, I feel true self-love and appreciation is quite an elusive characteristic for many individuals these days. Therefore, in an attempt to stray from the typical structure of these sections, I will do my best to channel my inner life coach and map out some of the steps I unconsciously took to develop a greater and more consistent loving relationship with myself.

• Self-awareness – “The first step in solving a problem is to recognize that one exists." The same line applies to your relationship with yourself; and all personal relationships in life really. The first step to becoming more self-loving is recognizing and accepting that whatever current thought patterns, habits, and/or daily routines you are engaging in are simply not helping to progress and potentially even hindering your self-development in some fashion or another. This can be one of the most difficult steps for so many and I know it was quite challenging to personally admit to myself that the daily routines I was engaging in were simply hurting rather than progressing my life. We are creatures and beings of habit that LOVE structure and comfortability, so conversely when we become internally aware of the fact that change is necessary in the routines which we have been practicing habitually for days, weeks, months, years, etc. it can be a really tough truth to swallow and an even more difficult personal transition to make. Looking back however, for me there was not one specific day where I can recall saying “okay Joe let’s cut out ALL the bad habits TODAY and replace them with good ones.” I took baby steps, slowly changing my bad habits into neutral and then ultimately good habits in a day by day progression. Whether it be listening to how bad do you want it every morning when I brushed my teeth, distancing myself from certain friends, eating healthier, becoming more active, or participating more healthily in social events (particularly on weekends), my self-development progression DID NOT by any means occur over night. Instead, it was a continual journey, which I might add still continues to this day, and which has taken well over a year. As with any problem or issue in life, self-awareness and acceptance of the fact that there is indeed a complication that needs to be addressed is the first step towards recovery (for lack of a better word) and ultimately brighter, happier days. You can be brutally honest with every single person in life however, the easiest person to be dishonest with is the one in the mirror.
• Self-forgiveness – Let’s keep it real here: we have all done some fucked up shit at some point in our lives. We are all human beings and at some point in time or another we have each inevitably made decisions that were eventually regretted and subsequently punished ourselves for. It is the past mistakes which we continue to hold onto to this day and allow to hinder our present and future selves however, that ultimately need to be dealt with and viewed in a healthier manner. In the pursuit of a happier, healthier relationship with oneself it is absolutely crucial to comprehend the concept that you ARE NOT the person or the actions of the person that you were a year, month, week, or even a day ago. Each day is a new opportunity waiting to be seized. Whatever immortal sin it is that you have committed can be forgiven so long as you are first prepared to consciously forgive yourself. The only real specific and what I feel to be worthwhile advice I can give in regards to self-forgiveness is to eat it. Face the person in the mirror, admit that you are human and have made mistakes, address those mistakes internally (cry it out, punch it out, whatever you have to do), and then forgive yourself once and for all, vowing to leave your past mishaps in the past and to learn and evolve from them. Trust me when I tell you that you are not alone in some of the demons you hold however, the only way to defeat those demons is to face them in a head on manner.
• Self-respect – I suppose self-respect is, in a sense, synonymous with self-love. At the least, it is the final preluding building block to ultimate self-love. Respect in general is such a vital part of becoming a person. Along with trust, it is one of the most difficult primal emotions to obtain in a personal relationship and yet the easiest to lose. One may portray seemingly unlimited respect to others yet have minimal to no respect for themselves. Conversely, one may show minimal to no respect to those external to them while harboring an intensely self-respecting relationship to their internal selves. In my opinion, self-respect is one of those deep-seated, underlying emotions. We spend no greater amount of time with ANY other person then we do with ourselves. As recently expressed to me by a fellow coworker, at the end of the day “I have to be able to give that little kid inside me a nice big hug.” I really think that sums up what self-respect is. It’s an intense personal relationship with one’s self coupled with the unique understanding that at the end of the day the most important individual in MY life is ultimately me. It is treating your body in a respectful manner, engaging in healthy physical and mental activities as often as possible, and chasing your passions and dreams to satisfy that being inside of us because individually it is our being which trumps all other external beings.

Being in love with the person you are is by no means something to be ashamed of. It does not make you cocky, selfish, or inherently bad if you choose your own self-interests over those of others on a consistent basis. Self-love is one of the many foundational building blocks for a successful and healthy life as at the end of every day everything in your life begins and ends with you.

• How Bad Do You Want It?

Happiness

I used to think happiness was a given in life…

The thing with happiness (as is the case with many other things in life) is that you don’t truly appreciate and enjoy it until it’s gone. You take for granted waking up every day and being genuinely happy and in a state of homeostasis until you start to wake up every day and you’re not. Sometimes I don’t always like telling people I went through a stage of depression (or whatever it was) because I don’t want people thinking I’m looking for their sympathy (cause I ain’t) but fuck em.’ It’s an important part of my life and I want to talk about it so if you don’t want to read about it don’t.

One of the things I’ll start off saying about depression and other mental illness is this: it’s fucking weird man. From my personal experience and the minimal research I have done, half the battle of mental ‘illnesses’ seem to be nothing more than a degree of chemical imbalance within the brain which I feel is one of the reasons why it is so frustrating. In a sense, it is similar to getting a common cold or the flu. You wake up and feel like shit because your body is in an unusual state which it is not accustomed to being in. Additionally, you don’t know exactly why you are feeling such a way and it is troubling trying to discover how to get out of that funk. Similarly, like having the flu or the cold, mental illnesses do not subside overnight. They often take weeks, months or in extreme cases years to overcome. Unlike the flu, cold, or other physical ailments however, mental illnesses such as depression, anxiety disorders, etc. are not as easily quantifiable. Although one can receive a brain scan to identify if there is abnormal activity going on within your head, from my understanding these are often quite pricey and not very widely accepted yet within the medical community nor are they foolproof devices to identifying disorders. Often times with mental illnesses there is no precise methodology for anyone external to the suffering individual to identify for certain what is going on and therefore it is often up to the individual to personally assess and admit that something is wrong and assistance is needed. Nevertheless, due to these reasons amongst several others, depression and mental illnesses can often leave one feeling helpless, alone, and hopeless.

Although there are still occasional instances where I will find myself slipping into a ‘depressive funk’, from a macro perspective the majority of my days are filled with joy, happiness, and an enjoyable level of homeostasis. By no means is this something that occurred over night as I will be the first to admit that it has been sort of a roller coaster journey to get to this point. Nevertheless, at this stage in my life I feel as though I can confidently look back at some of the positives that ‘depression’ brought left me with.

Personally, I think everyone should go through a STINT of depression, anxiety, or mental illness of some kind (note the key word being STINT). Just a brief 6-9 month period which we all must endure and fight through as a sort of ‘inauguration’ into adulthood. The universe’s way of saying “get through this bullshit and THEN you can be considered a true ‘adult’” or something along those lines. I express this perspective because I learned a tremendous amount about life and appreciate things a hell of a lot more now that I have seen that ugly, dark place. It actually angers me to a degree when I feel others or myself getting angry, frustrated, or stressed out by minor daily occurrences as I now realize how insignificant and pointless most of these details are to worry over. Additionally, I feel I have developed a tremendous amount of self-respect, honesty and love. I now consciously attempt to be as healthy of an individual as I possibly can (while still remaining sane) as I engage in healthy activities, ingest only healthy(ish) fuel, and surround myself with healthy and positive people (honestly probably the toughest of the three) as often as I possibly can. I am motivated by that dark, ugly place I used to so often visit. It literally fires me up and drives me to be the happiest and most content person I can be on a daily basis. I have raised the bar for my personal happiness to a substantially greater level and additionally feel as though I have discovered my ‘higher purpose’ in life all thanks to that beautifully ugly thing we deem ‘depression.’

              I now confidently believe what “train by day Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day” expresses in the below link. There is no euphoric land that you one day reach where everything is awesome and you are the happiest, most content person in the universe. Happiness is rather a constant battle. You have to fight and to a degree learn how to be and remain happy as you train your mind to operate more efficiently, peacefully, and contently. You have to find the activities, people, places, things that make you happy and chase them every damn day man. To me, happiness is a bit of an internal scuffle, for lack of a better word, that can be severely affected by one’s external environment (Behavioral/Biological perspective for my fellow psychology nuts out there). Although your external environment may be fantastic, you may not be able to see/truly appreciate that due to a lack of internal homeostasis and vice versa. You may have a remarkable level of internal homeostasis however, your external environment may be shit and subsequently cause you to feel as such. Similar to love, if you are struggling to find consistent happiness keep looking. It’s different for everyone and there is no ‘magical formula’ to happiness but rather specific and individualized processes.

NOTE: If you feel you have crossed the threshold into daily unbearability (mentally/emotionally) know there is help out there and utilize that. If you got my contact info hit me up as I can point you in the right direction. Otherwise, look online for help or reach out to someone close to you for assistance. Know there’s a light no matter how dark it may seem right now.

• KIRP Episode #25
• Joe Rogan on Happiness

Closed mindedness

I used to be closed minded…

Open mindedness is a surrender to ignorance. It is an admittance that neither yourself nor anyone else on this planet truly knows anything for certain but rather that we are all simply attempting to navigate through this thing we call ‘life’ in the most effective and joyful manner as possible. From a philosophical perspective, open-mindedness is an acceptance of the fact that practically EVERYTHING around us in life was created and/or altered by other human beings and what we hold as inevitable truths are often perceived in such a manner because at some point in time other PERSONs claimed these beliefs/ways of living to be ‘true’/’correct’. From an emotional standpoint, open-mindedness is a release of habitual hate, anger, violence, and all other negative emotions, followed by a subsequent surrender to the vulnerability of consistent love and positivity (contrarily a much more difficult release and surrender then one would objectively believe). And lastly, from a psychological perspective (my favorite type of macro perspective), open-mindedness is an acceptance of the fact that every individual you encounter in life has lived their own unique life which no one else, including yourself, can TRULY ever understand outside of that individual. A constant reminder that your life is an ENTIRELY different story/journey then not only your best friend’s, but also the person born, raised, and currently residing in China and that all beings must be treated, emphasized, and approached with such a mentality.

It’s interesting because on paper this generation should be the most open-minded and vastly educated one there has ever been. And from a historical perspective I would certainly argue that to some extent we certainly live up to such a standard however, from a micro perspective open mindedness seems to elude a vast majority of people, myself often included. There continues to be an unacceptable amount of hate, ignorance, and I would argue, closed-mindedness, portrayed by our collective society. Whether that be because we are now so more than ever thrust closer together, technologically and socially, to the descendants of our not-so-long ago cultural enemies, I am not so sure however, I would be willing to argue that such a fact certainly plays a role. Nevertheless, when you slowly begin to open your mind, as well as your heart, to not only the prospect that you can mold and create your own life to live, but also to the amazing amount of beautiful hobbies, arts, adventures, places, and people in life, an entirely different universe begins to appear to you as your world begins to get a hell of a lot more interesting and exciting.

For a ridiculously long time I was an extremely closed-minded individual. My routines, ideas, and lifestyle was simply the best, most effective way to live one’s life. And although on some level I still believe this naivety to be true, one of the major discrepancies between my former field of thought and current ideology is the acknowledgement that although the current manner in which I exist MAY be most effective for my specific individuality, it most likely IS NOT the most effective way for 99.99% of the Earth’s population to reside. No one has lived my life except for me and similarly, no one has lived your life except for you. To me, that is one of the most amazing parts of being human. You literally are THE ONLY person who has, are, and will live in your body, with your mind, your spirit, and your experiences, and nobody can take that away from you. Take advantage of that man. Open yourself up to the wonderful universe that is out there. Put your ego in the backseat, surrender yourself to yourself, drop all your bullshit excuses, and watch as your world slowly begins to become more entertaining as you start to discover that anything is possible.

I feel that humans have two very distinct and opposing point of views when it comes to the ‘unknown’ (allow me here to briefly define what I mean when I refer to ‘the unknown’). The unknown is, obviously, that which we do not know. It is a person of a different race, sexual orientation, political stance, lifestyle etc. from our self. It is a country with a different culture, economic/political structure, traditions, etc. from ours. It is a life that is completely devoid of all that you have ever known. A life so vastly different from the one which we comfortably live in that it is nearly impossible to even imagine or begin to imagine what would be contained within such a hypothetical ‘unknown’ existence. That to me is a brief overview of what I feel to be ‘the unknown.’ The two differing viewpoints which I feel humans express towards this ‘unknown’ is that of intrigue and that of fear, or of open-mindedness and closed-mindedness, respectively. It feels to me that this latter emotional perspective is so present, powerful, and hidden in so many of us that it unconsciously restricts our potential in such a profound way. We often settle early on into a job, a relationship, a life because it is comfortable, easy, and ‘good enough.’ When you begin to surrender yourself to the unknown however, admitting your own ignorance to life, you begin to discover that your formerly preconceived fears and worries soon begin to transform themselves into curiosity’s and interests so powerful that there are not enough hours in the day to realistically contain them. Never let the fear of that which you do not know hold you back but rather let it excite you as you begin to open your mind and discover all that this wonderful world has to offer.

• I'm Yours - Jason Maraz
• “Open up your mind and see like me; open up your mind and damn you’re free.”
• Joe Rogan and Bryan Callen

Building a life

I used to live a life…

              At the 2013 teen choice awards, upon winning the “Ultimate Choice Award”, Ashton Kutcher delivers what I feel is one of the most powerful recipient speeches ever (Oh really Joe? You feel? That’s weird I thought the other person who has been writing for the last 19 pages might have been the one ‘feeling’ that….dumbass). I allude to Kutcher’s speech in my last summer’s article and would be remiss in not mentioning it here as it was the truest inspiration for this particular section and a driving force in my life for the past couple of years. One of the most powerful lines Kutcher delivers in the speech is when he quotes the late Steve Jobs exclaiming “When you grow up, you tend to get told that the world is the way that it is. And that your life is to live your life inside the world and try not to get in too much trouble, and maybe get an education, and get a job, and make some money, and have a family. But life can be a lot broader then that when you realize one simple thing. And that is that everything around us that we call life was made up by people that are no smarter then you. And you can build your own things, you can build your own life that other people can live in. So build a life, don’t live one, build one.” A collection of sentences so powerful and which I constantly attempt to keep in the back of my mind. Although Kutcher’s words really bare no further explanation, I’ll attempt to give it a few extra words and express my subjective view on the matter.

              The idea of ‘building a life’ was so foreign to me upon entering college and leaving my beautiful close-knit town behind. As a na?ve 18 year old high school graduate my career aspirations were quite thin (partly I believe due to the fact that the high school education system we have in place currently is extremely flawed but that’s a debate for another time). I had a general outline of what I wanted my life to look like but no real plan or true goals set in place. The only thing I really knew was that I didn’t want a ‘normal’ life. Similar to my mentality with so many other aspects of my life throughout high school, I wanted to do something off the beaten path and different. Something impactful and exciting that would satisfy my inner child. The Kutcher lines quoted above made me realize and come to peace with the fact that that was all possible. By opening my mind, putting in some extra work, and discovering/following my passions and dreams, I had the unique opportunity to build MY life as opposed to boringly living one.

              With that said, I’ll leave all of you whom have made it to this point in the article with this. Although I may be falling prey to a slight egocentric bias here, I wholeheartedly believe that we are living in and through the most exciting, interesting, and scary times that human beings have ever witnessed. There is an immense amount of groundbreaking technology present and on the forefront driving us closer (and slowly apart?) to one another. Each and every one of us possesses the unique ability to shape who the fuck we are, what we want to do, how we want to impact things, and ultimately what type of a life we want to build. When you really, truly recognize that and begin to believe in yourself just a little, your world changes man.

• Ashton Kutcher 2013 Teen Choice Awards Acceptance Speech

“Your perception is your reality; Change your perception, change your reality, change your life.”

If you have made it to this point in the piece you are an animal and I appreciate y'all tuning in. Shoot the KIRP a follow on iTunes or Soundcloud. One love homies, one love.

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