How I tackle trolling - online and in real life

Following the untimely and tragic passing of Caroline Flack, there’s been much navel gazing about the negative impacts of social media. Of course both genders are at the receiving end of online vitriol but it’s particularly heightened for women, as evidenced in the 2017 Pew Research Centre Report on Online Harassment.

Caroline Flack was trolled for years - for dating younger men combined with being childless and unmarried at 40. Similarly, irrespective of what Jennifer Anniston achieves in her career, she continues to be caricaturised as “poor Jen” – Brad Pitt’s childless ex-wife. As for women who follow the traditional marriage and children path, there are plenty of undermining narratives directed their way too – most notably Mum guilt.

Nowhere was this juxtaposition of female shaming more evident to me than the front page of this week’s Mail on Sunday – whether you fell into the “troubled” singleton or Mummy camp, they had a narrative to make every female reader feel “less than”.

In my view though, it’s too easy to simply point the finger at print and social media – and it diminishes the scale of the problem. The narratives played out on social are reflective of real issues in our society and the lens through which women continue to be viewed in real life as well as online.

In the western world, the percentage of women in the workplace from the mid 20th century onwards exploded. Accordingly how women view themselves, what we want from life, the opportunities available to us and what makes us happy is evolving and diversifying. 

But mainstream social narratives around women’s contribution to society, value and self-worth haven’t evolved in tandem. Tying the knot, having kids and being a homemaker who takes on the lion’s share of household chores on top of juggling a successful career prevails as the singular aspired to life path. This narrative does not solely live online, it’s relentlessly reflected in the films we watch, the books we read and the gendered products we’re marketed.

The Pew Research Centre reports that women in the 18-29 age group are particularly vulnerable to sexualised forms of online abuse. Thankfully this isn’t something I’ve personally experienced. I was lucky enough to navigate my twenties in what I can now see as fairly blissful ignorance - then again social media was less evolved in my twenties so it was most likely lucky timing. But since entering my thirties it’s become harder to stay happy in the face of consistent messaging – online and in real life – that suggests I shouldn’t be. This messaging is not restricted to my phone, sadly I increasingly encounter it in real life too…

“You have 3-4 years maximum left, then it’s all over for you” – what a male stranger said to me at recent networking event.

“When John told me you were joining us and that you’re single, considering your age I expected you to either be ugly or a lesbian” - a friend of a friend who I’d just met for the first (and last time). 

Of course, the barrage of undermining messages we weather affects how women show up in the workplace. After all, we’re only human. My LinkedIn colleague Richard Sullivan recently wrote a great article about a leadership training session he attended at work. Every single woman in the room said they felt some form of inferiority complex or imposter syndrome. Is it any wonder? I wager you’d get the same feedback from working women the world over. Plus if you are female and from a minority group, you’re like to suffer from what Adam Grant in his book “Originals” calls “double jeopardy” i.e. –

“when black women failed, they were evaluated much more harshly than black men and white leaders of both sexes”

So how do we move forward? Sheryl Sandberg famously wrote about the need for women to lean in and challenge the status quo. I’m getting better at not internalising the messages society sends my way, but it takes work. The positive thing I’ve come to realise is that I have self-agency - over how I choose to feel, view myself and the media I consume. Two things in particular are working well for me and might be helpful to other women out there:

1.     Curate your social media feeds.

I’ve actively blocked the relentless barrage of unwanted fertility solutions and dating service advertising Facebook and Instagram continuously pushed to my feed. This could be equally helpful for women that are bombarded with unsolicited parenting advice etc.

2.     Find other voices who are speaking up and transmitting more positive messages.

Start tuning into and absorbing the alternative narratives that are out there, or better still create your own. For me there has been a few key voices in this space that have really helped - most notably the wonderful work of the inspirational Shani Silver and her Single Serving podcast. She hasn’t written a book just yet but watch this space! I also highly recommend:

• Happy Ever After: Escaping the Myth of the Perfect Life by Paul Dolan
• The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck by Mark Manson
• The Unexpected Joy of the Ordinary by Catherine Gray

Society isn’t going to change overnight and unfortunately there will be more tragic endings like Caroline’s. Sadly they happen every day, they’re just not quite so high profile. 

In the meantime, whatever social media or society tries to tell us, thankfully we have power over our own happiness. I choose to express gratitude – for all the great people I’m so lucky to have in my life - and create more positive personal narratives that work for me, not the expectations of others.