How I tackle lack of confidence

There were times when I wanted to go into a corner rather than face my boss or audience of hundreds – times when I had to call my husband for a pep talk on standing up and “being in your power.”

I’d listen to his words, tell myself to stand tall, and walk in for some uncomfortable conversation – almost as if I was guilty of something even when I was not.

I'm sure it's from my adolescence, perhaps the lack of a father growing up and more.

For some, confidence comes easy. For me, sometimes it’s there; other times it just isn’t. 

People will say: “Really? You? Lacking confidence?”

When someone has a tough demeanor, it can intimidate me – scare me, really – even when there’s no solid reason. My first thought is: Did I do something wrong? 

It’s happened with men, with women, in job interviews, in speeches.

So those words of “being in your power” have stayed with me. As I’ve gotten older and wiser, I’ve learned a few absolutes.

#1. Lack confidence and you’re harming your success.

Studies show that low self-esteem and self-worth can affect earnings. 

Maya Angelou once told me: "There's a way you walk when you go into a room. It's not braggadocio, but there's some confidence. And if you have some confidence, it is likely that an employer will look to you with more felicity, more warmth, more respect. And people feel, then, I can be safe here. This person is really going to look after my affairs.”

Think about it: if you were hiring someone wouldn’t you want them self-assured and confident that they know what they’re talking about?  

#2. Fake it if you must, but visualizing is better

I’m not joking. Would you rather walk into a meeting or a speech fearful or confident? Do you want people seeing the worst of you - or the best?

Visualize yourself speaking with confidence before a crowd, people nodding at you, engaging and listening. Love your audience. Visualizing works; it's a powerful tool we teach Girls with Impact girls.

One time, when I got a call from the producers of Oprah, I told myself I better not be afraid. One strategy I use is to take control right away. When I do, I feel less as if I'm on the hot seat. So, for example, rather than waiting for someone to ask me questions, I might begin with something – from a comment about the news to just a “hey, how are you?” Just talking helps me get rid of the nerves.

The key ultimately, as Estee Lauder EVP Alex Trower just told a crowd this week, is to be "our most authentic self.” Looking our best can help too, she says.

#3. Everyone has moments of fear – they just don’t always admit it.

In research I did in my second book, I found that millionaires – 45% of them – experienced fear in their pursuit of success. (Millionaires are those with net worths over $1MM not including their home).

And, in order to achieve their success, 62% of these millionaires said they had to move outside their comfort zone, that zone we often stay in too long that can prevent us from moving up the career ladder, trying new things or even challenging our own biased behaviors.

 So, you’re not alone. In fact, you’re in good company.

#4. Confidence really is rooted in some biased behavior.

I had wondered if there was some real data behind the data regarding girls and confidence. According to P&G, 50% of teen girls have a real fear of failure during puberty that holds them back from trying new things. Imagine the impact of that?

Then I spoke to the head of a private school, who told me why girls really are held back in areas like math and business. For parents, this is a wake-up call.

When a teacher calls on girls, says Jerome Murphy, head of the Upper School at The Stanwich School, the boys will typically raise their hands faster. Teachers will call on a student in about two seconds, leaving the girls in the dust.

Over time, he says, that can have a real impact on her confidence.

I watched this happen myself when I was at a top museum and a women was doing a short presentation before parents and kids. There were boys and girls; the girls were slower in raising their hands and the boys were called on more. It made me shudder: "Raise your hand faster," I told my daughter.

This is just one reason why I’m so proud of our results at Girls with Impact and the 140% increase in confidence in leading teams -- just one of many areas of skills and personal growth.

If you feel alone or need help – or you need to practice to get over your fears and show your authentic self, follow Kim Kelleher's advice: ask for help.

If you have a daughter, equip her today so she can reach her full potential (Girls with Impact takes applications year-round and our girls do it from their bedrooms, live!)

Do you have advice about confidence to share? Do you think girls are impacted? And how does it directly correlate into earnings and career success?