How I structure those hard conversations.

Ever woken up at 3am in a cold sweat thinking about a colleague?

I have.

And I've often considered thinking about work at 3am as pretty unhealthy.

Unless it's your business then fair enough. Comes with the territory.

But as an employee - no, thank you.

What this rude awakening did tell me was that I needed to have a difficult conversation.

And that, my friends, has always been something of a weak spot for me.

No matter... With weaknesses, come frameworks.

For example, this is my framework for learning something new...

Stage 1 - Admit I suck at it.

Stage 2 - I do it a few times and I suck a little less at it

Stage 3 - I do it a few more times and I suck even less

Stage 4 - I do it another 1000 times and can actually claim to be good at it!

Having hard conversations is no different.

Not too long ago I was at stage 2. I'd done it a few times in the past, taken part in a number of meetings but never really got the hang of it.

So I went in search of a framework:

A super-simple, high repeatable step by step guide that could take me from totally sucking at hard conversations to being good at them.

I found the following idea from Leila Hormozi - my favourite CEO.

There are 2 stages to the hard conversation:

Stage 1 = The 6 E's - This section is all about you talking. Explaining to your team member the reason you have asked for the conversation.

• Establish Tone - This is all about how you break the ice. For a less serious conversation you might be asking someone how their weekend was. How their family are or engaging in a minute or 2 of small talk before raising the issue you wish to discussFor something more serious you might say something like

I need to have a serious conversation with you today and I think it's going to be best if we just jump straight in

• Eliminate Assumptions - Lets face it. Whenever we get called to the office the natural response is panic. We start wondering what it was we did so wrong!Often the worst part about these conversations is that somebody could be let go at any moment. So get ahead of it. Be upfront about the situation

You might say

'Just to be clear your job is not at risk. I'm not going to be firing you today. There are a couple of areas where I think you can improve and I'd like to take you through those today'.

Or, for a more serious situation

This is a really serious conversation that we are about to have. Your job is actually on the line.

People are able to listen and engage more with what you are saying when they aren't worried about being fired.

• Explain the Goal - AKA, what is it that you are looking to get out of having this conversation?

You could say

After this, we should be on the same page about what I expect from somebody in your position. We will also have a plan in place that we can hold each other accountable to so we see the required improvements.

For a less serious chat you might not need a full plan in place but you should always make your expectation clear. The goal might be to not have to have this particular conversation again.

• Explain Problem Origin - Where did the issue come from? This is often the trickiest part because a lot of the time, when you know your team really well, it's often a 'gut feeling'.

I would say

I woke up in a cold sweat this morning thinking about this situation and I knew we needed to discuss it.

Another example might be

I've received a lot of very similar feedback from the team regarding your management. I wanted to explain to you how you are coming across and hopefully agree some changes.

• Emphasise Impact - This is one I like to tie back to the company values. If efficiency is king in your restaurant, explain how being inefficient will negatively impact the team. Worst case scenario, your A-players all get fed up and leave.Whatever the issue, tie it back to a value/expectation and identify the possible long-term effect on the wider team.

• Estimate Severity - Rate the issue on a scale of 1-10. And explain your ranking

I'm seeing this as being a 2/10, it's not something that's going to cost you your job but it is very annoying and needs to stop.

Or

I would actually consider this issue around an 8/10 in term of severity. If we don't get on top of it now, it will most likely result in dismissal further down the line.

The only reason any business fails, including our restaurants, is poor communication. By being open, upfront and honest you are pushing the business forwards instead of allowing it to stagnate.

Stage 2 = The 4 A's - This is the section where they get to talk.

• Ask -

I'd love to hear your views/thoughts on what I just shared with you.

They will either go into defence mode and throw a ton of excuses at your or they will enter coachable mode. Coachable mode allows them to see the issues for themselves and actively work towards improvement.

• AdviseAfter listening to their issues/concerns/excuses - offer some clear advice on how they can improve/progress.
• AgreePretty simple again - agree on an action plan moving forwards to reduce the risk of a repeat.

Your role now is to (X,Y,Z) and my job is to check in with you twice a week for the next 6 weeks until we have moved past the problem.

• AssureThis wraps up the conversation in a similar style to how it opened.

If the conversation is less than a 5/10 on the seriousness scale, keep it fairly light hearted. If it's any more than that, remind your team member of the severity of the situation.

And as a bonus, here are some lessons I have learned on the way

1. Never enter a difficult conversation in an emotional state. Put some time between any incidents and the conversation to give emotions a chance to fade.
2. Write out/plan you conversations. The first few times it can be tricky to remember exactly what to say and when. So write it down. Then you can always refer to your notes if you need to find your way back.
3. Record it - It's a bit like game footage. Whether you win or lose, watch the tape to figure out what went well and what could be improved. It's by far the easiest way to get better.

And that's it! Super simple. I love it when hard things don't feel quite so difficult anymore.

Whenever you're ready, there are 2 ways I can help you:

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